BlogMeBlogYou II: Dream A Marriage Drawn with Dotted Lines

Push (I push ) until U get 2 higher ground
Hey, push - U're never 2 young, U're never 2 old
Yeah push - don't stop until U go
- Prince [taken entirely out of context]

This is the second in an ongoing series of posts about other blogs I read. These words could be stuck in the "comments" section of the other blog, but really this is less a "reaction" to the original entry than an extensive elaboration.

Married Exploits: Confused

Now that Odysseus and I have opened the window into new sexual adventures and possibilities, I find that it affects what I think and feel when I'm with our friends.

That's Penelope of Married Exploits, kicking off a blog entry that is now more than a month old. (I've hit a crazy-busy patch at work, and that combined with some moonlighting work has made steady blogging quite the challenge.)

A lot of the blogs that I read on a regular basis are chosen because I want to live vicariously through their experience. Some of the bloggers who experiment with sharing their bed are so far out "ahead" that I can't imagine Amy and me doing what they do.

But Odysseus and Penelope -- they're a little newer to this experience. And though we have hardly come as far as this couple, when I read their give-and-take on the blog, I can almost imagine Amy and me sharing very similar thoughts. In other words: I can see Odysseus and Penelope's taillights ... and imagine possibly pulling up beside them someday. (Such heady life goals Denis entertains, you know?)

Anyway. Back to Penelope's thoughts:

In bed, Odysseus and I talk about the friends we are attracted to and the possibilities that could happen with them. This begins to create expectation in my mind and I begin to go into social situations with almost the mind set like I did when I was single. "Is this person a possibility? Should I flirt with them? What if?"

I once posted about a party Amy and I attended where we met an attractive couple. After the party, in a response to my query, Amy indicated the couple's positive "potential" for a foursome/swap/whatever. I put potential in quotes for a reason: I'm pretty sure that Amy was not going beyond the theoretical in that short conversation. While we fantasize during sex about such encounters, I wonder if, for her, this is anything more than an indulgence in my kinks.

I've been tempted to put that to the test — to tell Amy straight out that I am considering asking for a threesome or foursome for my wild-card coupon. I think to myself, What's the harm in putting it out there? "Anything ... Just ask." What's the worst that could happen? A "no?"

That is the worst that could happen. And if it did, certainly life would go on. Except that ... a hard "no" condemns the fantasy to Fantasyland in perpetuity.

I would live a very happy, fulfilled, lucky life without watching Amy suck another man's cock ... without watching Amy fuck another man while I fuck his wife ... without even fucking Amy in front of another person or couple. I mean, it's just a silly fantasy, right?

Yes ... on one level. On another level, it's a kink. A big one for me. And a kink runs deeper, is more potent, weighs heavier than mere fantasy. A lot of seed has been spilled, friends, in the dream-pursuit of the Orgy Of Four. So, while it would not be a tragedy to see that fantasy upended once and for all ... it would be mighty sad nonetheless.

So I'm caught in that oh-so-cliché Purgatory of the Meek: Do I push and take the chance of having a fantasy hobbled once and for all? Or do I stay mum and preserve the insatiable power that the image holds?

Of course I know what you're all going to say: Go for it, you idiot. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll surprise myself.

Then I realize Odysseus and I have awakened this whole other realm of possibility to which most people, in general, are oblivious. They view us as married and sealed off. They view themselves as married or in a relationship and sealed off. The sexual energy, and often energy in general, is completely dormant. They are tired working adults.

In my head, I can't accept that my sexual energy is "sealed off." I view life around me in terms of sensuality. Pleasure. My life is a tide, and I have one insanely strong sex undertow. I'm a closeted libertine.

But I wonder if Penelope is describing my wife. On certain nights, in certain situations, Amy might entertain the thought of pushing that envelope. But, by her own admission, these are not dominant thoughts. I'd say, "Well, that's a difference between men and women," except that this oversimplified assertion wouldn't explain women like ... well, Penelope. And so many others I've come to know since launching this blog. Amy is my life partner, there's no question. But it's hard to think of an area in our relationship where we exist on planes further apart.

So what to do with this dichotomy? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps pushing ... gently.

How I long for — how many of my fellow bloggers long for — a world where the borders of marriage are more fluid. Where a couple can reserve certain emotions, certain intimacies just for themselves ... but still feel the freedom to share a sensuality with others who feel likewise. Oh, I know that this world exists now — many of you prove this. But wouldn't it be wonderful to not have to hide behind our anonymity, to be so scorned by fellow members of society?

Okay, I'll get off of this before I lapse into a rewrite of John Lennon's "Imagine."

I do keep in mind something else that Penelope points out:

If we keep the window open to these things and get aroused thinking and talking about it, reality always might be kind of disappointing. If we actually walk through the door, reality might fuck with our heads and be disappointing too.

There's always the fear of reality shitting upon the fantasy. But it comes down to "nothing wagered, nothing gained," right? So you try it ... and it sucks. Great! Now you can put that one behind you, opening up lots of time to obsess about another kink!

+++
Oh, Pen and Odie ... one more thing:

It has to be with the RIGHT couple, and god knows what this couple is really like.

If Amy and I work slowly down that road ... If I ask her ... If she says "okay ..." In a perfect world, Amy and I would be your right couple. It's not just something to think about; it's something to be fierecely aroused by.

"Wild Card" Coupon Fantasy Options (Pt. 1)

An earlier post documented the Christmas "coupons" Amy gave me. As I wrote at the time, one particular coupon -- the "wild card" ("Good for one new thing of your choosing. Just ask.") sent my mind (and other parts) reeling.

Lying in bed that night with Amy asleep next to me, I realized that all of my regular mental masturbatory material suddenly had new import. Many of them were a little closer to reality. I was intensely horny, so I tried to "pick a card" from my fantasy deck and get off.

But the coupon had an unfortunate side-effect: I was suffering from SADD ... Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder. Like a spinning Rolodex®, my mind could not settle on a single fantasy. And without locking in, I wasn't able to jack off. (Johnnie Cochran said something like that. What was his famous enthymeme? Oh yeah: "If you're brain can't lock, you can't yank cock!")

I had already been contemplating the creation of this blog, and I knew right then that one of my early posts would be a list of my fantasies that involve Amy. Which is pretty much almost every fantasy. An exhaustive list of Denis' kinks.

Exhaustive? Who am I kidding? No such list could exist. There are probably kinks in my psyche that I don't even know about. Nonetheless, as of today, I have compiled the existing list of fantasies that I might be asking Amy for when the mood is right. It's long enough that I'm splitting it into two posts. After both are posted, I'm hoping that you might help me pick one ... or even suggest others.

Without further ado, Part One:

Watch Amy have sex with another man.
Holy Christ, is the hotwife fantasy ever a potent one. If it's not already obvious from the (ever-growing) blogroll to the left, the dream of sharing Amy runs deep. One variation on this theme involves us encountering a man on a long Amtrak journey. The fantasy, for me, is even more powerful because the man in this fantasy is black. I used to worry about the innately racist undertone of this angle. Luckily, sex advice columnist Dan Savage helped me come to terms with this in a recent column about this topic. But really, I'm not going to quibble about something as trivial as race when it comes to this fantasy.
Fulfillment Probability Meter (the likelihood of this fantasy really happening, on a scale of 1 to 10): I give this one a 5. And that's higher than than, say, 6 months ago. Between the coupons and Amy's encouraging us to explore anal, I just might have underestimated how open she is to new sexual experiences. But two major factors stand in the way, as I see it: Amy's concerns about disease, and the need for her to be attracted to -- and feel attractive to -- another man so strongly that she can get around the psychological barriers.


A threesome with another man.
A slight variation on the previous fantasy: Now the other guy and I are doubling up on Amy. The image that really arrests me when I imagine this is this: She is bent in front of me, my cock in her mouth, our eyes making contact, as every thrust from the gentleman behind her creates Fulfillment Probability Meter: 5. If she goes for the first one, is it that long a trip to this one? (I'm seriously asking: Is there?)


Sharing a cock with Amy.
Certainly a "spin-off" from MFM threesome above, but it crosses into something a little harder to (pardon the pun) swallow for some people -- Amy included. Yes, I have smoked pipe. Even in 2007, I think this is, for some, a disturbing revelation. I guess I'll have to go into more detail on that part of my history at a later date.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 3. Amy's uncomfortable with this -- more than she lets on most of the time. (The topic doesn't come up that often.) It'd be fun, but I'm not likely to ask for this one. The fantasy is less fun if both participants aren't 100% into it.


A threesome with another woman.
The night that I met Amy, I ended up sleeping between her and her best friend. That night more than 15 years ago is still the well I go back to when my inspiration is drought-stricken. And the amazing thing is that nothing happened. At least not between the three of us. (I will share this story in detail later.) Amy and I have discussed the concept of a threesome before, but the wall she always runs up against is disease. In 1992, we toyed with asking a female co-worker of mine for whom we had both expressed an attraction; but before I asked, the woman made it clear (in an unrelated conversation) that her "wild days" were behind her. We've never come even that close since, though we've fantasized about it before.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 6. Only because Amy once entertained the thought. She'd be more likely to consider tag-team fellatio than actually letting me fuck someone else (mainly due to disease concerns rather than jealousy).


Sex in front of another person or couple.
Playing on my exhibitionist streak. This fantasy would likely be a precursor/"warm-up" to one of the aforementioned fantasies -- a step back from another person/couple participating directly with us. The more potent version of this fantasy is the "couple" version, where I envision friends on the same bed or in the same room, having sex with each other while Amy and I do the same.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 6. This fantasy has the advantage of "addressing" Amy's disease issue ... by not addressing it at all. The sex stays contained within the already established relationships. It's the equivalent of watching live porn; so how different is that from the video porn we already watch? The two keys needed to unlock this one are finding the "right couple" and helping Amy deal with her body image issues.


A semi-public blowjob.
I've had a specific fantasy in this vein for sometime. Here's the scenario: We've been traveling on the road at night -- Amy's driving, I'm the passenger -- and we stop off at a rest stop (a slight distance from the rest stop buildings) to use the restrooms and switch drivers. When I return to the car, Amy is already sitting in the passenger seat of the car. I walk up to her window, tap it. She lowers it. "This is for you," I say (or maybe it's "Can you help a guy out here?") as I unzip my jeans, pull out my cock (already semi-hard from the contemplation of doing this), my hand on the back of her head indicating what I expect. I can hear her giggle under her breath just before she takes me in her mouth and starts giving glorious head. What do I do then? Simply cross my arms on top of the car and enjoy the bucolic wonders of the highway rest stop: travelers walking nearby; dogs and owners headed to the pet area; truckers pulling in for forty winks; the oncoming and receding headlights of cars returning to the road ... all while my wife services me through the window. The world's biggest glory hole. It's a beautiful thing, the road.
Fulfillment Probability Meter: 8. Yeah, this could happen. Wouldn't even have to use the coupon for it probably. A spontaneous action when the moment is right. The only challenge would be devising a road trip without the kids. But it could happen.


I have a few more coming up in part two of this post. Again, after the list is complete, I hope that you might suggest which one I should go for ... or toss out an idea that you think I might be interested in.