50,000 / Tag, I'm It (II)

First of all, my 50,000 hit on this site came on the 99th day of existence — at 11:39 p.m. on Friday, April 20th. So, my Windows XP-using, Firefox-browsing friend in Cupertino, California: You win a new Porsche! Oh, but wait ... You have to be present to win! My apologies. I'll give Amy a kiss in your honor.

Seriously, thanks to everyone for the support over these first few months. I love writing here, but I love almost as much what I read and learn from the great blogs and friends I've found.

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This is insanely overdue. It's a 'tagged' post I was working on before I got sick. The sweet (and currently hiatus-ish) La fille mariée tagged me on this one. I am so bad about finishing what I started that I just had to finish this one. Finally, I can close the loop on this. LFM, my humble apologies for my lateness.


A - Available or Single?
Available for weddings, parties, and bar mitzvahs. But that's about it.

B - Best Friends?
I have a few best friends in real life: A running buddy; a friend who hops from country to country with each new job; a friend in an orchestra in Europe; a couple of good friends on the Internet. Friendships have always been tough for me to maintain over long periods of time. I don't know why. After I lose touch with a friend, I find myself desperately searching for him/her on the Internet. I find him/her ... and then that seems to be enough for me. I let 'em slip away again.

C - Cake or Pie?
Pie. Pie. Pie. I really want to learn how to bake a great pie. By that I mean I want to master the art of brilliant pie crust. (Maybe Preheated can teach me. You up for it, Pre?) (Can I call you "Pre?")

D - Drink of Choice?
Tonic water. When I drink it, I always figure people think I'm on the a recovering alcoholic. I'm not. I've just always loved the taste.

E - Essential Item?
Oh, my iPod, most definitely. I live for it. For what? For music? Nawwwwwww! For lectures! You think I'm kidding, don't you? I'm serious. I have a slew of lectures from Yale and Princeton on there, most having to do with politics. I know, I don't get it either. (Okay, there's music on there too — 3,674 songs at last count.)

F - Favorite Colour?
Colour? Colour? I'm sorry, I have no idea what a colour is. Do you want to know my favorite colour in the UK is? In France? In Canada? Oh! You want to know what my favorite color is! Well, why the Hell didn't you say so?

Blue. Especially when it's a movie.

G - Gummi Bears or Worms?
Bears could kick worms' asses. If worms had asses, that is.

H - Hometown?
Springfield. You've seen it on TV. We have a nuclear reactor there. Our home team is called the Isotopes.

I - Indulgence?
I don't have an indulgence. I mean, not something I spend lots of money on. I have a problem with spending lots of money on anything.

J - January or February?
Anything that gets me closer to Spring, I want that one. I'll take February, thanks.

K - Kids and Names?
I like them both. Especially polite kids and nicknames.

L - Life is incomplete without?
You're kidding, right? If you have to ask, you haven't been reading my blog.

Seriously, if my answer weren't "sex," what would it be?

Hmmm.

Life is incomplete for me without children. I would never answer that way for anyone else, though.

So let me go ahead and give a more universal answer: Life is incomplete without an ability to be childlike. Okay?

M - Marriage Date?
Wow! Um ... No, I've never had a marriage date. I know they have them in Vegas all the time, though; why else would you need a drive-thru chapel?

N - Number of Siblings?
A sister and two brothers.

O - Oranges or Apples?
I guess I have to skip the predictable "melons" joke here, eh? I have a regularly strong craving for citrus. I'll take oranges, thankyouverymuch.

P - Phobias/Fears?
Flying. This has developed relatively recently. It started when I fell truly, deeply in love with Amy. I'd never had a fear of dying until then. I just wanted to be with her for as long as possible. This feeling got even worse when I had kids. Even if we're all together on the plane, I dread not getting to be here, in this existence, for my full 80 or 90 years. This phobia developed, by the way, at the same time I lost interest in wanting to climb Everest. Same reason.

Q - Favourite Quote?
"There's no amount of work a man can't do if it's not what he's supposed to be doing."
- Peter Benchley

R - Reasons to smile?
When Amy drops a sexy, flirty remark to me on IM at work.

S - Season?
Summer. Full on, baby. Bring on the hot.

T - Tag 3 People?
You know, I'm not gonna do it this time. I just feel like I'm so late on this thing, and I feel like maybe it puts unnecessary pressure/guilt/annoyance on others.

U - Unknown Fact About Me?
What, 100 wasn't enough? Fine, then. I can never keep you happy. Here's one more, to grow on: I feel like I'm missing life when I sleep, so I stay up way, way later than I should on most nights. (This fact is probably tied to my recent sickness.)

V - Vegetable You Hate?
Eggplant. Get that thing away from me.

W - Worst Habit?
I'm always trying to do much more than I have time to do. It makes me late to everything.

X - X-rays You've Had?
Teeth. That's it. (They're gorgeous. Thanks for asking.)

Y - Your Favourite Foods?
Again with the euro-spelling! I'll assume you know about your typos, but you know how that turns me off, don't you?

Favorite foods: Pie comes to mind (can't imagine why!). French fries. Bibim bop. Just about any Thai dish with curry. Speaking of curry, lots of Indian food rocks my boat. Speaking of boats, conch fritters from this restaurant in Daytona Beach, FL, which is probably long gone and whose name I can't remember anyway, we're delectable. And speaking of delectable: Pussy.

Z - Zodiac?
Are you trying to pick me up? You know you don't have to use a line with me. Just be yourself! I'll do ya.

100 Things About Me (Pt. 2 of 2)

(Miss the first 50 items? It's not too late to play catch-up.)

Time to kill off the last vestiges of my "mystique."


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li. I think Sex, Lies and Videotape was an amazingly ground-breaking movie at the time. I haven't gone back to watch it in years, but considering the way our culture has gone, I bet it seems unbelievably tame now.

lii. I was curious about what a condom felt like -- how sensitive sex would be when I was wearing one -- so before I ever had sex wearing one, I tried two or three brands and wore them while I masturbated.

liii. In 1990, I met up for coffee with a woman through the Internet. (Anyone remember Cleveland FreeNet?) It's the only time I ever did that. I was hoping to get laid that night, but geez, was this girl ever mousy and meek. I'm sure I was as equally unappealing to her. We both downed our drinks as quick as we could and headed home alone.

liv. Fewer things petrify me as much as when I shave Amy's bikini area. (But the payoff is almost worth it.)

lv. Podcasting is a wonderful technological development, but sex podcasts are ... well ... just lame. As of yet. Somebody needs to figure out how to do that right.

lvi. Amy and I did not have sex on our wedding night.

lvii. Sure, I jacked off to Judy Blume's Wifey in high school.

lviii. I normally only have to shave every other day, but I've recently taken to shaving every day (in the shower) to make my face as smooth as possible, hopefully encouraging Amy to take me up on my numerous offers to go down on her.

lix. Okay, had to replace what was originally here before with something new, because I've already revealed that I shave my balls, and this list needs to be all-new info: On my first college winter break back home, I fucked my high-school girlfriend's best friend. Don't worry, the high-school girlfriend and I had amicably parted when we went off to college. (But the sex with her best friend had been a long-time in the making — two years of flirting.) This is the only woman to have slept with me and another one of my siblings. (No, not at the same time.)

lx. My high school geometry teacher was this straight-laced, rather stern woman with short, blonde hair and not a strong gift for teaching. And I so wanted to fuck her.

lxi. In college, in the very first class of my very first quarter, I would sometimes sit in the class and write porn stories to keep me awake. I might still have those spiral notebooks in a box in my basement.

lxii. My high school girlfriend once said to me: "Congratulations, I'm not pregnant. Again." This was the first time she'd said something like that to me. Turned out it was the third pregnancy scare she had had, but she had been keeping these tidbits to herself.

lxiii. After so many close calls with high-school girlfriend, I believed for a number of years that I might not be able to get a woman pregnant. I'm really glad I was wrong about that.

lxiv. I think Coldplay's Parachutes is one of the best albums to fuck to. I also don't think they've made anything nearly as good since, whether I'm fucking or not.

lxv. Christy Canyon drives me wild. Her tits remind me of Amy's, and I come very quickly when she talks dirty. I mean, when Christy talks dirty. Well, when Amy talks dirty too. But right now, I'm talking about Christy.

lxvi. Every time Amy or I go somewhere without the other, the thought passes through my head that it may be the last time I see her.

lxvii. It is my dream to someday have a hair salon-style sink installed in my home. Having my hair washed is one of the most erotic things I experience in everyday life. Washing my wife's hair ain't too boring either.

lxviii. I discovered masturbation when I was 12. We rented a house for a long summer vacation, and a bookcase in the house contained a copy of Grant Tracy Saxon's The Happy Hustler. I snuck it into the bathroom for that whole month and masturbated with lotion. Many, many times.

lxix. I haven't used lotion to masturbate in over 20 years.

lxx. There are few things better after sex than a big bowl of freshly made pasta with butter. Except maybe more sex.

lxxi. If I'm reading erotica and there are grammar or punctuation mistakes, I'm completely turned off. I'm turned off by a lot of erotica.

lxxii. I'm a little bummed that Amy doesn't enjoy wearing thong underwear more often.

lxxiii. I'm a phone sex and cybersex snob. If the other person can't type decently or create a good story, I lose interest quickly.

lxxiv. Girl-on-girl porn does nothing for me.

lxxv. Which is not to say I wouldn't be absolutely fascinated watching Amy make love to another woman.

lxxvi. At the moment that I lost my virginity, Manhattan Transfer's "On the Boulevard" was playing on my girlfriend's clock radio. Hey, I'm not proud of it either, but it's not like I was gonna pause and wait for a better song, you know?

lxxvii. I want to suck cock again sometime.

lxxviii. I have laughed during and after orgasm, but not in quite awhile. I don't know if I should read anything into that.

lxxix. For a short time before I met the woman who would become my wife, I lived with a crazy woman. She just walked away from college one day and showed up on my doorstep. We slept together most nights, but she was too ... whatever ... to have sex with me. When she returned to that college the following quarter, she lost her virginity and became a nymphomaniac. I'm alternately grateful and pissed as hell that I never got to have sex with her.

lxxx. I'm also alternately grateful and pissed as hell that I wasn't old enough to be sexually active in the years before HIV.

lxxxi. My Internet persona (especially in chat) is much more aggressive and arrogant than I am in real-life.

lxxxii. I'd love to vacation at a nude beach or resort someday, if Amy could get comfortable enough to do it with me.

lxxxiii. Like driving by a car wreck, I can't turn away from those truly horrendous B-grade softcore porn films that Cinemax and Showtime show late at night. When my cable company opens those channels up for "free preview weekends," I scan the listings to see which piece of cocktease crap is going to be on.

lxxxiv. I find pearls incredibly sexy. One of my most memorable sex sessions with Amy involved a necklace of pearls gently inserted into her pussy ... and slowly sucked out.

lxxxv. This is way too twee and embarrassing, but: Early in our relationship, when one or the other of us was headed to work, Amy and I had a goodbye ritual that involved me briefly sucking on each of her nipples and she kissing or briefly sucking my cock "goodbye."

lxxxvi. I loved to give hickeys on my high-school girlfriend's inner thigh, right next to her pussy. I joked that I was marking my territory.

lxxxvii. I used to play "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" with two (female) cousins when we visited my grandmother's house. I was more into it than they were.

lxxxviii. I have masturbated so many times in a day that my dick was raw. (Thankfully, not for awhile.)

lxxxix. When I have my best orgasms, it feels like someone has thrown a stone into my center, and I'm experiencing an intense ripple effect that progresses to an earth-shattering "convulsion."

xc. And then there's often an "after-shock," milder but still intense, some fifteen to thirty seconds after the first.

xci. An ex-girlfriend had a kitten. She shouldn't have -- she really wasn't very good at taking care of pets. The kitten would get jealous when I was around. One time, while the woman and I were fucking on the floor of her apartment (in front of a full-length mirror), the cat took a flying leap off the bed ... on to my back. This did not make me find a deeper love for cats.

xcii. As comfortable as I am with pornography now, it's fun to remember how incredibly nervous I would get in high school when, on my way back from my girlfriend's, I would stop at the 7-11 and psyche myself up to walk in and buy a Penthouse. I would practice what I was going to say until the tremor in my voice would cease.

xciii. I masturbate with my right hand.

xciv. I had sex with a girlfriend in her parents' bed, and I think that largely because of the location, it was the best sex I ever had with that woman.

xcv. I own a pair of handcuffs, which I've never used with Amy. Why? Because I lost the keys. I know how to open the cuffs pretty consistently using a paperclip, but I'm petrified that the one time I put them on her, I won't be able to open them. I think I'll wait 'til I have another set of keys.

xcvi. Astroglide. There might be better ones out there, but I really like that one.

xcvii. I can't even contemplate getting a blowjob with a condom. I would have a hard time maintaining an erection believing that the experience was irredeemably unpleasant for her.

xcviii. Amy and I used to watch a lot of porn by Andrew Blake, but at this point, his stuff does little for me. I don't think it does much for her, either.

xcix. I have occasionally had a fantasy of my wife giving a repairman making a housecall a "tip" of a blowjob after he has finished his work.

c. Less rarely, I've had the same fantasy about me delivering that blowjob. Sometimes that fantasy "works" for me, but most times it doesn't.

100 Things About Me (Pt. 1 of 2)

"The only true currency is what we share when we're both uncool."
-- Lester Bangs, channeled through Philip Seymour Hoffman in Almost Famous

Everybody seems to do these lists. The challenge for me was making all 100 things relate to sex or relationships.

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i. Speaking purely physically: It's her eyes first. Her tits second.

ii. If I'm using "external stimuli" for masturbation, it's pretty evenly split between written erotica and video I've found on the Internet.

iii. I experimented sexually with my (male) best friend when we were 6 or 7. We called it "Nasty," but in the presence of the grown-ups we referred to it as "NASA." My favorite activities we did were the oral ones, though my friend was less enamored with those.

iv. I had a girlfriend in second and third grade with whom I experimented sexually. No intercourse, just playing with each other.

v. Amy and I used to make love to that Enigma CD that came out in the 1990s -- the one with the sampled monks and the heavy-breathing woman. How cliché is that?

vi. On a couple of occasions, girlfriends have surreptitiously groped me in public crowds. I found this to be incomprehensibly arousing.

vii. Speaking of public arousal, I have a fantasy about getting blown in a movie theater. I have no intention of fulfilling this one because I am convinced that these days every auditorium has security cameras with night-vision technology.

viii. I have always wanted to spend a night with a paid escort, but I can never get around how much they cost. (Maybe roleplay for Amy?)

ix. As a teenager, I had a sexual relationship with my (male) best friend that lasted about nine months.

x. A former apartment mate who knew of my homosexual experience asked me one night if I would take a shower with him. I softly declined. I didn't find him attractive. That said, now I kind of wish I'd done it.

xi. nip/tuck is a guilty pleasure. Good sex scenes, though I can't bear to watch the surgeries.

xii. Sometimes I resent what my kids have done to my sex life.

xiii. I find Anaïs Nin deadly dull.

xiv. I like going without underwear, but I don't do it all that often -- usually just when I'm out of underwear, and then I remember how much I like it.

xv. I considered for awhile in the late 80s/early 90s doing phone sex. Yes, I realize that, being male, I would have been doing gay phone sex. I was willing to try it. But two female co-workers at my day job warned me that the work would likely send me hurtling into a depression and make me hate humanity.

xvi. As "research" into phone sex, I called a phone sex line once. The girl who phoned me back was very sweet, but this was clearly not her calling (no pun intended). I had to lead the whole way, and her orgasm was obviously faked. Still, the fantasy I had concocted was so good that I made myself come.

xvii. Yeah, I have tried to incorporate Pop Rocks into sex. What a gi-normous disappointment that was.

xviii. When I was a kid, my parents had a copy of John Updike's A Month of Sundays in their bookcase. I would secret it away and masturbate to the sex scenes.

xix. It'd be fun to get into the Mile-High Club. Does anyone actually do that anymore, post-9/11?

xx. I have posed as a female on sex chats.

xxi. I begged and pleaded with a girlfriend to not break up with me 'cause the sex just rocked.

xxii. Well, maybe the sex wasn't that good: I broke up with her three weeks later.

xxiii. I wish I could eat Amy's pussy every day. It totally baffles me why she's not taking me up on this offer.

xxiv. My wife (then my girlfriend) once blew me in an empty classroom at her high-school reunion.

xxv. I am a shameless flirt, especially with women I know well. I'm even worse on the Internet.

xxvi. It saddens me that my wife has lost her talent for flirting ... with me or with anyone else. I think she'd like to regain it.

xxvii. I don't get the Hooters restaurant chain. But then, I haven't actually been to one. I should probably go and see if it makes any sense whatsoever. Amy has said she'd go with me sometime.

xxviii. I worry sometimes that I'm sounding silly when I talk dirty during sex. It doesn't help that Amy often has this nervous, self-conscious laugh when I'm doing it.

xxix. In high-school, my girlfriend and I used to read letters from the Forum section of Penthouse magazine to each other over the phone. She was awful at it. I was fantastic at it. (Her judgment, not mine.) (Okay, maybe my judgment too, a little.)

xxx. I listened to a phone message once from a woman I really wanted to date. She was wondering where I was, since we were supposed to be meeting for dinner. I wasn't answering the phone because I couldn't get up off the floor. I couldn't get up off the floor because I was pinned down at that moment by an ex-girlfriends pussy as we were engrossed in a messy, glorious 69.

xxxi. Though his character is a terrible womanizer, when Daniel Day Lewis says "Take off your clothes" in the movie version of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I think it is so fucking sexy it makes me dizzy. When I'm being aggressive during sex, this is the character I hope is inhabiting me.

xxxii. I write erotica. I have several stories written, but haven't published them yet. Eventually, they'll be going somewhere on the web.

xxxiii. Ron Jeremy disgusts me. I don't get why he's such a goddamned legend in porn. How can "hedgehog" be a term of endearment for a porn actor?

xxxiv. I had a relationship lasting almost two years with a woman with whom I never had intercourse.

xxxv. And I was prepared to marry her.

xxxvi. I'm sorry that I gave that dancer at the strip club an extra $20 to "do a little something extra" for my friend, who was getting married the next day. I was his best man, and I somehow thought that the other guys at the bachelor party were expecting it. Maybe they were, but it wasn't worth it. Luckily, he has forgiven me. His wife thought it was funny.

xxxvii. I think swimming in the nude is an incredibly erotic experience.

xxxviii. In fact, my college girlfriend and I once had a wonderful encounter in my family's pool while on break that involved my giving her a fun session of cunnilingus ... underwater.

xxxix. I dated this girl in junior high school who was unbelievably way out of my league. Incredibly hot. The only thing that I had that could have attracted her was my intelligence or command of the English language. Her aroma made my tongue tickle. We would go to this hill overlooking a cemetery and she'd let me play with her small but delicious tits. She was 4'11". She handed out business cards that said "Let's get small."

xl. I've never felt a pair of fake tits. I'm interested in doing this, just for the experience. I don't think for a minute that it will be sexually arousing.

xli. Before I married Amy, I had an affair. The woman and I never had intercourse, but we did everything else.

xlii. Because of the distance this affair (and other issues) created, Amy ended up having her own affair. She fucked him.

xliii. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in a public place (like a bus or a restaurant), I will look around at the people within my field of vision and choose the individual with whom I would most like to have sex. It's a fun game, try it sometime.

xliv. Amy and I spent an entire Saturday in bed, fucking. In front of the Clarence Thomas hearings.

xlv. In college, a woman I was mad-crushing on wanted to apply full makeup to my face, just for the fun of it. I let her go at it, because it was an incredible turn-on to have her face in such close proximity to mine. The makeup didn't turn me on at all.

xlvi. I'd rather see my wife fuck Rocco Siffredi than Peter North. North always has that dumb, vacant look on his face when he's having sex. And Rocco's cock has those great veins. I think Amy agrees with me on this.

xlvii. I lost my virginity at 17, and went on to have a TON of sex over the next several months with my girlfriend, before we went off to our respective colleges.

xlviii. But I never used a condom until my senior year in college.

xlix. I admit I'm still struggling with elements of the affairs Amy and I had before we were married. I feel totally hypocritical about that, but ... there it is.

l. I love the challenge of keeping my mouth concentrated on the cunt of a woman who is really bucking as I eat her out.

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If you haven't lost all respect for me yet, you can continue with items 51-100.

Tag, I'm It (I)

Sweet Bekah "tagged" me recently. I've never been tagged before, so Bekah, you took my tag cherry. I suddenly feel a strong desire to cuddle. Do you still love me? Do you think I'm pretty?

(Sorry, La fille mariée, you missed having that by a coupla hours. I'll be fulfilling your tag request in the next coupla days.)

The gig is this: I have to come up with five things about myself that I've never written (or isn't immediately obvious) here.

One would think this would be a piece of cake, but here's the rub: I completed a "100 things about me" list back in early February, and I'm waiting for "the right moment" to unleash that on you. Since this is a sex blog, my one requirement is that all posts have to be sex-related, so every one of my 100 things is about sex in some way. And that, my friends, took a seriously long time to complete.

Now I had to come up with five more! Thanks, Bekah. You're a peach.

Nevertheless, I persevered. For you. Here are five sexual things about me. Consider it a teaser for the upcoming 100-things list (which, I must say, is even juicier).


1. I've taken purity tests a number of times, dating all the way back to the first 500-question version that showed up on Usenet in 1991. I just took one again, and my score: I am 53.96% pure. I am bound and determined to get "over the hump" and slip below 50% by the end of this year!

2. I have a thing for Meredith Vieira. Shut up. I'm serious. I would totally do her. The way she flirts with male contestants on the syndicated version of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? makes me want to audition for the show just so I can show her my "lifeline."

3. I don't really masturbate in the shower. I mean, I suppose I have, but ... it doesn't really work for me. It doesn't go anywhere. Considering my love for shower sex, this seems odd to me.

4. Not only was I involved in all the plays during my three years of high school, I was also involved in just about every group shoulder- and back-massage in which the crew and actors engaged in the wings, just offstage. We did this a lot. Like, daisy-chain massages. Looking back on this, it's hard to believe that the grown-ups nearby would allow such sensual activity to continue unabated through the entire run of our shows. I mean, didn't they know that when I was working Hallie's shoulders, I was also looking straight down her black Danskin top? Were they really that dense? I know Hallie wasn't. She loved it.

5. How am I hangin'? Usually to the right. When I'm not, you know, pull-and-sweepin'.


So I'm supposed to tag five more people. I kinda hate this part, but I better do it in case there's one of those Internet curses where if I don't follow through, something bad will happen like my testicles will break off and work their way down my pant leg. My right pant leg, as you now know.

So: amy.elle ... Lena G. ... Penelope / Odysseus ... preheated ... and WM ... You're all on. And your five things dont' have to be about sex — that's just my thing. (But it's always more fun when it is!) If you go for it, the general link above will change to that specific post on your blog.

Sugasm #66

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Sugasm #65

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TMI Tuesday #4: Suspicious Minds

Come join the fun sometime. It's better than a sausage wrapped in a pancake and stuck on a stick. Unless you've got something to hide. Which I don't. Really.

1. Have you ever had sex in a friend's house/apartment/car/whatever... but not with that friend? Does your friend know?

I've never done this. Why? Should I? Is it totally worth it? Do I add it to my "wild card coupons" fantasies? Christ almighty, this is gonna keep me awake at night, trying to figure out how this scenario would be arousing.

I can tell you that I've DEFINITELY had sex with someone else other than my friend ... in my friend's mind. I don't know if it was hot. I'll have to ask him.


2. Have you ever sat at your computer naked?

Well ... um ... yeah. Why do you ask? Is that unusual? Titillating? Am I a freak? Is it surprising? Or are you looking for a cool story about that? Well, let me try one and we'll see:

Hey, this reminds me of this one time I was sitting at my computer ... naked! While I sat there, I answered some email. I got one with the subject line "Hey, neighbor!" and I opened it, and it was a link to a porn site that involved sex with people who dress up like Barney Fife. (Which was kind of arousing, though I always thought of Don Knotts as a bit of a limp fish.) And then I paid a couple of bills online, and went to bed. When I got up, I got that kind of "ripping" sound when my skin peeled away from the leather upholstery on the chair.

So. How's that working for you? Yeah, me neither.



3. If you are sure you WOULD get caught, is there anyone (known personally, celebrity, fictional character) you'd cheat with?

Wait, why would I want to get caught? Would my wife think that was hot? Or are you suggesting she'd be laughing because that celebrity was wayyyyy out of my league? Are you saying you don't think I'm good enough for Connie Britton?

Yes, you heard me right. I want to screw her so hard she's seeing Friday night lights. Why Connie? 'Cause my wife would walk in on us ... and say it was justified. And she'd be right. Free pass right there, buddy.


4. Have you ever photocopied a body part?

Hands. Face. Uvula. That's it. I'd heard too many horror stories about copier glass breaking to get more lewd than that.


5. Just how rigid are your standards: Is there anyone out there (say, a celebrity), that you'd do, just to say you scored? (We aren't talking a dreamy celebrity i.e. Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston; we are talking Mick Jagger, Dick Cheney, or the Queen of England.)

Again with the celebrity thing. Does this really turn you on? Are you sitting around imagining me doing Crispin Glover? Nancy Pelosi? Mandy Moore? Matt LeBlanc? Monica Lewinsky? You're just trying to catch me in the act, aren't you? You want to watch! You. Sick. Perv.

But to answer your question: If my "standard" is "rigid," it sounds like I already want to do the celebrity. Still, a boy has his limits: I draw the line at Rummy.


6. Have you ever contacted a “lost love” years later?

I've stayed in touch with most of my lost loves. I'm on good terms with all of them.

Why? Did one of them say something to you? Which one? I bet it was that bitch Carole. Oh sure, I was friendly when I found her myspace page, but I didn't believe for a punch-drunk second that she was glad to hear from me. Some people just can't let go, can they? One little time that I misunderstand her and she never forgives me. I can still hear her screeching. "I said in my rear, you idiot!" Fine, fine, whatever. I even paid for the audiologist's bills. What more do you want, Carole?!


7. What was the worst thing your SO ever caught you doing?

Amy has caught me jacking off so many times we couldn't possibly count. You'd think I want to get caught, but actually, masturbation for me is a pretty private thing. Unless, of course, it's part of a session of sex play. But I'm talking about times where she's walked in on me. If I started solo, chances are I meant to finish that way.

What was the worst thing your parents ever caught you doing?

Same answer. Dad caught me jacking off once. He acted like he hadn't seen anything. Backed out of the room. It was like it had never happened. Like I'd told him to look directly at the red light.

Did you ever do either of those things again?

I have never, ever, ever masturbated again.

Unless you count every day of my life since the age of 12. But let's not get caught up in technicalities.


8. What is the shortest period of time you've ever gone between sex with two different sexual partners in separate sessions (that means threesomes don't count unless they are separate threesomes)?

I've never juggled like that, never had more than one thing going at a time. The closest I can come is the time I was in a spontaneous 69 with an ex-girlfriend on the floor of my apartment, and the phone rang. I let it go to the machine (I'm not an idiot!), and it was this woman from work with whom I'd made a date that night. I had completely forgotten about it. But phone woman and I didn't have sex for another couple of weeks.


9. Besides the usual (lingerie, sexy shoes, etc.), what's the sexiest thing your SO can wear?

One of my work shirts. (Yes! Denis proves yet again he is a walking, talking, ejaculating cliché!)


10. Have you ever masturbated with a household object (other than a sex toy)? If so, what?

Why do you want to know? Did someone tell you something? It was our cleaning woman, wasn't it? She found the cardboard toilet paper tubes covered in petroleum jelly, right? Dammit, that's not fair. That was totally an experiment based on something I saw on the Internet. It didn't even arouse me that much.

In all seriousness ... There aren't a lot of really good objets de ménage for a boy to use. Or maybe I'm just not feeling creative enough when I need to get off to stop and wonder if I should try, say, sticking my dick in that vice grip downstairs. My guess is that women have more interesting answers to this one than I could possibly provide.

"Wild Card" Coupon Fantasy Options (Pt. 2)

And now, the dramatic conclusion to the two-part miniseries.

Previously, on Denis Perhaps Broadens His and His Wife's Sexual Horizons and Gets Pleasured in the Process (Oh, bite me -- It's a working title):

• I wrote about some coupons Amy gave me on Christmas Day. One of these coupons promised that, upon redemption, she would basically do anything I wanted to do -- "Just ask." (I'm pretty sure she meant sexually.)
  
  
• A "wild card?" Color me a kid in a candy store. I decided to catalog the strongest fantasies I have about Amy. Six of those fantasies appeared earlier. I'm finishing off the list (at least for now) in this post.

Restrain Amy to the bed, blindfold her, and have my filthy, teasing way with her.
There are few things that bother me about sex with Amy, but one small peeve is the fact that she wants to get to the, um, "punchline" too quickly. I suppose if you were to ask her, she'd tell you that one of the things that bugs her the most is when I'm taking too long to get to the same punchline. Touché. But hey, it's my damn fantasy! And it would be my pleasure to tie her to the bed with a couple of my work neckties, gently kiss her eyelids and slip a soft blindfold over them ... and provide her with a long evening of pleasure. I tried something similar very early on in our relationship, but it was too soon ... and I screwed it up royally. (I know that that statement begs for more elucidation, but that's a separate post.) This time 'round, we're older, wiser, and a helluva lot more trusting. It could be electric. (Swear to God: This one was already on my list before la fille mariée's insanely hot blog entry about a very similar fantasy.)
Fulfillment Probability Meter (the likelihood of this fantasy really happening, on a scale of 1 to 10): 9. She's good, giving and game. There's nothing too challenging here. It would be fun. We could totally do this one, and even if it's not what I end up using the coupon for, I hope we eventually do this.


The roleplay's the thing: Two strangers meet in a bar and fuck.
Probably requires a hotel stay. I depart our room and take up residence at the hotel bar. After Amy preps, and she enters sometime later and sits at another part of the bar. It would be awfully tempting to just leave her there on the other side of the bar for a good long time, just to see if any other men hit on her. Heh heh. But eventually, I amble over and introduce myself (as someone else), and she does the same. We talk. We flirt. A proposal is offered and accepted. And we'd go back to our (her? my?) room and go at it.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 6. Roleplay is not something either of us have a lot of experience with. (I don't believe she's ever played with it; a college girlfriend and I messed around with it spontaneously one day -- to explosive results, I might add.) I have a background in theater, and to a lesser extent so does Amy. But improvisation comes more naturally to me, and I think she's intimidated by how quick on my feet I can be. It's scary, the tightrope-walking quality of public roleplay: No script, no idea what the other character will say at any point. On top of that, she says she's lost her ability to flirt. But I bet we could find it together. She just needs to practice. (That's one of the reasons it would be tempting to leave her alone to talk to other men....)


A good, old-fashioned fuck in the car.
Preferably in a parking lot, to make it semi-public. This appeals, I think, because of the youthfulness of it. I must not have done enough of this in high school.) Oh, that reminds me of a great story about a car-fuck I had back then. Hmmmmmmm .... Oh, sorry. Anyway. Yes. Amy. Me. A leather backseat.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 8. And the only reason this isn't a ten is because, in her "old age," Amy has demanded more comfort when having sex. The cramped quarters of a back seat may not be her idea of a great time. But great sex isn't the only thing going on here. I would hope the fantasy would help make up for any of the less comfortable aspects of the encounter.


Play around in semi-secret at a restaurant table.
It's a bit cliché, but you can't really help what turns you on, can you? In my version, Amy goes to the restroom and, at my request, returns with her panties in her purse. Hands wander from there, and we both try to play it straight from the waist up. I'm not interested in embarrassing the poor girl: The restaurant would need to have strategically long tablecloths for cover. And possibly a waiter/waitress who would be open and discreet.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 4. This is one that I suspect would be better in theory than in practice. And I'm not sure if Amy -- or me, for that matter -- could get past the publicness of it. I mean, it's not just what you're doing under the table, it's the expressions and activity that would be apparent above the table. The exposed part of the iceberg, as it were. My guess is that this fantasy would test how serious she was when she wrote "anything" on that coupon.


Amy snowballs me.
It's not so much that I love the taste of cum; I'm okay with it. The power of snowballing is the aspect of intimacy, the eroticism of sharing it. I don't come in Amy's mouth often -- and definitely less than earlier in our relationship -- but I also don't ask her to because, hey, an orgasm is an orgasm, right? To some of you, the answer to that is: "Well, yes and no." There is something more powerful ... more accepting ... more complete about a lover taking your load orally. For me, it becomes even more powerful if she's so moved by the orgasm that she wants to share it with me. I don't think I'd even be thinking about the taste of the cum; the power of that kiss would make it the sweetest ever.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 4. Or maybe 5. No, you know what? 6. I'm not sure Amy feels the same way I do about the act itself being incredibly charged. But I always seem to forget how GGG she is. If I pulled the coupon on her and called this one up, she just might go for it. Would she enjoy it? That, I'd put at a 3 or 4. Which makes me wonder if I want to ask for that.


I want to toss Amy's salad.
God, do I ever. And I'm so gonna do this. Such a strong sense of taboo here, and yet rimjobs are becoming more and more "mainstream." They're not for everyone, but they are so for me. But Amy has some hang-ups about the butt, mostly dealing with cleanliness. So the obvious locale for this fantasy is a nice, big tub or shower, where we've just made sure we're both squeaky clean. God, does even thinking about this make me rock hard. I masturbated in bed (as she slept next to me) to this very fantasy a couple of nights ago.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 7. I think I can pull this one off without the coupon too, probably. If the moment's right, if she's feeling sufficiently clean, and I tell her this is what I want to try, she just might be cool to let me try it once. And then I'm going to keep all fingers and toes crossed that the experience sends her into heretofore unseen levels of pleasure.


Whew.

Okay, so ... Which of these, between this post and the last one, do you think I should ask for? Or, knowing what (little?) you know about my predilections, is there anything you think I should be asking for instead?

Looking forward to your comments.

"Wild Card" Coupon Fantasy Options (Pt. 1)

An earlier post documented the Christmas "coupons" Amy gave me. As I wrote at the time, one particular coupon -- the "wild card" ("Good for one new thing of your choosing. Just ask.") sent my mind (and other parts) reeling.

Lying in bed that night with Amy asleep next to me, I realized that all of my regular mental masturbatory material suddenly had new import. Many of them were a little closer to reality. I was intensely horny, so I tried to "pick a card" from my fantasy deck and get off.

But the coupon had an unfortunate side-effect: I was suffering from SADD ... Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder. Like a spinning Rolodex®, my mind could not settle on a single fantasy. And without locking in, I wasn't able to jack off. (Johnnie Cochran said something like that. What was his famous enthymeme? Oh yeah: "If you're brain can't lock, you can't yank cock!")

I had already been contemplating the creation of this blog, and I knew right then that one of my early posts would be a list of my fantasies that involve Amy. Which is pretty much almost every fantasy. An exhaustive list of Denis' kinks.

Exhaustive? Who am I kidding? No such list could exist. There are probably kinks in my psyche that I don't even know about. Nonetheless, as of today, I have compiled the existing list of fantasies that I might be asking Amy for when the mood is right. It's long enough that I'm splitting it into two posts. After both are posted, I'm hoping that you might help me pick one ... or even suggest others.

Without further ado, Part One:

Watch Amy have sex with another man.
Holy Christ, is the hotwife fantasy ever a potent one. If it's not already obvious from the (ever-growing) blogroll to the left, the dream of sharing Amy runs deep. One variation on this theme involves us encountering a man on a long Amtrak journey. The fantasy, for me, is even more powerful because the man in this fantasy is black. I used to worry about the innately racist undertone of this angle. Luckily, sex advice columnist Dan Savage helped me come to terms with this in a recent column about this topic. But really, I'm not going to quibble about something as trivial as race when it comes to this fantasy.
Fulfillment Probability Meter (the likelihood of this fantasy really happening, on a scale of 1 to 10): I give this one a 5. And that's higher than than, say, 6 months ago. Between the coupons and Amy's encouraging us to explore anal, I just might have underestimated how open she is to new sexual experiences. But two major factors stand in the way, as I see it: Amy's concerns about disease, and the need for her to be attracted to -- and feel attractive to -- another man so strongly that she can get around the psychological barriers.


A threesome with another man.
A slight variation on the previous fantasy: Now the other guy and I are doubling up on Amy. The image that really arrests me when I imagine this is this: She is bent in front of me, my cock in her mouth, our eyes making contact, as every thrust from the gentleman behind her creates Fulfillment Probability Meter: 5. If she goes for the first one, is it that long a trip to this one? (I'm seriously asking: Is there?)


Sharing a cock with Amy.
Certainly a "spin-off" from MFM threesome above, but it crosses into something a little harder to (pardon the pun) swallow for some people -- Amy included. Yes, I have smoked pipe. Even in 2007, I think this is, for some, a disturbing revelation. I guess I'll have to go into more detail on that part of my history at a later date.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 3. Amy's uncomfortable with this -- more than she lets on most of the time. (The topic doesn't come up that often.) It'd be fun, but I'm not likely to ask for this one. The fantasy is less fun if both participants aren't 100% into it.


A threesome with another woman.
The night that I met Amy, I ended up sleeping between her and her best friend. That night more than 15 years ago is still the well I go back to when my inspiration is drought-stricken. And the amazing thing is that nothing happened. At least not between the three of us. (I will share this story in detail later.) Amy and I have discussed the concept of a threesome before, but the wall she always runs up against is disease. In 1992, we toyed with asking a female co-worker of mine for whom we had both expressed an attraction; but before I asked, the woman made it clear (in an unrelated conversation) that her "wild days" were behind her. We've never come even that close since, though we've fantasized about it before.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 6. Only because Amy once entertained the thought. She'd be more likely to consider tag-team fellatio than actually letting me fuck someone else (mainly due to disease concerns rather than jealousy).


Sex in front of another person or couple.
Playing on my exhibitionist streak. This fantasy would likely be a precursor/"warm-up" to one of the aforementioned fantasies -- a step back from another person/couple participating directly with us. The more potent version of this fantasy is the "couple" version, where I envision friends on the same bed or in the same room, having sex with each other while Amy and I do the same.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 6. This fantasy has the advantage of "addressing" Amy's disease issue ... by not addressing it at all. The sex stays contained within the already established relationships. It's the equivalent of watching live porn; so how different is that from the video porn we already watch? The two keys needed to unlock this one are finding the "right couple" and helping Amy deal with her body image issues.


A semi-public blowjob.
I've had a specific fantasy in this vein for sometime. Here's the scenario: We've been traveling on the road at night -- Amy's driving, I'm the passenger -- and we stop off at a rest stop (a slight distance from the rest stop buildings) to use the restrooms and switch drivers. When I return to the car, Amy is already sitting in the passenger seat of the car. I walk up to her window, tap it. She lowers it. "This is for you," I say (or maybe it's "Can you help a guy out here?") as I unzip my jeans, pull out my cock (already semi-hard from the contemplation of doing this), my hand on the back of her head indicating what I expect. I can hear her giggle under her breath just before she takes me in her mouth and starts giving glorious head. What do I do then? Simply cross my arms on top of the car and enjoy the bucolic wonders of the highway rest stop: travelers walking nearby; dogs and owners headed to the pet area; truckers pulling in for forty winks; the oncoming and receding headlights of cars returning to the road ... all while my wife services me through the window. The world's biggest glory hole. It's a beautiful thing, the road.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 8. Yeah, this could happen. Wouldn't even have to use the coupon for it probably. A spontaneous action when the moment is right. The only challenge would be devising a road trip without the kids. But it could happen.


I have a few more coming up in part two of this post. Again, after the list is complete, I hope that you might suggest which one I should go for ... or toss out an idea that you think I might be interested in.

"Blog Description" History

There's a field in Blogger called "Blog Description," directly under the title. I couldn't come up with one, so I've been putting random things there that I believe capture the essence of this blog. This entry is a history of the descriptions which have appeared in that field. If you read all of them, maybe you'll have an idea what this is about. When you figure it out, email me.


[i'm still trying to remember this one]
(1/26 - 27/2007)

Everything I know ... I've learned between her legs.
(1/27 - 29/2007)

He's like Barack Obama ... except he's not afraid to admit he wants to take his wife from behind.
(1/29 - 2/1/2007)

I don't just suck at unequivocation ... I swallow.
(2/1 - 3/2007)

She said, "I'm into geeks." I said, "All the hot women are."
(2/3 - 5/2007)

"I'm sorry we're not having sex more often ... But you have to admit that it's pretty amazing when we do." - Amy Connor
(2/5 - 7/2007)

The first name on Soledad O'Brien's blogroll.
(2/7 - 10/2007)

"It’s got more hooks than a tackle box , it’s got really loud guitars
It’s got a blasting cap in the fertilizer, got the secret anguish of the network stars
It’s anti-fur, it’s unplugged, it’s got an OK from the Pope
Got art nails and a Wonderbra, and dreadlock blunt-rolled Buddha dope"
- Kevin Gilbert
(2/10 - 13/2007)

I have less sex in order to conserve my Ch'i ... for blogging.
(2/13 - 19/2007)

My other blog is about important developments in the worlds of Mideast politics and nuclear physics.
(2/19 - 22/2007)

Just another blog where the big head overanalyzes the little head.
(2/22 - 27/2007)

Vanilla Sex. Big Words. Lots of punctuation.
(2/27 - 3/3/2007)

Save the adoring husband with exceptional cunnilingus technique ... save the world.
(3/3 - 7/2007)

Marriage To-Do List: 1) Dishes. 2) Pick up toys. 3) Clean gutters. 4) Fuck like horny porn stars. 5) Prepare dinner.
(3/7 - 13/2007)

Read all you want. Just make sure you wash your hands before you leave.
(3/13 - 16/2007)

I may live to fuck my wife, but ... I serve at the pleasure of the President.
(3/16 - 21/2007)

Real sex and writing: Two great tastes that taste great together.
(3/21 - 26/2007)

"Rin Tin Tin is a movie star. I'm just a guy with a sex blog" - Al Gore (um, paraphrased)
(3/26 - 4/1/2007)

Just like all the other sex blogs, except ... more cowbell!
(4/1 - 6/2007)

"Keep your lamplight trimmed and burning." -Beck
(4/6 - 12/2007)

Trying to teach my wife that a flirtatious comment does not have to be a promise.
(4/12 - 20/2007)

The story of me and my wife — who, you'll all be gratified to hear, is speaking to me again since Danielynn Smith's paternity test results were made public.
(4/20 - 24/2007)

Or ... The Closeted Libertine.
(4/24 - 10/25/2007)

"There's no amount of work a man can't do if it's not what he's supposed to be doing." -Peter Benchley
(10/25 - ?/2007)