Why one day late? Because my sexual peccadillos and observations are so important that they need your complete attention. Yes, I'm that important to your psyche's libido.
1. If they kept stats of your sex life like they do in sports, what would you lead the league in? what all time record would you hold?
I'm currently leading the league in FPPH — fantasy positions per hour. Why, just as I wrote this entry, I fucked Amy on a staircase, one of her legs pointing to the sky; and she rode me cowgirl while simultaneously handling a work-related cell phone conversation with her boss.
And I will undoubtedly make it into the Sex Hall of Fame with my strong hold on the official TCSD. That would be teasing clitoral stimulation duration. Amy hates that I have this record, and believes I should be banished from all major league sex-realted sports for my "bad sportsmanship." To which I reply: "When all is said and done, who loses?"
2. What song gets you in the mood to have sex? best music to fuck to? best music to make love to?
This questionsis so relative to the moment. What would get me going right now? Probably something sung by the more gravelly-voiced singer in Gomez. I have no idea why.
But if we want to go with a more traditional "what would get me in the mood" song, it would probably be Prince's "Darling Nikki." Trés predictable, I know. It has to do with Purple Rain's placement in time during my high-school / college years. The song had this taboo quality — not so much because I was listening to it, but the fact that the nation was listening to it. Even a censored version of "Darling Nikki" got mega-airplay in the early 1980s, and that amazes me to this day. Perhaps memories associated with the song is underwritten by teenage hormones, but it really seemed like there was this secret my generation carried around with us, like a pop-music version of our own pocket-rocket vibrator.
Plus, Prince makes Amy horny. Period. I'm sure that's related to her memories/hormones from that time as well.
Best music to make love to ... Why is that more difficult? Maybe because when we do have sex, we fuck more than make love. But okay, I'll bite. Coldplay's first album, Parachutes, has this magic that, quite frankly, the band has never captured again. (Which is not to say the later stuff isn't good, they just went in a different direction.) There is an intimacy on tracks like "Spies," "Trouble," "High Speed," and the superb, enthralling "Everything's Not Lost" (sorry about the Harry Potter vid link for that last one — just close your eyes and listen) that totally turns me on. Amy and I had a wonderful weekend in a bed and breakfast listening to this record. Ah, those care-free, pre-parenting years.
3. Where is your favorite place to have sex in your house/apartment?
There's a couch in the basement I like a lot, because it's the perfect height to bend Amy over, stand up, and fuck her. Optionally, we can watch porn from this position quite easily.
But the real interest for me is in the places I want to fuck her in the house: let me assure you that Amy desperately needs to be fucked on our kitchen island and on our dining room table. The kitchen counter would be so perfect. A nice, high level, so I don't have to bend over far when I eat her out while her curled-toe feet are hooked under the counter ledge on each side. The bright light just a couple of feet above her would give it this spotlight-on-stage quality — further enhanced by the fact that our next-door neighbors could look down outside their master bedroom suite bathroom window and enjoy the show. (To my knowledge, they never have — the window is a bit high to make that an easy maneuver for them — but the thought still tantalizes.)
And the dining room table, that's all about this common area, this community place that everyone visits on a daily basis. I mean, the couch is the same way, but everyone fucks on a couch. To be sitting at that beautiful mahogany table with my whole family at a Thanksgiving feast, and to lean over to Amy's ear and whisper: "Do you remember when I was pushing your face, your tits, into this surface a couple of weeks ago? How your breath condensed on the wood and you asked me to fuck you harder?"
I mean, come on. Does it get better than that?
4. Have you taken/asked for a girls panties before? What did you do with them?
I haven't. Panties off of a woman don't do much for me. I love to play with panties while they're still on a woman ... pull them up and into her slit ... try to eat her through them ... pull them aside and fuck her without taking them off. But actually doing something with them when they're off beyond throwing them as hard as I can against the far wall in my aggressive passion ... Nah. I've even tried a pair on to see if it did anything. It didn't. Not in my wiring, I guess.
5. What makes a kiss a great to you?
It's all in the approach. The simmering intention behind the eyes. The warm, parting lips that take an extra modicum of effort to separate. And then slightly missing the bullseye target lips, either purposely or not. An imperfect landing for me implies that passion is more important than technique. It's more important that this kiss happen now than it happen in a Hollywood moment.
Bonus: Who pays for a date? If the girl asks a guy out, does she pay? If you are interested in same sex partners, how do you determine who pays?
Who pays for our date? Everyone pays for it. The gas that we expend getting their is adding to the pollution. The food we consume is adding to humanity's reckless destruction of our planet. The movie we attend adds to the belittling of intelligent thought in our popular culture. The noise of our frenzied sex on the sixth floor of the parking garage adds to the noise pollution, not to mention the embarrassment of the ultra-conservative Christian couple who walk by the car and try their best, with small talk about the romantic flick they just saw, to ignore the female voice they just distinctly heard screaming Do my ass NOW, you fucker! from behind the fogging, tempered glass.
Oh yes. We all pay.
-----
I have a little project for November: I'm writing a novel. No, sadly (for you), it's not a sex novel. (But maybe another year I'll try that.) I'm only mentioning it here because, heck, I just showed up again, and now I may not be posting a lot during November. Have no fear: I will try to post occasionally during the next 30 days, but I expect to be more "present" in December and beyond.
Showing posts with label TMI Tuesday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TMI Tuesday. Show all posts
31 October 2007
24 April 2007
TMI Tuesday #10: "Hello!"
I like to play. You can too.
1. What one piece of sage relationship advice would you give your child (or niece/nephew or friend).
Above all else, communicate. This doesn't mean just telling your partner what you need, it means asking lots of questions about his/her needs. And insist that your partner do the same. If (s)he is at all uncomfortable with lots of communication, that's a red flag. Don't be shocked when major issues come up later.
2. When was the last time you left a passion mark Or had one left on you? (A passion mark is an unintentional physical manifestation of an act of passion: a hickey left in the heat of the moment; fingernail or teeth marks that last for more than an hour, a bump on your head from slamming into the headboard could even count).
Probably not since high school, when I left "physical manifestations of an act of passion" (who is writing this stuff?) on the inside of my girlfriend's thighs, right next to her pussy. I haven't felt the "need" to do that since. Nor has it been requested.
3. When was the last time you had sex in a car?
Only once — same girlfriend as in number 2 above! It was a Buick Regal, her mom's. We had driven to the other end of the apartment complex from where her place was. We believed this would give us privacy. We were wrong! We also had parked fairly near a very large dumpster, and for some bizarre, completely stupid reason, this car came up and parked right next to us at 3:30 in the morning — just as she was straddling my lap and bouncing on my dick. We dove for cover. She ended up stretched out on the back seat and I was on the floor.
This guy next to us, in a station wagon, pulls the tailgate down and proceeds to sit there next to us and eat lunch while we lie perfectly still. Then he starts unloading trash from the back of the car into the nearby dumpster. At some point, my girlfriend decides to torture me by playing with my dick while I lie down there, unable to make a sound with this guy sometimes no more than two feet away from us. When he finally did drive off, I used all that pent-up energy to fuck her silly.
Oh, I also have had roadhead a number of times. For the story of one of those occasions, go back in time.
4. Have you ever had an orgasm in a public conveyance?
I'm not too proud to say that I actually had to look up "conveyance" to make sure it meant what I thought it meant. It did, though I thought it would be a more broad term that might include time-travel machines, space shuttles, and (in some countries) elephants. Which it doesn't. So sadly, with those restrictions, my honest answer must be: No.
Amy and I have had a LOT of sex on Amtrak, but never in a public area — always in the privacy of our sleeper. (Terrible name, "sleeper." Who sleeps when you'd rather fuck like crazed porn stars, her tits pressed up against the window as you watch the backyards of America fly by?)
5. Have you ever had an orgasm with someone other than your partner (or partners) present?
Okay, not 100% sure exactly what you're going for here, but I'm thinking that you must be asking if I've ever come while someone else besides the person actually assisting in the orgasm was in the room. In other words, have I ever come on the sly?
Hmmmm. No. None of my partners, as best I know, were the kind that found a real thrill with sex in public or "dangerous" places. Too bad, it would have been fun. Apparently, they all needed privacy in order to release their inhibitions.
Now, I've been teased plenty of times by women in public, with a foot or a hand, standing in a crowd or sitting at a table. But I never came from that activity.
Bonus (as in optional): You are strolling along in the mall with your S.O. A young woman is approaching from the opposite direction and will pass within feet of you. She is attractive and has magnificent body. Describe your reaction.
First of all, you need to know this: Seven times out of ten, Amy notices these beautiful women before I do. And she usually comments on them. But whether it's Amy or me noticing, the initial reaction is the same: Either before we get within earshot of the subject or after we've passed her, one of us says: "Hello!" The reaction is usually reserved for women with particularly large breasts who feel the need to share their gifts with the world as much as the law allows. But it can also be used for women who are simply exceptionally devastating.
Amy's cool with this — as long as I don't go on about it for too long!
1. What one piece of sage relationship advice would you give your child (or niece/nephew or friend).
Above all else, communicate. This doesn't mean just telling your partner what you need, it means asking lots of questions about his/her needs. And insist that your partner do the same. If (s)he is at all uncomfortable with lots of communication, that's a red flag. Don't be shocked when major issues come up later.
2. When was the last time you left a passion mark Or had one left on you? (A passion mark is an unintentional physical manifestation of an act of passion: a hickey left in the heat of the moment; fingernail or teeth marks that last for more than an hour, a bump on your head from slamming into the headboard could even count).
Probably not since high school, when I left "physical manifestations of an act of passion" (who is writing this stuff?) on the inside of my girlfriend's thighs, right next to her pussy. I haven't felt the "need" to do that since. Nor has it been requested.
3. When was the last time you had sex in a car?
Only once — same girlfriend as in number 2 above! It was a Buick Regal, her mom's. We had driven to the other end of the apartment complex from where her place was. We believed this would give us privacy. We were wrong! We also had parked fairly near a very large dumpster, and for some bizarre, completely stupid reason, this car came up and parked right next to us at 3:30 in the morning — just as she was straddling my lap and bouncing on my dick. We dove for cover. She ended up stretched out on the back seat and I was on the floor.
This guy next to us, in a station wagon, pulls the tailgate down and proceeds to sit there next to us and eat lunch while we lie perfectly still. Then he starts unloading trash from the back of the car into the nearby dumpster. At some point, my girlfriend decides to torture me by playing with my dick while I lie down there, unable to make a sound with this guy sometimes no more than two feet away from us. When he finally did drive off, I used all that pent-up energy to fuck her silly.
Oh, I also have had roadhead a number of times. For the story of one of those occasions, go back in time.
4. Have you ever had an orgasm in a public conveyance?
I'm not too proud to say that I actually had to look up "conveyance" to make sure it meant what I thought it meant. It did, though I thought it would be a more broad term that might include time-travel machines, space shuttles, and (in some countries) elephants. Which it doesn't. So sadly, with those restrictions, my honest answer must be: No.
Amy and I have had a LOT of sex on Amtrak, but never in a public area — always in the privacy of our sleeper. (Terrible name, "sleeper." Who sleeps when you'd rather fuck like crazed porn stars, her tits pressed up against the window as you watch the backyards of America fly by?)
5. Have you ever had an orgasm with someone other than your partner (or partners) present?
Okay, not 100% sure exactly what you're going for here, but I'm thinking that you must be asking if I've ever come while someone else besides the person actually assisting in the orgasm was in the room. In other words, have I ever come on the sly?
Hmmmm. No. None of my partners, as best I know, were the kind that found a real thrill with sex in public or "dangerous" places. Too bad, it would have been fun. Apparently, they all needed privacy in order to release their inhibitions.
Now, I've been teased plenty of times by women in public, with a foot or a hand, standing in a crowd or sitting at a table. But I never came from that activity.
Bonus (as in optional): You are strolling along in the mall with your S.O. A young woman is approaching from the opposite direction and will pass within feet of you. She is attractive and has magnificent body. Describe your reaction.
First of all, you need to know this: Seven times out of ten, Amy notices these beautiful women before I do. And she usually comments on them. But whether it's Amy or me noticing, the initial reaction is the same: Either before we get within earshot of the subject or after we've passed her, one of us says: "Hello!" The reaction is usually reserved for women with particularly large breasts who feel the need to share their gifts with the world as much as the law allows. But it can also be used for women who are simply exceptionally devastating.
Amy's cool with this — as long as I don't go on about it for too long!
22 March 2007
TMI Tuesday #9: Men's Secret Revealed!
Forty-eight hours late. But it's not about timeliness, is it? No. It's about my brutal honesty when TMI Tuesday puts my feet to the hot coals of truthiness. It's about my bearing my soul to you. And, if you're lucky, it's about some embarrassing tidbit regarding my sex life.
A bonus this time 'round: I introduce a new sex term. Help me spread it like an STD! I challenge fellow bloggers to incorporate the term into their own blogs.
Onward!
1. When you are out in public, do you often get hard/get wet?
Not as often as I used to, certainly. There are many curses to getting older; this one is probably more of a blessing. Junior high was rough for me in this regard (as it is for most boys at that time). It's the age where we all perfect the "pull and sweep" move. (No, that's not the term I alluded to above. Wait for it — it's coming.)
Oh, you don't know pull-and-sweep? Have a seat, ladies. It's time to get schooled. (Men are excused — they know this so well, though most of them have never told their lovers about this aspect of their youth.)
Picture, if you will, Our Hero, sitting at one of those desk-chair combos in French class attempting to conjugate être, when he suddenly realizes that, apropos of nothing, the right front pocket of his jeans is tenting. The dull ache in his crotch reveals the "tent maker." And oh boy, trouble is a-brewin': Monsieur Grastorf is about to dismiss class. Our Hero could choose to sit there and wait for his raison d'être to subside, but the problem is that Phys Ed — on the other side of the school grounds — begins in six minutes.
Oh, one more complication: Ingenue, who just happens to be Our Hero's current love interest (read: masturbatory fantasy), has approached the boy. Clutching her French primer to her budding chest, she asks Our Hero if he would walk to the gym with her.
If he were to stand up right now, Our Hero could very possibly be arrested for inflicting this Weapon of Mass Distraction on the poor, unsuspecting young lady.
What is a boy to do?
Step 1. Misdirection. Our Hero will begin an answer to Ingenue ... an answer that will be a "yes," but first things first. Before a word passes from his lips, he shifts his gaze momentarily over Ingenue's right shoulder, and allows a small smile to almost escape his lips. It's just enough to cause the girl to follow his gaze: She turns her head and looks to the front of the classroom, looking for what distracted Our Hero. (And his parents thought all those books on sleight-of-hand magic were a waste of time!)
Step 2. The Pull. Things must move quickly now — in microseconds, Ingenue is coming back around to complete her transaction. One hand is used, and it needs to be the hand from the side opposite the direction the offending appendage has encroached. The hand grabs the fold of his jeans' excess material — you know, that part that folds up against the stomach when he sits down — and pulls this away from his body. This creates a larger tent of space, leaving room for Step 3 to occur.
Step 3. The Sweep. The hand not currently holding The Pull in place comes down, and with one or two fingers, the pesky erection is pushed to a vertical (or, if you're a flight attendant, the "upright and standing") position. When the "clock hand" points to 12 o'clock, the "Pull" hand releases the material.
Step 4. Business As Usual. "Why, yes, Ingenue, I'd be delighted to accompany you and your gorgeous, hot ass across the school."
Okay, so Step 4 is hopefully uttered with a bit more ... aplomb.
In any case, Our Hero is now free to continue merrily on his way, safe in the knowledge that the deftly executed maneuver has hidden his stiff boy-meat behind the extra material of his jeans zipper. Since that part of any pair of jeans is already thicker than the rest of the pants, no unsightly bulge is evident. The aroused member can even shrink back to its usual pathetic shape (in plenty of time for Our Hero to be thoroughly self-conscious in the gym locker room in 5-1/2 short minutes) without anyone being the wiser.
By the way, the advanced-skills version of this is mastered with one hand: The forefinger and thumb perform The Pull, the remaining three fingers (or some combination thereof) effect The Sweep. If a woman were to witness the adeptness of a skilled Pull-and-Sweeper, it would take her breath away.
Ladies, before I let the men come back in and read the rest of this post, that you will never tell them that I revealed this information. I would sacrifice full faith and credit of all men everywhere. Do we have a deal? Good.
"Come on back, guys! Nothing to see here!"
2. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?
I have had nights, when I'm particularly tired but still wanting to pull one off, where I will literally fall asleep and wake up again with my limp dick in my hands ... only to coax it back to life and finish the job. I've had times where I've fallen asleep more than once. These are certainly extended sessions, though hardly stimulating.
And there are times where I'm all about the tease ... just bringing myself along slowly with slow strokes, coming close and backing off ... starting again. I usually need some good masturbatory material for these. I usually prefer reading over pictures/movies for this kind of jack. The fun thing about these jackoffs is that there is much more semen involved in the money shot.
And then, there are the "maintenance" tugs: I need to get rid of this itch so I can get back to work. This style is all business. Movies work best in this case. I can get myself off in less than five minutes in these situations from a dead stand-still, if I need to.
If I don't have other materials available to me, I usually conjure up a re-creation of past sexual experiences. The vast majority of these involve my wife.
The fallback scenario — the one that is guaranteed to bring my seed boiling to the surface (and beyond) — is the re-imagining of the first morning I ever work up with Amy. The morning after the first night I met her. The morning I woke up sandwiched between her ... and her best friend. Who also happened to be my ex-girlfriend.
But that's a story you'll have to wait for. It's too important to not be told properly.
3. What is your most pleasurable intercourse position?
Usually sitting across the table from the someone, each of us with a cup of coffee. I can talk for hours in that position! Hmm? Oh. Not that kind of intercourse.
Of course, you're not going to get me to commit to just one. Why else do you think I'm known as The Equivocating Husband?
Missionary has its advantages — the big two being a) my cock hits her in just the right places (if my angle is a little bit higher than usual), the base almost rubbing against her clit; and b) it puts our mouths right next to our ears, where we can weave all sorts of prurient threats into each other's ears. Downside: I'm prohibited from staying close to her face and really letting loose a serious fuck session.
"Furniture" Missionary — Poising her on the edge of a bed, couch, or table, but still essentially on her back — allows for a more frenzied screw, though it does pull me away from her face. It allows me to watch her body, specifically, her tits jiggling to the beat of our dance.
Doggy is really nice for the more raunchy fuck: I grab on to those life-bearing hips and try to make 'em hear our animal applause1 in the next county. In this position, my cock feels bigger to Amy, so my ego gets stroked. She usually gets a lot more vocal. And it's this position that has brought her closest to orgasm during intercourse. Drawback: A little more impersonal. This position should not ever be used in conjunction with the term "making love."
T-Square is one we don't do often, but it's really nice when we do. She gets to control the speed with her heels, if she wants. I get to look at her body in profile and play with her tits. It's another slow-moving position, typically. I wrote about this recently. It was almost too effective.
There is one position that Amy and I did more than a decade ago, and we haven't tried it since. I would love to try it again. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I'll try: Amy was lying on her back, with her legs up and separated. I laid down on my stomach in the opposite direction, and inserted my cock. It's sort of like a "reverse cowboy," if you can imagine that. Movement in and out of her was extremely limited and slow, but that's part of what made it so effective. The other effective element? Amy took the seven-inch vibrator we had out that night and stuck it in my ass. Whoa, Nelly!
4. How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.
Having kids, I've gotten pretty good at squelching the "wirty dords" when they're present. In a mixed group of adults, I'm also pretty solid, unless there is a moment (like, during a joke, or quoting someone else) when it feels "appropriate." Alone with Amy, I let it fly whenever. She doesn't care.
But here's the thing: When I'm around only guys (and granted, that's not often), I'm much more likely to let the f-bomb go. Which, after the fact, always seems odd, because the guys I hang with, they don't really talk like that. It's like some machismo thing I do. What the f-- um, hell is up with that? What am I trying to prove?
5. Have you ever had a spontaneous orgasm? How when why where?
Never had one. I've been brought to the brink through sheer visual or verbal stimulation. But as Johnny Cochrane would always tell me when we lay in bed on our long weekends together, "to get it to spit, you must touch it!" Man, I really miss that guy. Good times.
Bonus (as in optional): Post a link to a picture you consider a strong sexual turn-on.
This works for me because she's not quite ready. I have to talk her into something. It's fun when there's some work to do.
--
1 That's the sound of my hips clapping against her ass. I just made that up. Ya think the term will catch on? [Return]
A bonus this time 'round: I introduce a new sex term. Help me spread it like an STD! I challenge fellow bloggers to incorporate the term into their own blogs.
Onward!
1. When you are out in public, do you often get hard/get wet?
Not as often as I used to, certainly. There are many curses to getting older; this one is probably more of a blessing. Junior high was rough for me in this regard (as it is for most boys at that time). It's the age where we all perfect the "pull and sweep" move. (No, that's not the term I alluded to above. Wait for it — it's coming.)
Oh, you don't know pull-and-sweep? Have a seat, ladies. It's time to get schooled. (Men are excused — they know this so well, though most of them have never told their lovers about this aspect of their youth.)
Picture, if you will, Our Hero, sitting at one of those desk-chair combos in French class attempting to conjugate être, when he suddenly realizes that, apropos of nothing, the right front pocket of his jeans is tenting. The dull ache in his crotch reveals the "tent maker." And oh boy, trouble is a-brewin': Monsieur Grastorf is about to dismiss class. Our Hero could choose to sit there and wait for his raison d'être to subside, but the problem is that Phys Ed — on the other side of the school grounds — begins in six minutes.
Oh, one more complication: Ingenue, who just happens to be Our Hero's current love interest (read: masturbatory fantasy), has approached the boy. Clutching her French primer to her budding chest, she asks Our Hero if he would walk to the gym with her.
If he were to stand up right now, Our Hero could very possibly be arrested for inflicting this Weapon of Mass Distraction on the poor, unsuspecting young lady.
What is a boy to do?
Step 1. Misdirection. Our Hero will begin an answer to Ingenue ... an answer that will be a "yes," but first things first. Before a word passes from his lips, he shifts his gaze momentarily over Ingenue's right shoulder, and allows a small smile to almost escape his lips. It's just enough to cause the girl to follow his gaze: She turns her head and looks to the front of the classroom, looking for what distracted Our Hero. (And his parents thought all those books on sleight-of-hand magic were a waste of time!)
Step 2. The Pull. Things must move quickly now — in microseconds, Ingenue is coming back around to complete her transaction. One hand is used, and it needs to be the hand from the side opposite the direction the offending appendage has encroached. The hand grabs the fold of his jeans' excess material — you know, that part that folds up against the stomach when he sits down — and pulls this away from his body. This creates a larger tent of space, leaving room for Step 3 to occur.Step 3. The Sweep. The hand not currently holding The Pull in place comes down, and with one or two fingers, the pesky erection is pushed to a vertical (or, if you're a flight attendant, the "upright and standing") position. When the "clock hand" points to 12 o'clock, the "Pull" hand releases the material.
Step 4. Business As Usual. "Why, yes, Ingenue, I'd be delighted to accompany you and your gorgeous, hot ass across the school."
Okay, so Step 4 is hopefully uttered with a bit more ... aplomb.
In any case, Our Hero is now free to continue merrily on his way, safe in the knowledge that the deftly executed maneuver has hidden his stiff boy-meat behind the extra material of his jeans zipper. Since that part of any pair of jeans is already thicker than the rest of the pants, no unsightly bulge is evident. The aroused member can even shrink back to its usual pathetic shape (in plenty of time for Our Hero to be thoroughly self-conscious in the gym locker room in 5-1/2 short minutes) without anyone being the wiser.
By the way, the advanced-skills version of this is mastered with one hand: The forefinger and thumb perform The Pull, the remaining three fingers (or some combination thereof) effect The Sweep. If a woman were to witness the adeptness of a skilled Pull-and-Sweeper, it would take her breath away.
Ladies, before I let the men come back in and read the rest of this post, that you will never tell them that I revealed this information. I would sacrifice full faith and credit of all men everywhere. Do we have a deal? Good.
"Come on back, guys! Nothing to see here!"
2. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?
I have had nights, when I'm particularly tired but still wanting to pull one off, where I will literally fall asleep and wake up again with my limp dick in my hands ... only to coax it back to life and finish the job. I've had times where I've fallen asleep more than once. These are certainly extended sessions, though hardly stimulating.
And there are times where I'm all about the tease ... just bringing myself along slowly with slow strokes, coming close and backing off ... starting again. I usually need some good masturbatory material for these. I usually prefer reading over pictures/movies for this kind of jack. The fun thing about these jackoffs is that there is much more semen involved in the money shot.
And then, there are the "maintenance" tugs: I need to get rid of this itch so I can get back to work. This style is all business. Movies work best in this case. I can get myself off in less than five minutes in these situations from a dead stand-still, if I need to.
If I don't have other materials available to me, I usually conjure up a re-creation of past sexual experiences. The vast majority of these involve my wife.
The fallback scenario — the one that is guaranteed to bring my seed boiling to the surface (and beyond) — is the re-imagining of the first morning I ever work up with Amy. The morning after the first night I met her. The morning I woke up sandwiched between her ... and her best friend. Who also happened to be my ex-girlfriend.
But that's a story you'll have to wait for. It's too important to not be told properly.
3. What is your most pleasurable intercourse position?
Usually sitting across the table from the someone, each of us with a cup of coffee. I can talk for hours in that position! Hmm? Oh. Not that kind of intercourse.
Of course, you're not going to get me to commit to just one. Why else do you think I'm known as The Equivocating Husband?
Missionary has its advantages — the big two being a) my cock hits her in just the right places (if my angle is a little bit higher than usual), the base almost rubbing against her clit; and b) it puts our mouths right next to our ears, where we can weave all sorts of prurient threats into each other's ears. Downside: I'm prohibited from staying close to her face and really letting loose a serious fuck session.
"Furniture" Missionary — Poising her on the edge of a bed, couch, or table, but still essentially on her back — allows for a more frenzied screw, though it does pull me away from her face. It allows me to watch her body, specifically, her tits jiggling to the beat of our dance.
Doggy is really nice for the more raunchy fuck: I grab on to those life-bearing hips and try to make 'em hear our animal applause1 in the next county. In this position, my cock feels bigger to Amy, so my ego gets stroked. She usually gets a lot more vocal. And it's this position that has brought her closest to orgasm during intercourse. Drawback: A little more impersonal. This position should not ever be used in conjunction with the term "making love."
T-Square is one we don't do often, but it's really nice when we do. She gets to control the speed with her heels, if she wants. I get to look at her body in profile and play with her tits. It's another slow-moving position, typically. I wrote about this recently. It was almost too effective.
There is one position that Amy and I did more than a decade ago, and we haven't tried it since. I would love to try it again. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I'll try: Amy was lying on her back, with her legs up and separated. I laid down on my stomach in the opposite direction, and inserted my cock. It's sort of like a "reverse cowboy," if you can imagine that. Movement in and out of her was extremely limited and slow, but that's part of what made it so effective. The other effective element? Amy took the seven-inch vibrator we had out that night and stuck it in my ass. Whoa, Nelly!
4. How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.
Having kids, I've gotten pretty good at squelching the "wirty dords" when they're present. In a mixed group of adults, I'm also pretty solid, unless there is a moment (like, during a joke, or quoting someone else) when it feels "appropriate." Alone with Amy, I let it fly whenever. She doesn't care.
But here's the thing: When I'm around only guys (and granted, that's not often), I'm much more likely to let the f-bomb go. Which, after the fact, always seems odd, because the guys I hang with, they don't really talk like that. It's like some machismo thing I do. What the f-- um, hell is up with that? What am I trying to prove?
5. Have you ever had a spontaneous orgasm? How when why where?
Never had one. I've been brought to the brink through sheer visual or verbal stimulation. But as Johnny Cochrane would always tell me when we lay in bed on our long weekends together, "to get it to spit, you must touch it!" Man, I really miss that guy. Good times.
Bonus (as in optional): Post a link to a picture you consider a strong sexual turn-on.
This works for me because she's not quite ready. I have to talk her into something. It's fun when there's some work to do.
--
1 That's the sound of my hips clapping against her ass. I just made that up. Ya think the term will catch on? [Return]
14 March 2007
TMI Tuesday #8: Good Cause
If you're into playing the meme game, you can check out TMI Tuesday and maybe play yourself sometime. Or perhaps just play with yourself. Some would suggest that is a better use of your time. Provided, of course, you blog about it afterwards.
1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?
I've always been a huge fan of the work of the Organization for the Research of Genital Arousal for Sensual Mastery. This not-for-profit has two major goals: to alleviate the root causes of dissatisfaction in the supine, open and obedient, helping their purses swell with the bounty of flowing goodness; and to share lessons learned around the world from those who have also knelt at the altar and spoken in tongues. The group brings the benefits of modern technology to those most in need of climactic occurrences in their otherwise seemingly barren lives.
I have very little money to give to them, but I believe in their cause so much that I have devoted literally hundreds of hours of community service to their goals.
2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
It's an iron bed. Thin rods, rust-colored. Each of the four posts is capped by a pineapple — the symbol for welcoming. The bed has a sense of fragility and strength, all at the same time.
I never told Amy this, but it was important for me, when we were shopping for this bed, that the bed's design lend itself to the possibility of one or the other of us being tied to it.
For years, it was a big issue for me that we not have one side that we always sleep on. An attempt, I suppose, to avoid yet another rut in a relationship. Many nights, when Amy would come to bed, she would find me sleeping on a side of the bed she had normally been sleeping on. She would wordlessly move to the other side. She probably found my need to do this amusing. But since having children, Amy has always slept on the side closest to the kid's rooms. It's a holdover from when she regularly got up to nurse a child.
Often, when Amy comes to bed, she'll find me on her side; as soon as she's ready to get in, I move over. This warms up the sheets for her. Recently, I noticed that she's started doing the same for me on nights when she gets into bed first. That's just too goddamned precious for words, isn't it? And yet I still made you read it. I can be an asshole that way sometimes.
3. How important is a partners kissing ability?
Dreadfully important. Tragically important. The kissing ability of a partner to effectively use — I'm sorry, to communicate with — the lips, tongue, and teeth is directly related to ... well ... everything that leads after. Especially oral sex. And I think I've made my views on the importance of that pretty clear in the past. In the very recent past, as a matter of fact. Like, two questions ago.
I can think of two occasions where I kissed women whose return kiss was ... thin, hesitant, passive, underwhelming. It spoke to their confidence. Now, nothing says they couldn't be brought along to higher level of confidence. But in at least one case, I wasn't really interested enough to be a ... what? Mentor? I guess that's the word, though it sounds too insanely egomaniacal to write it. Hopefully you know what I mean. In the case of the second woman, she was willing to do anything — anything — but I had to be the total lead on everything we did. And that was getting old fast. The whole dom-sub thing is arousing and a nice place to visit, but I ain't living there.
4. Have you ever purposely tried to seduce someone over a long period of time?
*Sigh*
Clearly, if you have to ask, it's not working. So fuck it.
5. Top or bottom?
Oh, no question: Remove your top first. I really must see them. Right now.
I probably naturally incline myself toward being a top (to the extent that any domination stuff is going on), but that's more because I'm the one with all the fantasies and ideas for what I want to do. Amy is an enthusiastic partner, but only occasionally pushes me into more of a bottom position. I wish she'd do it more, but it's not such a big deal that I need to have a "serious talk" with her about it. It's come up before, it's been mentioned. It'll happen if it happens.
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
The twig and the stones are bare. The area around is kept neat. Having my balls laved is one of my all-time favorite experiences, so anything I can do to encourage such activity is done. Amy seems to appreciate it.
1. What is your favorite charity? Do you you give your time or just money to that charity?
I've always been a huge fan of the work of the Organization for the Research of Genital Arousal for Sensual Mastery. This not-for-profit has two major goals: to alleviate the root causes of dissatisfaction in the supine, open and obedient, helping their purses swell with the bounty of flowing goodness; and to share lessons learned around the world from those who have also knelt at the altar and spoken in tongues. The group brings the benefits of modern technology to those most in need of climactic occurrences in their otherwise seemingly barren lives.
I have very little money to give to them, but I believe in their cause so much that I have devoted literally hundreds of hours of community service to their goals.
2. Describe your bed. What side do you sleep on?
It's an iron bed. Thin rods, rust-colored. Each of the four posts is capped by a pineapple — the symbol for welcoming. The bed has a sense of fragility and strength, all at the same time.
I never told Amy this, but it was important for me, when we were shopping for this bed, that the bed's design lend itself to the possibility of one or the other of us being tied to it.
For years, it was a big issue for me that we not have one side that we always sleep on. An attempt, I suppose, to avoid yet another rut in a relationship. Many nights, when Amy would come to bed, she would find me sleeping on a side of the bed she had normally been sleeping on. She would wordlessly move to the other side. She probably found my need to do this amusing. But since having children, Amy has always slept on the side closest to the kid's rooms. It's a holdover from when she regularly got up to nurse a child.
Often, when Amy comes to bed, she'll find me on her side; as soon as she's ready to get in, I move over. This warms up the sheets for her. Recently, I noticed that she's started doing the same for me on nights when she gets into bed first. That's just too goddamned precious for words, isn't it? And yet I still made you read it. I can be an asshole that way sometimes.
3. How important is a partners kissing ability?
Dreadfully important. Tragically important. The kissing ability of a partner to effectively use — I'm sorry, to communicate with — the lips, tongue, and teeth is directly related to ... well ... everything that leads after. Especially oral sex. And I think I've made my views on the importance of that pretty clear in the past. In the very recent past, as a matter of fact. Like, two questions ago.
I can think of two occasions where I kissed women whose return kiss was ... thin, hesitant, passive, underwhelming. It spoke to their confidence. Now, nothing says they couldn't be brought along to higher level of confidence. But in at least one case, I wasn't really interested enough to be a ... what? Mentor? I guess that's the word, though it sounds too insanely egomaniacal to write it. Hopefully you know what I mean. In the case of the second woman, she was willing to do anything — anything — but I had to be the total lead on everything we did. And that was getting old fast. The whole dom-sub thing is arousing and a nice place to visit, but I ain't living there.
4. Have you ever purposely tried to seduce someone over a long period of time?
*Sigh*
Clearly, if you have to ask, it's not working. So fuck it.
5. Top or bottom?
Oh, no question: Remove your top first. I really must see them. Right now.
I probably naturally incline myself toward being a top (to the extent that any domination stuff is going on), but that's more because I'm the one with all the fantasies and ideas for what I want to do. Amy is an enthusiastic partner, but only occasionally pushes me into more of a bottom position. I wish she'd do it more, but it's not such a big deal that I need to have a "serious talk" with her about it. It's come up before, it's been mentioned. It'll happen if it happens.
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
The twig and the stones are bare. The area around is kept neat. Having my balls laved is one of my all-time favorite experiences, so anything I can do to encourage such activity is done. Amy seems to appreciate it.
27 February 2007
TMI Tuesday #7: "Linger" Lost
I almost bailed on the TMI Tuesday meme in favor of Wet Wednesday. I've been disappointed in TMI Tuesday's quality of questions. But they got a reprieve this week ... I was actually able to work with these questions. So, thanks, TMI, for stepping it up a little bit.
1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?
I love the way going commando feels. No true commando story, but occasionally on a weekend, Amy would discovered much to her surprise (why was she always surprised?) that I wasn't wearing underwear. (I've also occasionally discovered that she had no underwear on, but it's rare and usually only happens when, say, the panties load is in the washer.) There's a whole "porn star" aspect to going commando: So many male porn stars prove when they disrobe that they have dispensed with the totally unnecessary underwear. Their cocks pop right out, waiting to be serviced.
Sometimes I do it because I like the way it feels, but sometimes I don't wear underwear in hopes that the discovery will start something. The truth is, that never happens. Since I do this on the weekends, that's a time of the week usually fraught with pressure of trying to accomplish everything in our home life that we were too busy or tired to handle during the week. This was hard before we had kids. Now, with weekly classes or activities scheduled on Saturdays, the idea of sexual spontaneity is almost impossible to imagine.
There's a deep-seeded fear I have of going commando, courtesy an old episode of The Rockford Files. Jim is attending (or, more likely, crashing) a high-class suarée when masked gunmen break in and rob the guests of their money and valuable jewelry. Rather than demanding the male party-goers hand over their wallets, the robbers tell them to remove their pants. All trousers are collected, accomplishing two goals: The wallets are stolen, and any party-goer who is feeling heroic is less likely to pursue the robbers when he is pantsless.
Of course, every single male at the party is wearing underwear. In fact, every one of them is wearing boxers. Much less revealing, pretty much just like wearing a thin pair of shorts. (Remember those ten minutes or so in the 1980s, when some women wore men's boxers as their outerwear?) Even when I was 13, this seemed odd to me. Not one pair of BVDs in the group? Was this a status thing?
Anyway, whenever I pull my jeans up over my bare ass, carefully zipping up to make sure not to catch skin, this Rockford Files ep pops into my head. And I wonder: Is today the day that someone walks up to me on the street, pushes a muzzle into my ribcage, and demands my pants? Not that it stops me. But it does give me pause for thought.
2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?
Considering I was in a relationship (in college) in which there was nothing but foreplay for two years — and I loved it — I'd have to say: Never enough. Though I think Amy feels differently. She gets edgy after we start down the road to Orgasmville. She's totally impatient. She wants me to cut to the chase — or even the end of the chase — a.s.a.p.
Nothing would make me happier than Amy and I having a day where, from the moment we woke up, she told me, "You are spending the day with your face in my cunt." I wouldn't need more than that for quite some time.
3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?
Good if it is happening. And happening slowly. Luxuriously. With a sense that the giver is savoring the moment. When Amy gave me the coupon for a "mind-blowing blowjob," this is what I envisioned. One where she really makes a big-ass deal out of how great it is to suck my cock. Where she makes lots of eye contact. Moans. Whispers. Drools on it. Where her tongue plays with my balls ... endlessly. No goal of orgasm for some time ... Just letting arousal build and build.
This would be truly special. Most times — due to time constraints, or exhaustion, or a desire on her part to get to the fucking, or just other things on her mind — the blowjobs can be rushed. And the truth is, her mindset has invaded mine to some extent such that more often than not, my own time spent going down on her is similarly rushed. The concept of the lingering, unrushed orgasm, sadly, has slipped out of our grasp. Maybe a day will come when it can be found again.
4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough, or does the first one just get your motor running?
I don't get to find out very often. Amy is usually sleepy or moving on to something else after one. Not since the early days of our relationship has she been interested in having several sessions / orgasms in a row. I think this speaks to the level of interest she has in sex in general. She got hers, and now she either wants to get to sleep (if it's late) or get back to doing something around the house (in the middle of the day).
Amy rarely relaxes. I consider it one of my major goals in this marriage to help her find more ways for her to let go and kick back.
5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."
It's another time of the day when, from the moment she wakes up, Amy's head is not in the sex game. The times that we've had morning sex are the (all too rare) times when she has woken up without a child already present or without the pressure of a mental pages-long to-do list. I suppose one person in the relationship needs to be responsible, right? Probably an okay trade-off for not having morning sex.
I know, I know: Who the hell am I kidding?
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?
I've never done either of these things. Not that it wouldn't be fun to try someday. Actually, what would really interest me is watching some anonymous stranger having sex with Amy. That would be most enjoyable.
1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?
I love the way going commando feels. No true commando story, but occasionally on a weekend, Amy would discovered much to her surprise (why was she always surprised?) that I wasn't wearing underwear. (I've also occasionally discovered that she had no underwear on, but it's rare and usually only happens when, say, the panties load is in the washer.) There's a whole "porn star" aspect to going commando: So many male porn stars prove when they disrobe that they have dispensed with the totally unnecessary underwear. Their cocks pop right out, waiting to be serviced.
Sometimes I do it because I like the way it feels, but sometimes I don't wear underwear in hopes that the discovery will start something. The truth is, that never happens. Since I do this on the weekends, that's a time of the week usually fraught with pressure of trying to accomplish everything in our home life that we were too busy or tired to handle during the week. This was hard before we had kids. Now, with weekly classes or activities scheduled on Saturdays, the idea of sexual spontaneity is almost impossible to imagine.
There's a deep-seeded fear I have of going commando, courtesy an old episode of The Rockford Files. Jim is attending (or, more likely, crashing) a high-class suarée when masked gunmen break in and rob the guests of their money and valuable jewelry. Rather than demanding the male party-goers hand over their wallets, the robbers tell them to remove their pants. All trousers are collected, accomplishing two goals: The wallets are stolen, and any party-goer who is feeling heroic is less likely to pursue the robbers when he is pantsless.
Of course, every single male at the party is wearing underwear. In fact, every one of them is wearing boxers. Much less revealing, pretty much just like wearing a thin pair of shorts. (Remember those ten minutes or so in the 1980s, when some women wore men's boxers as their outerwear?) Even when I was 13, this seemed odd to me. Not one pair of BVDs in the group? Was this a status thing?
Anyway, whenever I pull my jeans up over my bare ass, carefully zipping up to make sure not to catch skin, this Rockford Files ep pops into my head. And I wonder: Is today the day that someone walks up to me on the street, pushes a muzzle into my ribcage, and demands my pants? Not that it stops me. But it does give me pause for thought.
2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?
Considering I was in a relationship (in college) in which there was nothing but foreplay for two years — and I loved it — I'd have to say: Never enough. Though I think Amy feels differently. She gets edgy after we start down the road to Orgasmville. She's totally impatient. She wants me to cut to the chase — or even the end of the chase — a.s.a.p.
Nothing would make me happier than Amy and I having a day where, from the moment we woke up, she told me, "You are spending the day with your face in my cunt." I wouldn't need more than that for quite some time.
3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?
Good if it is happening. And happening slowly. Luxuriously. With a sense that the giver is savoring the moment. When Amy gave me the coupon for a "mind-blowing blowjob," this is what I envisioned. One where she really makes a big-ass deal out of how great it is to suck my cock. Where she makes lots of eye contact. Moans. Whispers. Drools on it. Where her tongue plays with my balls ... endlessly. No goal of orgasm for some time ... Just letting arousal build and build.
This would be truly special. Most times — due to time constraints, or exhaustion, or a desire on her part to get to the fucking, or just other things on her mind — the blowjobs can be rushed. And the truth is, her mindset has invaded mine to some extent such that more often than not, my own time spent going down on her is similarly rushed. The concept of the lingering, unrushed orgasm, sadly, has slipped out of our grasp. Maybe a day will come when it can be found again.
4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough, or does the first one just get your motor running?
I don't get to find out very often. Amy is usually sleepy or moving on to something else after one. Not since the early days of our relationship has she been interested in having several sessions / orgasms in a row. I think this speaks to the level of interest she has in sex in general. She got hers, and now she either wants to get to sleep (if it's late) or get back to doing something around the house (in the middle of the day).
Amy rarely relaxes. I consider it one of my major goals in this marriage to help her find more ways for her to let go and kick back.
5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."
It's another time of the day when, from the moment she wakes up, Amy's head is not in the sex game. The times that we've had morning sex are the (all too rare) times when she has woken up without a child already present or without the pressure of a mental pages-long to-do list. I suppose one person in the relationship needs to be responsible, right? Probably an okay trade-off for not having morning sex.
I know, I know: Who the hell am I kidding?
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?
I've never done either of these things. Not that it wouldn't be fun to try someday. Actually, what would really interest me is watching some anonymous stranger having sex with Amy. That would be most enjoyable.
20 February 2007
TMI Tuesday #6: The Truth About (Most) Bloggers
If you want to play along with the TMI Tuesday meme, head on over to tmituesday.blogspot.com. And while you're there, tell 'em to come up with some better questions! I mean, Mike Tyson? Come on!
1. Would you rather be famous now & forgotten after you die or forgotten now & famous after you die, forever? & Why?
Look at it this way: I have a blog. (Actually, more than one.) Blogs are not the most permanent form of recording one's life experiences and thoughts. I would wager that most bloggers want a certain amount of fame. We'd all just be writing in diaries otherwise, right? By simply having a blog, I've already established that fame (which becomes less and less important as I get older) would be better served up sooner rather than later.
2. Would you rather give blood or read Hamlet? Why?
I never give blood without having something to read (and try to talk them into turning off the ever-present television when I'm there). I would probably kill two birds with one trip and read The Danish Play while the leeches did their work ... and get free cookies, crackers and juice!
What? I have to choose. Fine, then. I'd give blood. I've read Hamlet, and while it's amazing, it would take an unusual set of circumstances to lead a reading of Hamlet to save three lives.
3. Would you rather be extravagantly rich but hated by others, or well-loved and admired, but dirt poor? Why?
Again: I have a blog. I know that part of the reason for sharing what I share here is to work through my issues about sex and my sexual relationship with my wife. But if I'm honest with myself — and if most bloggers are honest with themselves — one reason for a blog is the desire for acceptance, or love, from one's peers. I'll take dirt-poor and loved, thanks.
4. Would you rather be imprisoned for the rest of your life or kill someone? Why?
Oooh. A toughie. I am vain enough to actually consider staying out of prison in exchange for taking someone's life. That says more about me than anything else I've written here. (For the record, I don't think most bloggers would kill someone.)
But in the end, I don't think I could bring myself to kill someone. Looks like I should prepare to be someone's bitch.
5. Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him? Why?
I'll take the fight. I'm not sure how much damage he can do to me when I'm curled up in a pathetic, whimpering ball in the middle of the ring. The ref would stop the fight before all my ribs were broken. And the whole time I was healing, I'd be thinking to myself: "Yeah, everyone who saw the fight knows I'm a pansy now ... but at least I don't talk like Mike Tyson!"
1. Would you rather be famous now & forgotten after you die or forgotten now & famous after you die, forever? & Why?
Look at it this way: I have a blog. (Actually, more than one.) Blogs are not the most permanent form of recording one's life experiences and thoughts. I would wager that most bloggers want a certain amount of fame. We'd all just be writing in diaries otherwise, right? By simply having a blog, I've already established that fame (which becomes less and less important as I get older) would be better served up sooner rather than later.
2. Would you rather give blood or read Hamlet? Why?
I never give blood without having something to read (and try to talk them into turning off the ever-present television when I'm there). I would probably kill two birds with one trip and read The Danish Play while the leeches did their work ... and get free cookies, crackers and juice!
What? I have to choose. Fine, then. I'd give blood. I've read Hamlet, and while it's amazing, it would take an unusual set of circumstances to lead a reading of Hamlet to save three lives.
3. Would you rather be extravagantly rich but hated by others, or well-loved and admired, but dirt poor? Why?
Again: I have a blog. I know that part of the reason for sharing what I share here is to work through my issues about sex and my sexual relationship with my wife. But if I'm honest with myself — and if most bloggers are honest with themselves — one reason for a blog is the desire for acceptance, or love, from one's peers. I'll take dirt-poor and loved, thanks.
4. Would you rather be imprisoned for the rest of your life or kill someone? Why?
Oooh. A toughie. I am vain enough to actually consider staying out of prison in exchange for taking someone's life. That says more about me than anything else I've written here. (For the record, I don't think most bloggers would kill someone.)
But in the end, I don't think I could bring myself to kill someone. Looks like I should prepare to be someone's bitch.
5. Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or talk like him? Why?
I'll take the fight. I'm not sure how much damage he can do to me when I'm curled up in a pathetic, whimpering ball in the middle of the ring. The ref would stop the fight before all my ribs were broken. And the whole time I was healing, I'd be thinking to myself: "Yeah, everyone who saw the fight knows I'm a pansy now ... but at least I don't talk like Mike Tyson!"
13 February 2007
TMI Tuesday #5: Now with Protection Against Athlete's Foot
It's a tough TMI Tuesday for me this week. I am just snowed under with work, and though I have a billion posts lined up and waiting for the kind attention of my muse, I'm afraid that The Real World must come first. And no, that does not mean that I have prioritized a shallow MTV reality show ahead of my blog.
Also, this is one of those weeks that the TMI questions show how dreadfully dull my life is, based on the amount of this one that is total b.s.
1. Have you had sex with another person in 2007?
You mean, besides you? No. You're the only person I've fucked this year. How can you know for sure? You'll just have to trust me.
Have you passed on an opportunity to sex with another person in 2007.
Oh, honey. Where to begin? Let me just put it this way.
2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
Well, not so much a funny thing I did, as a funny thing that was done to me: This woman I was seeing for awhile had a sadistic kitten. We had mutual hate for each other, the cat and I. One night, While girlfriend and I were furiously fucking on the floor (it was as arousing as it was alliterative), the beast took a flying leap off of her bed ... right onto my back. Needless to say, the party broke up.
3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
I notice her blood iron levels. And then her cuticles.
4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Ever used? Ever been used on you?
I can remember my favorite response to a bad pickup line:
And the most effective pickup line a woman has ever used on me to get me into bed: "Hi."
5. Where is the most unique place you have ever had sex?
In my wife's ass.
(Oh, come on. You had to see that one coming. It's not even original!)
Bonus: Do you pee in the shower?
Yes. And some would say that I'm in the minority, but I think a lot of people lie about this. After all, for awhile there, peeing in the shower was de rigeur. Have we all forgotten Madonna's storied visit to the studios of David Letterman several years ago? Allow me to reacquaint you (I'm not making this one up):
I was really hoping we'd keep this between us.
Has any SO peed in the shower?
Perhaps, but I'm betting most of them are part of the 58% that are too demure about it to come clean. So to speak.
Also, this is one of those weeks that the TMI questions show how dreadfully dull my life is, based on the amount of this one that is total b.s.
1. Have you had sex with another person in 2007?
You mean, besides you? No. You're the only person I've fucked this year. How can you know for sure? You'll just have to trust me.
Have you passed on an opportunity to sex with another person in 2007.
Oh, honey. Where to begin? Let me just put it this way.
- There's a reason Britney Spears was boozing it up with Paris Hilton, and it has nothing to do with her sorry-ass husband. And the no-panties thing? A pathetic attempt to show me what I'm missing.
- There's a reason Pamela and Kid Rock only lasted four months (this time), and it has nothing to do with "irreconcilable differences." Unless that's her new pet name for me.
- There's a reason Angelina suddenly up-and-moved to New Orleans with her hubby, and it has nothing to do with how much she allegedly loves The Big Easy.
2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
Well, not so much a funny thing I did, as a funny thing that was done to me: This woman I was seeing for awhile had a sadistic kitten. We had mutual hate for each other, the cat and I. One night, While girlfriend and I were furiously fucking on the floor (it was as arousing as it was alliterative), the beast took a flying leap off of her bed ... right onto my back. Needless to say, the party broke up.
3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
I notice her blood iron levels. And then her cuticles.
4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Ever used? Ever been used on you?
I can remember my favorite response to a bad pickup line:
Him: How do you like your eggs in the morning?I don't believe I've ever knowingly used a pickup line myself.
Her: Unfertilized.
And the most effective pickup line a woman has ever used on me to get me into bed: "Hi."
5. Where is the most unique place you have ever had sex?
In my wife's ass.
(Oh, come on. You had to see that one coming. It's not even original!)
Bonus: Do you pee in the shower?
Yes. And some would say that I'm in the minority, but I think a lot of people lie about this. After all, for awhile there, peeing in the shower was de rigeur. Have we all forgotten Madonna's storied visit to the studios of David Letterman several years ago? Allow me to reacquaint you (I'm not making this one up):
Madonna: Did you know that it's good if you pee in the shower?If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower?
Dave: I'm sorry?
Madonna: I'm serious! [crowd reacts uncomfortably] No, seriously, peeing in the shower is really good. It ... it fights, um, um, athlete's foot. I'm serious, no, urine is like, is like ... is like an antiseptic. It's all got to do with the enzymes in your body.
Dave: Don't ... don't you know a good pharmacist? [laughter]
Madonna: Ummm ...
Dave: Get yourself some Desenex! Or whatever that stuff is.
Madonna: I wanted to share something that I knew with you.
Dave: Okay, well, thank you very much. Ah, I going to try to wrap this up.
I was really hoping we'd keep this between us.
Has any SO peed in the shower?
Perhaps, but I'm betting most of them are part of the 58% that are too demure about it to come clean. So to speak.
06 February 2007
TMI Tuesday #4: Suspicious Minds
Come join the fun sometime. It's better than a sausage wrapped in a pancake and stuck on a stick. Unless you've got something to hide. Which I don't. Really.
1. Have you ever had sex in a friend's house/apartment/car/whatever... but not with that friend? Does your friend know?
I've never done this. Why? Should I? Is it totally worth it? Do I add it to my "wild card coupons" fantasies? Christ almighty, this is gonna keep me awake at night, trying to figure out how this scenario would be arousing.
I can tell you that I've DEFINITELY had sex with someone else other than my friend ... in my friend's mind. I don't know if it was hot. I'll have to ask him.
2. Have you ever sat at your computer naked?
Well ... um ... yeah. Why do you ask? Is that unusual? Titillating? Am I a freak? Is it surprising? Or are you looking for a cool story about that? Well, let me try one and we'll see:
Hey, this reminds me of this one time I was sitting at my computer ... naked! While I sat there, I answered some email. I got one with the subject line "Hey, neighbor!" and I opened it, and it was a link to a porn site that involved sex with people who dress up like Barney Fife. (Which was kind of arousing, though I always thought of Don Knotts as a bit of a limp fish.) And then I paid a couple of bills online, and went to bed. When I got up, I got that kind of "ripping" sound when my skin peeled away from the leather upholstery on the chair.
So. How's that working for you? Yeah, me neither.
3. If you are sure you WOULD get caught, is there anyone (known personally, celebrity, fictional character) you'd cheat with?
Wait, why would I want to get caught? Would my wife think that was hot? Or are you suggesting she'd be laughing because that celebrity was wayyyyy out of my league? Are you saying you don't think I'm good enough for Connie Britton?
Yes, you heard me right. I want to screw her so hard she's seeing Friday night lights. Why Connie? 'Cause my wife would walk in on us ... and say it was justified. And she'd be right. Free pass right there, buddy.
4. Have you ever photocopied a body part?
Hands. Face. Uvula. That's it. I'd heard too many horror stories about copier glass breaking to get more lewd than that.
5. Just how rigid are your standards: Is there anyone out there (say, a celebrity), that you'd do, just to say you scored? (We aren't talking a dreamy celebrity i.e. Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston; we are talking Mick Jagger, Dick Cheney, or the Queen of England.)
Again with the celebrity thing. Does this really turn you on? Are you sitting around imagining me doing Crispin Glover? Nancy Pelosi? Mandy Moore? Matt LeBlanc? Monica Lewinsky? You're just trying to catch me in the act, aren't you? You want to watch! You. Sick. Perv.
But to answer your question: If my "standard" is "rigid," it sounds like I already want to do the celebrity. Still, a boy has his limits: I draw the line at Rummy.
6. Have you ever contacted a “lost love” years later?
I've stayed in touch with most of my lost loves. I'm on good terms with all of them.
Why? Did one of them say something to you? Which one? I bet it was that bitch Carole. Oh sure, I was friendly when I found her myspace page, but I didn't believe for a punch-drunk second that she was glad to hear from me. Some people just can't let go, can they? One little time that I misunderstand her and she never forgives me. I can still hear her screeching. "I said in my rear, you idiot!" Fine, fine, whatever. I even paid for the audiologist's bills. What more do you want, Carole?!
7. What was the worst thing your SO ever caught you doing?
Amy has caught me jacking off so many times we couldn't possibly count. You'd think I want to get caught, but actually, masturbation for me is a pretty private thing. Unless, of course, it's part of a session of sex play. But I'm talking about times where she's walked in on me. If I started solo, chances are I meant to finish that way.
What was the worst thing your parents ever caught you doing?
Same answer. Dad caught me jacking off once. He acted like he hadn't seen anything. Backed out of the room. It was like it had never happened. Like I'd told him to look directly at the red light.
Did you ever do either of those things again?
I have never, ever, ever masturbated again.
Unless you count every day of my life since the age of 12. But let's not get caught up in technicalities.
8. What is the shortest period of time you've ever gone between sex with two different sexual partners in separate sessions (that means threesomes don't count unless they are separate threesomes)?
I've never juggled like that, never had more than one thing going at a time. The closest I can come is the time I was in a spontaneous 69 with an ex-girlfriend on the floor of my apartment, and the phone rang. I let it go to the machine (I'm not an idiot!), and it was this woman from work with whom I'd made a date that night. I had completely forgotten about it. But phone woman and I didn't have sex for another couple of weeks.
9. Besides the usual (lingerie, sexy shoes, etc.), what's the sexiest thing your SO can wear?
One of my work shirts. (Yes! Denis proves yet again he is a walking, talking, ejaculating cliché!)
10. Have you ever masturbated with a household object (other than a sex toy)? If so, what?
Why do you want to know? Did someone tell you something? It was our cleaning woman, wasn't it? She found the cardboard toilet paper tubes covered in petroleum jelly, right? Dammit, that's not fair. That was totally an experiment based on something I saw on the Internet. It didn't even arouse me that much.
In all seriousness ... There aren't a lot of really good objets de ménage for a boy to use. Or maybe I'm just not feeling creative enough when I need to get off to stop and wonder if I should try, say, sticking my dick in that vice grip downstairs. My guess is that women have more interesting answers to this one than I could possibly provide.
1. Have you ever had sex in a friend's house/apartment/car/whatever... but not with that friend? Does your friend know?
I've never done this. Why? Should I? Is it totally worth it? Do I add it to my "wild card coupons" fantasies? Christ almighty, this is gonna keep me awake at night, trying to figure out how this scenario would be arousing.
I can tell you that I've DEFINITELY had sex with someone else other than my friend ... in my friend's mind. I don't know if it was hot. I'll have to ask him.
2. Have you ever sat at your computer naked?
Well ... um ... yeah. Why do you ask? Is that unusual? Titillating? Am I a freak? Is it surprising? Or are you looking for a cool story about that? Well, let me try one and we'll see:
Hey, this reminds me of this one time I was sitting at my computer ... naked! While I sat there, I answered some email. I got one with the subject line "Hey, neighbor!" and I opened it, and it was a link to a porn site that involved sex with people who dress up like Barney Fife. (Which was kind of arousing, though I always thought of Don Knotts as a bit of a limp fish.) And then I paid a couple of bills online, and went to bed. When I got up, I got that kind of "ripping" sound when my skin peeled away from the leather upholstery on the chair.
So. How's that working for you? Yeah, me neither.
3. If you are sure you WOULD get caught, is there anyone (known personally, celebrity, fictional character) you'd cheat with?
Wait, why would I want to get caught? Would my wife think that was hot? Or are you suggesting she'd be laughing because that celebrity was wayyyyy out of my league? Are you saying you don't think I'm good enough for Connie Britton?
Yes, you heard me right. I want to screw her so hard she's seeing Friday night lights. Why Connie? 'Cause my wife would walk in on us ... and say it was justified. And she'd be right. Free pass right there, buddy.
4. Have you ever photocopied a body part?
Hands. Face. Uvula. That's it. I'd heard too many horror stories about copier glass breaking to get more lewd than that.
5. Just how rigid are your standards: Is there anyone out there (say, a celebrity), that you'd do, just to say you scored? (We aren't talking a dreamy celebrity i.e. Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston; we are talking Mick Jagger, Dick Cheney, or the Queen of England.)
Again with the celebrity thing. Does this really turn you on? Are you sitting around imagining me doing Crispin Glover? Nancy Pelosi? Mandy Moore? Matt LeBlanc? Monica Lewinsky? You're just trying to catch me in the act, aren't you? You want to watch! You. Sick. Perv.
But to answer your question: If my "standard" is "rigid," it sounds like I already want to do the celebrity. Still, a boy has his limits: I draw the line at Rummy.
6. Have you ever contacted a “lost love” years later?
I've stayed in touch with most of my lost loves. I'm on good terms with all of them.
Why? Did one of them say something to you? Which one? I bet it was that bitch Carole. Oh sure, I was friendly when I found her myspace page, but I didn't believe for a punch-drunk second that she was glad to hear from me. Some people just can't let go, can they? One little time that I misunderstand her and she never forgives me. I can still hear her screeching. "I said in my rear, you idiot!" Fine, fine, whatever. I even paid for the audiologist's bills. What more do you want, Carole?!
7. What was the worst thing your SO ever caught you doing?
Amy has caught me jacking off so many times we couldn't possibly count. You'd think I want to get caught, but actually, masturbation for me is a pretty private thing. Unless, of course, it's part of a session of sex play. But I'm talking about times where she's walked in on me. If I started solo, chances are I meant to finish that way.
What was the worst thing your parents ever caught you doing?
Same answer. Dad caught me jacking off once. He acted like he hadn't seen anything. Backed out of the room. It was like it had never happened. Like I'd told him to look directly at the red light.
Did you ever do either of those things again?
I have never, ever, ever masturbated again.
Unless you count every day of my life since the age of 12. But let's not get caught up in technicalities.
8. What is the shortest period of time you've ever gone between sex with two different sexual partners in separate sessions (that means threesomes don't count unless they are separate threesomes)?
I've never juggled like that, never had more than one thing going at a time. The closest I can come is the time I was in a spontaneous 69 with an ex-girlfriend on the floor of my apartment, and the phone rang. I let it go to the machine (I'm not an idiot!), and it was this woman from work with whom I'd made a date that night. I had completely forgotten about it. But phone woman and I didn't have sex for another couple of weeks.
9. Besides the usual (lingerie, sexy shoes, etc.), what's the sexiest thing your SO can wear?
One of my work shirts. (Yes! Denis proves yet again he is a walking, talking, ejaculating cliché!)
10. Have you ever masturbated with a household object (other than a sex toy)? If so, what?
Why do you want to know? Did someone tell you something? It was our cleaning woman, wasn't it? She found the cardboard toilet paper tubes covered in petroleum jelly, right? Dammit, that's not fair. That was totally an experiment based on something I saw on the Internet. It didn't even arouse me that much.
In all seriousness ... There aren't a lot of really good objets de ménage for a boy to use. Or maybe I'm just not feeling creative enough when I need to get off to stop and wonder if I should try, say, sticking my dick in that vice grip downstairs. My guess is that women have more interesting answers to this one than I could possibly provide.
30 January 2007
TMI Tuesday #3: Putting On My "Depends"
I don't just suck at unequivocation ... I swallow. Case in point: This week's TMI Tuesday responses.
1. Do you think people in general are too forgiving of or too harsh on promiscuous women? Promiscuous men?
I think I will often answer TMI Tuesday questions with "It depends." In this case, the X factor is the community that these promiscuous individuals (promiscuosities?) move through. In the community that you ("Dear Reader") are currently residing, promiscuity is, by and large, accepted ... in many cases even applauded. Slutty behavior makes for better blog entries, right? Meanwhile, in Conservativeville, USA, promiscuity, while probably no less rampant, is a means to castigation.
How do you define "promiscuous?" The lead definition at Answers.com is: "Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners." But I think a lot of people consider promiscuity something more along the lines of cheating on someone. "Why did they break up?" "Well, she was promiscuous." The assumption there being that she was sleeping around on her partner against his wishes. But what if she's doing so with his knowledge, née his approval? She's still promiscuous, but the promiscuity is acceptable within the community of their partnership. Nothing to forgive, nothing to punish.
Unless she asks for punishment ... and takes it bent over like the naughty girl that she is.
I'm sorry, did I get distracted again? I'm avoiding a true answer to the question.
The general answer here is that societies are more harsh on women than men when it comes to promiscuity. Whether punishment or praise is appropriate for sluts (male or female), one would hope that the treatment would be meted out equally. But we're a long way from equality in so many places in this society; why would this dark corner be any different?
Yes, this is my grand take on gender equality: Women won't be truly equal until they can fuck around just as much as men! Now, if I can work that into an "I have a dream"-style speech, I can become the hero of the sex blogosphere.
2. Suppose you've been dating someone for a year, and they're slowly getting fat. Does this romance have long-term potential?
That depends, doesn't it?
Do I love her for more than her physique? If so, then the weight is going to matter far less.
Is her weight gain making her a more unhappy person? If it is, and if she's not going to actually take steps to improve her self-esteem, there will be some troubling signposts ahead.
Am I also putting on weight too? If I'm an average American, I probably am getting heavier by virtue of aging.
If the increased weight makes the sound of my hips slapping against her ass more deeply resonant, am I going to complain? I don't believe so. Provided the weight gain doesn't curtail the interest in intimacy of either party, I think the relationship will continue to flourish.
3. If you have five VERY successful dates with someone, are you a couple?
That depends ... on which psychological hang-up you have. Are you a hopelessly starry-eyed buffoon who absently scribbles your first name with his last name on your telephone doodle pad, when all he did was hold a door open for you? Or are you the kind who, after a decade together, flips out when he suggests you leave a toothbrush over at his place, demanding to "just fucking take it slowly, okay?!"
Me? I was the buffoon. We were usually a couple after one. I fell hard and fast. Not unlike my sexual performance at that age.
But seriously, in this day: If you're actually able to have five "VERY successful" dates, you are a complete and utter idiot to not be a couple.
4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
Wait a minute: That phrase is referring to my toes? Criminy. That explains why every time I get Amy close to climax, she starts screaming at me to "Leave my fucking toes alone -- it hurts when you bend them back to my ankles!"
Thank God I've got this blog to help me learn where I've gone wrong.
5. Can great sex be reason enough to stay in a relationship? (What about just okay sex?)
That depends. Where does the couple want the relationship to go? Plenty of "friends with benefits" setups can last a long, long time. (Sometimes they continue even after the parties involved have started new relationships with others.) But it is our nature for our needs in life to change over time -- and rarely do two people's needs change in consort. When a relationship is based on one element, and that element gets out of sync, you'd better have something else to fall back on.
While I know people who have had long-term relationships based pretty much on the sex, I've never maintained one myself. The relationship that probably falls best into this category lasted about three months (the sex was quite grand) ... but I found so many other things about her to be incompatible with me that I had to end it. Later, we had a FWB arrangement for awhile, and that was actually working much better ... until I fell in love with her best friend.
1. Do you think people in general are too forgiving of or too harsh on promiscuous women? Promiscuous men?
I think I will often answer TMI Tuesday questions with "It depends." In this case, the X factor is the community that these promiscuous individuals (promiscuosities?) move through. In the community that you ("Dear Reader") are currently residing, promiscuity is, by and large, accepted ... in many cases even applauded. Slutty behavior makes for better blog entries, right? Meanwhile, in Conservativeville, USA, promiscuity, while probably no less rampant, is a means to castigation.
How do you define "promiscuous?" The lead definition at Answers.com is: "Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners." But I think a lot of people consider promiscuity something more along the lines of cheating on someone. "Why did they break up?" "Well, she was promiscuous." The assumption there being that she was sleeping around on her partner against his wishes. But what if she's doing so with his knowledge, née his approval? She's still promiscuous, but the promiscuity is acceptable within the community of their partnership. Nothing to forgive, nothing to punish.
Unless she asks for punishment ... and takes it bent over like the naughty girl that she is.
I'm sorry, did I get distracted again? I'm avoiding a true answer to the question.
The general answer here is that societies are more harsh on women than men when it comes to promiscuity. Whether punishment or praise is appropriate for sluts (male or female), one would hope that the treatment would be meted out equally. But we're a long way from equality in so many places in this society; why would this dark corner be any different?
Yes, this is my grand take on gender equality: Women won't be truly equal until they can fuck around just as much as men! Now, if I can work that into an "I have a dream"-style speech, I can become the hero of the sex blogosphere.
2. Suppose you've been dating someone for a year, and they're slowly getting fat. Does this romance have long-term potential?
That depends, doesn't it?
Do I love her for more than her physique? If so, then the weight is going to matter far less.
Is her weight gain making her a more unhappy person? If it is, and if she's not going to actually take steps to improve her self-esteem, there will be some troubling signposts ahead.
Am I also putting on weight too? If I'm an average American, I probably am getting heavier by virtue of aging.
If the increased weight makes the sound of my hips slapping against her ass more deeply resonant, am I going to complain? I don't believe so. Provided the weight gain doesn't curtail the interest in intimacy of either party, I think the relationship will continue to flourish.
3. If you have five VERY successful dates with someone, are you a couple?
That depends ... on which psychological hang-up you have. Are you a hopelessly starry-eyed buffoon who absently scribbles your first name with his last name on your telephone doodle pad, when all he did was hold a door open for you? Or are you the kind who, after a decade together, flips out when he suggests you leave a toothbrush over at his place, demanding to "just fucking take it slowly, okay?!"
Me? I was the buffoon. We were usually a couple after one. I fell hard and fast. Not unlike my sexual performance at that age.
But seriously, in this day: If you're actually able to have five "VERY successful" dates, you are a complete and utter idiot to not be a couple.
4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
Wait a minute: That phrase is referring to my toes? Criminy. That explains why every time I get Amy close to climax, she starts screaming at me to "Leave my fucking toes alone -- it hurts when you bend them back to my ankles!"
Thank God I've got this blog to help me learn where I've gone wrong.
5. Can great sex be reason enough to stay in a relationship? (What about just okay sex?)
That depends. Where does the couple want the relationship to go? Plenty of "friends with benefits" setups can last a long, long time. (Sometimes they continue even after the parties involved have started new relationships with others.) But it is our nature for our needs in life to change over time -- and rarely do two people's needs change in consort. When a relationship is based on one element, and that element gets out of sync, you'd better have something else to fall back on.
While I know people who have had long-term relationships based pretty much on the sex, I've never maintained one myself. The relationship that probably falls best into this category lasted about three months (the sex was quite grand) ... but I found so many other things about her to be incompatible with me that I had to end it. Later, we had a FWB arrangement for awhile, and that was actually working much better ... until I fell in love with her best friend.
23 January 2007
TMI Tuesday #2: "Cooking with the Connors"
After a decadent day spent in bed (sorry, I was alone and sleeping -- no good stories for ya), I am recharged and ready to take on the blogosphere! Without further ado ....
1. What is a creampie?
Oh, I'm so glad someone asked. I've been wanting to share a family recipe for the longest time. Carpe diem! Don your aprons, ladies and gents! Time to make a Valentine's Day dessert to impress the most dispassionate lover.
The Connor Creampie
Ingredients:
Directions
1. Disrobe partner in kitchen and place on counter top next (but not too close) to stove.
2. Combine chocolate pieces and milk in a double boiler or heavy small saucepan over simmering water. Stirring constantly, heat over low heat. While stirring, use hands or tongue to tease partner mercilessly. Continue stirring until chocolate is melted and smooth, and partner is either "melted and smooth" or "turgid and hard," depending on gender.
3. Stir in additional milk, 1 tablespoon at a time, until reaching desired consistency. Test by cooling a spoonful, dribbling on partner's nipples, and licking or sucking off. If tongue is coated with mixture and you hear audible moans, mixture is ready.
4. Remove partner and chocolate mixture from heat. Pour chocolate mixture into fondue pot; place over fondue burner set on low on dining room table. Lay partner on dining room table, offering a pillow for increased comfort.
5. With fondue forks, dip fruit, cake cubes and marshmallows into chocolate mixture. Alternately feed partner and yourself. Resist being exceedingly careful when feeding, as any chocolate that drips on partner will be removed with tongue. (Chocolate mixture will hold up to 1 hour on low. If mixture gets too thick, add milk 1 tablespoon at a time. Good luck on you and your partner holding up for that long.)
6. Once food appetites have been sated, arrange partner on table so that you can sit between his/her legs. Cool down a scant spoonful of remaining chocolate and apply to partner's genital area. Gently but passionately remove chocolate with mouth. Be thorough with this step, but make certain that no one orgasms.
(Important: REMOVE FONDUE POT FROM TABLE before continuing with recipe!)
7. Once chocolate has been removed and partner is writhing, arrange oneself so that erect penis can be inserted into vagina. Once penis is inserted, smooth wavelike motions combined with friction-inducing massage of inner walls of vagina should commence.
8. Tenderize partner through any skill at your disposal, including (but not limited to) aerating, mixing, basting, pinching, blending, pressure cooking, searing, coddling, drizzling, folding, stewing, grinding (oh, lots of this), whipping, kneading, mashing, moistening, and marinating. Proper tenderization has been reached when partners are incapable of uttering coherent language and ejaculation of semen into vagina has commenced. Allow dish to rest for short time, still engaged. While resting, elicit exclamations such as "Jesus Christ" and "Holy Mother of God" and "That was fucking unbelievable" into each other's ears.
9. Disengage male and arrange in dining room chair. Arrange female on table, with vagina facing male's face. Butterfly female's legs. Allow male to take in the heady aroma and glorious feast before him.
10. With religious exuberance, male will lick, eat, and mash face into vagina, until such time as vagina has been cleaned of all juices or partners simply can't stand it any longer and need to fuck again.
Yield: 5 (1/4-cup) fondue servings, multiple orgasms, and one creampie.
By the way, I've just created the first recipe ever to use the word "mercilessly." You're welcome.
2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false... why?
Damn. I hate getting heavy after transcribing that recipe. I'm going to say, with some reservation, that this is false. To say that the statement is true assumes that humans are incapable of changing, and that's too depressing a statement to put on humanity. I must, as an article of faith, believe that we are capable of realizing that mistakes we've made are destructive and that we can choose to not go down those dark roads multiple times.
3. Where is the female G spot and how do you find it?
Oh, this one's easy. It's on this web page. Click the link and you've found it.
4. Is there a correlation between shoe size and penis size?
Absolutely. I thought this was common knowledge, but for those few of you who aren't familiar with it, here's the formula:
where "n" is penis size and "k" is shoe size.
5. Can women have wet dreams?
Only when they dream about David Hasselhoff and Shar Pei puppies.
Bonus (as in optional): Take a wild guess, how many calories are in a man's average ejaculation?
Oh God. I knew this a long time ago. It's low. I'll say ... 40 calories.
Party on, Wayne.
1. What is a creampie?
Oh, I'm so glad someone asked. I've been wanting to share a family recipe for the longest time. Carpe diem! Don your aprons, ladies and gents! Time to make a Valentine's Day dessert to impress the most dispassionate lover.
The Connor Creampie
Ingredients:
- 1 11-1/2-oz pkg milk chocolate pieces
- 1/4 C. milk (plus additional)
- Assorted fruits, cut into bite-sized pieces (such as oranges, strawberries [can be left whole], pears, bananas, apples, kiwi fruit)
- Angel-food cake or pound cake, cut into cubes
- Marshmallows
- Two lovers of opposite sex, the male of which has not ejaculated for at least several hours (the longer the better)
Directions
1. Disrobe partner in kitchen and place on counter top next (but not too close) to stove.
2. Combine chocolate pieces and milk in a double boiler or heavy small saucepan over simmering water. Stirring constantly, heat over low heat. While stirring, use hands or tongue to tease partner mercilessly. Continue stirring until chocolate is melted and smooth, and partner is either "melted and smooth" or "turgid and hard," depending on gender.
3. Stir in additional milk, 1 tablespoon at a time, until reaching desired consistency. Test by cooling a spoonful, dribbling on partner's nipples, and licking or sucking off. If tongue is coated with mixture and you hear audible moans, mixture is ready.
4. Remove partner and chocolate mixture from heat. Pour chocolate mixture into fondue pot; place over fondue burner set on low on dining room table. Lay partner on dining room table, offering a pillow for increased comfort.
5. With fondue forks, dip fruit, cake cubes and marshmallows into chocolate mixture. Alternately feed partner and yourself. Resist being exceedingly careful when feeding, as any chocolate that drips on partner will be removed with tongue. (Chocolate mixture will hold up to 1 hour on low. If mixture gets too thick, add milk 1 tablespoon at a time. Good luck on you and your partner holding up for that long.)
6. Once food appetites have been sated, arrange partner on table so that you can sit between his/her legs. Cool down a scant spoonful of remaining chocolate and apply to partner's genital area. Gently but passionately remove chocolate with mouth. Be thorough with this step, but make certain that no one orgasms.
(Important: REMOVE FONDUE POT FROM TABLE before continuing with recipe!)
7. Once chocolate has been removed and partner is writhing, arrange oneself so that erect penis can be inserted into vagina. Once penis is inserted, smooth wavelike motions combined with friction-inducing massage of inner walls of vagina should commence.
8. Tenderize partner through any skill at your disposal, including (but not limited to) aerating, mixing, basting, pinching, blending, pressure cooking, searing, coddling, drizzling, folding, stewing, grinding (oh, lots of this), whipping, kneading, mashing, moistening, and marinating. Proper tenderization has been reached when partners are incapable of uttering coherent language and ejaculation of semen into vagina has commenced. Allow dish to rest for short time, still engaged. While resting, elicit exclamations such as "Jesus Christ" and "Holy Mother of God" and "That was fucking unbelievable" into each other's ears.
9. Disengage male and arrange in dining room chair. Arrange female on table, with vagina facing male's face. Butterfly female's legs. Allow male to take in the heady aroma and glorious feast before him.
10. With religious exuberance, male will lick, eat, and mash face into vagina, until such time as vagina has been cleaned of all juices or partners simply can't stand it any longer and need to fuck again.
Yield: 5 (1/4-cup) fondue servings, multiple orgasms, and one creampie.
By the way, I've just created the first recipe ever to use the word "mercilessly." You're welcome.
2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false... why?
Damn. I hate getting heavy after transcribing that recipe. I'm going to say, with some reservation, that this is false. To say that the statement is true assumes that humans are incapable of changing, and that's too depressing a statement to put on humanity. I must, as an article of faith, believe that we are capable of realizing that mistakes we've made are destructive and that we can choose to not go down those dark roads multiple times.
3. Where is the female G spot and how do you find it?
Oh, this one's easy. It's on this web page. Click the link and you've found it.
4. Is there a correlation between shoe size and penis size?
Absolutely. I thought this was common knowledge, but for those few of you who aren't familiar with it, here's the formula:
where "n" is penis size and "k" is shoe size.
5. Can women have wet dreams?
Only when they dream about David Hasselhoff and Shar Pei puppies.
Bonus (as in optional): Take a wild guess, how many calories are in a man's average ejaculation?
Oh God. I knew this a long time ago. It's low. I'll say ... 40 calories.
Party on, Wayne.
17 January 2007
TMI Tuesday #1: One Day Late
TMI Tuesday used the excuse of the holiday for throwing them off ... so I will too! Thought I'd get in on this weekly activity, at least for awhile. Seeing as this is such a new blog and I'm a relative stranger to the "scene," I figured it would be a chance for readers to gain some insight.
1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
Man, it's been a long time since I've dated. But let me imagine this for a second....
Mmmmm ... back seat of the car ... bra hiked up ... jeans pulled down ... feeling that delectable, wet ....
Oops, sorry. Stay on task, Connor. Okay.
a) If she's not well-spoken -- if she isn't able to carry on an interesting conversation that shows education and a knowledge of culture/pop culture -- she's probably not going to have "interest" staying power with me. That probably sounds snotty, but it's true. Mousy conversationalist? Turnoff.
b) If she's rude to service people, I'm outta there. Being an asshole to the waitstaff, or blowing up at an usher ... I don't have time for that kind of crap. She may be mind-blowing in bed, but if I can't stand her outside of bed, why bother?
c) If she lacks any style when it comes to kissing, it's gonna be a tough row to hoe. Lips that just lay there, seem "thin," hesitant, or a liplock without the flair for the dramatic: Better start lining up a Craigslist ad in a hurry, babe.
2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)
Well, I hate to go for the obvious here, but probably the dog. The one always mounting your leg. Not that I walk around doing this to everything that moves (but that does create a hilarious workplace image, doesn't it?) ... It's just that, in my head, that's the way I feel. Quick to distract. Easy to entertain. Plays hard, then sleeps hard (but never for long enough, it seems). Probably a 9-month-old puppy, I'm thinking.
3) If your s.o. stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
Probably a long time. It's a marriage -- I'm in it for the long haul. But you could bet that I'd be going about doing whatever I could to fix things. Hell, that's why I'm here, blogging. We're not even at a critical point of danger in our relationship -- I mean, we're not at "go get counseling" status or anything like that -- but I did want to put some specific thought toward the feeling I have of being "undersexed," so I'm working on it ... with her in real-life and here on my own.
4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
I've been passive in the past, probably responding to my partners' signals/body language and too frightened to "push the envelope" without knowing if they would like the more aggressive approach. (And I was probably not open enough to feel comfortable discussing it with them.) But in this relationship, where I feel completely comfortable, a definite aggressive streak has shown up. Fortunately she likes it. And she will even occasionally show signs of returning the favor, which is a nice change-up every once in awhile.
5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
What, do I seem like I'm 16? Of course I have. My wife and I have gone several times. Before her, I'd been many times in my 20s as well.
One particular trip to a store was memorable. It was a visit to an adult toystore with the woman I dated before I met my wife. One of those roadside stores -- you know, the ones just off the highway, with the neon signs, and all the pickups and SUVs parked out front. She was driving, and she decided she wanted to see what one of those places looked like, so she pulled off, and in we went.
The stuff seemed even tackier than the product in most places like that. The toys incredibly cheap, the magazines particularly skanky. We didn't stay long, and we certainly didn't buy anything.
But the experience must have done something to my girlfriend. When we got back in the car, she asked me to drive. Not long after getting back on the road, cuddled up to me, pulled my arm around her, and slipped my hand inside her shirt, where she encouraged me to play with her. Before long, she was massaging my crotch, and then she slipped my cock out and gave me roadhead.
It wasn't very good roadhead, sadly. I don't think she was completely comfortable with the situation. It was also incredibly small Geo Metro -- that might have had something to do with it! I remember having to pull off the road for my climax. She finished me and swallowed -- the only time she ever swallowed. I guess she wanted to avoid the mess on her car seats.
She was strangely distant the rest of the night, even after we got back to her place. Just turned over in bed and went to sleep. I'm not sure if the cum made her nauseous, or if the experience made her feel cheap or dirty.... I haltingly inquired about what was going on, and she pretty much made it clear she wasn't talking about it. This was definitely near the end of the relationship.
Not really an "adult store" story, but a memory that branched off from it.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
Oh, definitely a smaller percentage of women than men. The stereotype is that, for (usually young) men, a FWB situation is ideal; for women, it makes them feel like a tramp. I had a nice FWB relationship with a woman who was definitely cool with that. But she was the exception to the rule in my experience. The FWB ended up introducing me to my wife.
I would say 25% of women are capable of handling it. Around 50% of men could handle it. That might be a lower percentage of men than you might expect, but I believe there are a lot of jealous men out there who, I think, would prefer to "tie up" their partner's interests, and FWB doesn't really allow for that. Still, it's much higher than women.
1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
Man, it's been a long time since I've dated. But let me imagine this for a second....
Mmmmm ... back seat of the car ... bra hiked up ... jeans pulled down ... feeling that delectable, wet ....
Oops, sorry. Stay on task, Connor. Okay.
a) If she's not well-spoken -- if she isn't able to carry on an interesting conversation that shows education and a knowledge of culture/pop culture -- she's probably not going to have "interest" staying power with me. That probably sounds snotty, but it's true. Mousy conversationalist? Turnoff.
b) If she's rude to service people, I'm outta there. Being an asshole to the waitstaff, or blowing up at an usher ... I don't have time for that kind of crap. She may be mind-blowing in bed, but if I can't stand her outside of bed, why bother?
c) If she lacks any style when it comes to kissing, it's gonna be a tough row to hoe. Lips that just lay there, seem "thin," hesitant, or a liplock without the flair for the dramatic: Better start lining up a Craigslist ad in a hurry, babe.
2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)
Well, I hate to go for the obvious here, but probably the dog. The one always mounting your leg. Not that I walk around doing this to everything that moves (but that does create a hilarious workplace image, doesn't it?) ... It's just that, in my head, that's the way I feel. Quick to distract. Easy to entertain. Plays hard, then sleeps hard (but never for long enough, it seems). Probably a 9-month-old puppy, I'm thinking.
3) If your s.o. stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
Probably a long time. It's a marriage -- I'm in it for the long haul. But you could bet that I'd be going about doing whatever I could to fix things. Hell, that's why I'm here, blogging. We're not even at a critical point of danger in our relationship -- I mean, we're not at "go get counseling" status or anything like that -- but I did want to put some specific thought toward the feeling I have of being "undersexed," so I'm working on it ... with her in real-life and here on my own.
4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
I've been passive in the past, probably responding to my partners' signals/body language and too frightened to "push the envelope" without knowing if they would like the more aggressive approach. (And I was probably not open enough to feel comfortable discussing it with them.) But in this relationship, where I feel completely comfortable, a definite aggressive streak has shown up. Fortunately she likes it. And she will even occasionally show signs of returning the favor, which is a nice change-up every once in awhile.
5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
What, do I seem like I'm 16? Of course I have. My wife and I have gone several times. Before her, I'd been many times in my 20s as well.
One particular trip to a store was memorable. It was a visit to an adult toystore with the woman I dated before I met my wife. One of those roadside stores -- you know, the ones just off the highway, with the neon signs, and all the pickups and SUVs parked out front. She was driving, and she decided she wanted to see what one of those places looked like, so she pulled off, and in we went.
The stuff seemed even tackier than the product in most places like that. The toys incredibly cheap, the magazines particularly skanky. We didn't stay long, and we certainly didn't buy anything.
But the experience must have done something to my girlfriend. When we got back in the car, she asked me to drive. Not long after getting back on the road, cuddled up to me, pulled my arm around her, and slipped my hand inside her shirt, where she encouraged me to play with her. Before long, she was massaging my crotch, and then she slipped my cock out and gave me roadhead.
It wasn't very good roadhead, sadly. I don't think she was completely comfortable with the situation. It was also incredibly small Geo Metro -- that might have had something to do with it! I remember having to pull off the road for my climax. She finished me and swallowed -- the only time she ever swallowed. I guess she wanted to avoid the mess on her car seats.
She was strangely distant the rest of the night, even after we got back to her place. Just turned over in bed and went to sleep. I'm not sure if the cum made her nauseous, or if the experience made her feel cheap or dirty.... I haltingly inquired about what was going on, and she pretty much made it clear she wasn't talking about it. This was definitely near the end of the relationship.
Not really an "adult store" story, but a memory that branched off from it.
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
Oh, definitely a smaller percentage of women than men. The stereotype is that, for (usually young) men, a FWB situation is ideal; for women, it makes them feel like a tramp. I had a nice FWB relationship with a woman who was definitely cool with that. But she was the exception to the rule in my experience. The FWB ended up introducing me to my wife.
I would say 25% of women are capable of handling it. Around 50% of men could handle it. That might be a lower percentage of men than you might expect, but I believe there are a lot of jealous men out there who, I think, would prefer to "tie up" their partner's interests, and FWB doesn't really allow for that. Still, it's much higher than women.
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