TMI Tuesday #3: Putting On My "Depends"

I don't just suck at unequivocation ... I swallow. Case in point: This week's TMI Tuesday responses.


1. Do you think people in general are too forgiving of or too harsh on promiscuous women? Promiscuous men?

I think I will often answer TMI Tuesday questions with "It depends." In this case, the X factor is the community that these promiscuous individuals (promiscuosities?) move through. In the community that you ("Dear Reader") are currently residing, promiscuity is, by and large, accepted ... in many cases even applauded. Slutty behavior makes for better blog entries, right? Meanwhile, in Conservativeville, USA, promiscuity, while probably no less rampant, is a means to castigation.

How do you define "promiscuous?" The lead definition at Answers.com is: "Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners." But I think a lot of people consider promiscuity something more along the lines of cheating on someone. "Why did they break up?" "Well, she was promiscuous." The assumption there being that she was sleeping around on her partner against his wishes. But what if she's doing so with his knowledge, née his approval? She's still promiscuous, but the promiscuity is acceptable within the community of their partnership. Nothing to forgive, nothing to punish.

Unless she asks for punishment ... and takes it bent over like the naughty girl that she is.

I'm sorry, did I get distracted again? I'm avoiding a true answer to the question.

The general answer here is that societies are more harsh on women than men when it comes to promiscuity. Whether punishment or praise is appropriate for sluts (male or female), one would hope that the treatment would be meted out equally. But we're a long way from equality in so many places in this society; why would this dark corner be any different?

Yes, this is my grand take on gender equality: Women won't be truly equal until they can fuck around just as much as men! Now, if I can work that into an "I have a dream"-style speech, I can become the hero of the sex blogosphere.


2. Suppose you've been dating someone for a year, and they're slowly getting fat. Does this romance have long-term potential?

That depends, doesn't it?

Do I love her for more than her physique? If so, then the weight is going to matter far less.

Is her weight gain making her a more unhappy person? If it is, and if she's not going to actually take steps to improve her self-esteem, there will be some troubling signposts ahead.

Am I also putting on weight too? If I'm an average American, I probably am getting heavier by virtue of aging.

If the increased weight makes the sound of my hips slapping against her ass more deeply resonant, am I going to complain? I don't believe so. Provided the weight gain doesn't curtail the interest in intimacy of either party, I think the relationship will continue to flourish.


3. If you have five VERY successful dates with someone, are you a couple?

That depends ... on which psychological hang-up you have. Are you a hopelessly starry-eyed buffoon who absently scribbles your first name with his last name on your telephone doodle pad, when all he did was hold a door open for you? Or are you the kind who, after a decade together, flips out when he suggests you leave a toothbrush over at his place, demanding to "just fucking take it slowly, okay?!"

Me? I was the buffoon. We were usually a couple after one. I fell hard and fast. Not unlike my sexual performance at that age.

But seriously, in this day: If you're actually able to have five "VERY successful" dates, you are a complete and utter idiot to not be a couple.


4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?

Wait a minute: That phrase is referring to my toes? Criminy. That explains why every time I get Amy close to climax, she starts screaming at me to "Leave my fucking toes alone -- it hurts when you bend them back to my ankles!"

Thank God I've got this blog to help me learn where I've gone wrong.


5. Can great sex be reason enough to stay in a relationship? (What about just okay sex?)

That depends. Where does the couple want the relationship to go? Plenty of "friends with benefits" setups can last a long, long time. (Sometimes they continue even after the parties involved have started new relationships with others.) But it is our nature for our needs in life to change over time -- and rarely do two people's needs change in consort. When a relationship is based on one element, and that element gets out of sync, you'd better have something else to fall back on.

While I know people who have had long-term relationships based pretty much on the sex, I've never maintained one myself. The relationship that probably falls best into this category lasted about three months (the sex was quite grand) ... but I found so many other things about her to be incompatible with me that I had to end it. Later, we had a FWB arrangement for awhile, and that was actually working much better ... until I fell in love with her best friend.

TMI Tuesday #1: One Day Late

TMI Tuesday used the excuse of the holiday for throwing them off ... so I will too! Thought I'd get in on this weekly activity, at least for awhile. Seeing as this is such a new blog and I'm a relative stranger to the "scene," I figured it would be a chance for readers to gain some insight.


1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

Man, it's been a long time since I've dated. But let me imagine this for a second....

Mmmmm ... back seat of the car ... bra hiked up ... jeans pulled down ... feeling that delectable, wet ....

Oops, sorry. Stay on task, Connor. Okay.

a) If she's not well-spoken -- if she isn't able to carry on an interesting conversation that shows education and a knowledge of culture/pop culture -- she's probably not going to have "interest" staying power with me. That probably sounds snotty, but it's true. Mousy conversationalist? Turnoff.

b) If she's rude to service people, I'm outta there. Being an asshole to the waitstaff, or blowing up at an usher ... I don't have time for that kind of crap. She may be mind-blowing in bed, but if I can't stand her outside of bed, why bother?

c) If she lacks any style when it comes to kissing, it's gonna be a tough row to hoe. Lips that just lay there, seem "thin," hesitant, or a liplock without the flair for the dramatic: Better start lining up a Craigslist ad in a hurry, babe.


2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)

Well, I hate to go for the obvious here, but probably the dog. The one always mounting your leg. Not that I walk around doing this to everything that moves (but that does create a hilarious workplace image, doesn't it?) ... It's just that, in my head, that's the way I feel. Quick to distract. Easy to entertain. Plays hard, then sleeps hard (but never for long enough, it seems). Probably a 9-month-old puppy, I'm thinking.


3) If your s.o. stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?

Probably a long time. It's a marriage -- I'm in it for the long haul. But you could bet that I'd be going about doing whatever I could to fix things. Hell, that's why I'm here, blogging. We're not even at a critical point of danger in our relationship -- I mean, we're not at "go get counseling" status or anything like that -- but I did want to put some specific thought toward the feeling I have of being "undersexed," so I'm working on it ... with her in real-life and here on my own.


4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?

I've been passive in the past, probably responding to my partners' signals/body language and too frightened to "push the envelope" without knowing if they would like the more aggressive approach. (And I was probably not open enough to feel comfortable discussing it with them.) But in this relationship, where I feel completely comfortable, a definite aggressive streak has shown up. Fortunately she likes it. And she will even occasionally show signs of returning the favor, which is a nice change-up every once in awhile.


5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?

What, do I seem like I'm 16? Of course I have. My wife and I have gone several times. Before her, I'd been many times in my 20s as well.

One particular trip to a store was memorable. It was a visit to an adult toystore with the woman I dated before I met my wife. One of those roadside stores -- you know, the ones just off the highway, with the neon signs, and all the pickups and SUVs parked out front. She was driving, and she decided she wanted to see what one of those places looked like, so she pulled off, and in we went.

The stuff seemed even tackier than the product in most places like that. The toys incredibly cheap, the magazines particularly skanky. We didn't stay long, and we certainly didn't buy anything.

But the experience must have done something to my girlfriend. When we got back in the car, she asked me to drive. Not long after getting back on the road, cuddled up to me, pulled my arm around her, and slipped my hand inside her shirt, where she encouraged me to play with her. Before long, she was massaging my crotch, and then she slipped my cock out and gave me roadhead.

It wasn't very good roadhead, sadly. I don't think she was completely comfortable with the situation. It was also incredibly small Geo Metro -- that might have had something to do with it! I remember having to pull off the road for my climax. She finished me and swallowed -- the only time she ever swallowed. I guess she wanted to avoid the mess on her car seats.

She was strangely distant the rest of the night, even after we got back to her place. Just turned over in bed and went to sleep. I'm not sure if the cum made her nauseous, or if the experience made her feel cheap or dirty.... I haltingly inquired about what was going on, and she pretty much made it clear she wasn't talking about it. This was definitely near the end of the relationship.

Not really an "adult store" story, but a memory that branched off from it.


Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?

Oh, definitely a smaller percentage of women than men. The stereotype is that, for (usually young) men, a FWB situation is ideal; for women, it makes them feel like a tramp. I had a nice FWB relationship with a woman who was definitely cool with that. But she was the exception to the rule in my experience. The FWB ended up introducing me to my wife.

I would say 25% of women are capable of handling it. Around 50% of men could handle it. That might be a lower percentage of men than you might expect, but I believe there are a lot of jealous men out there who, I think, would prefer to "tie up" their partner's interests, and FWB doesn't really allow for that. Still, it's much higher than women.