06 April 2007

100 Things About Me (Pt. 1 of 2)

"The only true currency is what we share when we're both uncool."
-- Lester Bangs, channeled through Philip Seymour Hoffman in Almost Famous

Everybody seems to do these lists. The challenge for me was making all 100 things relate to sex or relationships.


i. Speaking purely physically: It's her eyes first. Her tits second.

ii. If I'm using "external stimuli" for masturbation, it's pretty evenly split between written erotica and video I've found on the Internet.

iii. I experimented sexually with my (male) best friend when we were 6 or 7. We called it "Nasty," but in the presence of the grown-ups we referred to it as "NASA." My favorite activities we did were the oral ones, though my friend was less enamored with those.

iv. I had a girlfriend in second and third grade with whom I experimented sexually. No intercourse, just playing with each other.

v. Amy and I used to make love to that Enigma CD that came out in the 1990s -- the one with the sampled monks and the heavy-breathing woman. How cliché is that?

vi. On a couple of occasions, girlfriends have surreptitiously groped me in public crowds. I found this to be incomprehensibly arousing.

vii. Speaking of public arousal, I have a fantasy about getting blown in a movie theater. I have no intention of fulfilling this one because I am convinced that these days every auditorium has security cameras with night-vision technology.

viii. I have always wanted to spend a night with a paid escort, but I can never get around how much they cost. (Maybe roleplay for Amy?)

ix. As a teenager, I had a sexual relationship with my (male) best friend that lasted about nine months.

x. A former apartment mate who knew of my homosexual experience asked me one night if I would take a shower with him. I softly declined. I didn't find him attractive. That said, now I kind of wish I'd done it.

xi. nip/tuck is a guilty pleasure. Good sex scenes, though I can't bear to watch the surgeries.

xii. Sometimes I resent what my kids have done to my sex life.

xiii. I find Anaïs Nin deadly dull.

xiv. I like going without underwear, but I don't do it all that often -- usually just when I'm out of underwear, and then I remember how much I like it.

xv. I considered for awhile in the late 80s/early 90s doing phone sex. Yes, I realize that, being male, I would have been doing gay phone sex. I was willing to try it. But two female co-workers at my day job warned me that the work would likely send me hurtling into a depression and make me hate humanity.

xvi. As "research" into phone sex, I called a phone sex line once. The girl who phoned me back was very sweet, but this was clearly not her calling (no pun intended). I had to lead the whole way, and her orgasm was obviously faked. Still, the fantasy I had concocted was so good that I made myself come.

xvii. Yeah, I have tried to incorporate Pop Rocks into sex. What a gi-normous disappointment that was.

xviii. When I was a kid, my parents had a copy of John Updike's A Month of Sundays in their bookcase. I would secret it away and masturbate to the sex scenes.

xix. It'd be fun to get into the Mile-High Club. Does anyone actually do that anymore, post-9/11?

xx. I have posed as a female on sex chats.

xxi. I begged and pleaded with a girlfriend to not break up with me 'cause the sex just rocked.

xxii. Well, maybe the sex wasn't that good: I broke up with her three weeks later.

xxiii. I wish I could eat Amy's pussy every day. It totally baffles me why she's not taking me up on this offer.

xxiv. My wife (then my girlfriend) once blew me in an empty classroom at her high-school reunion.

xxv. I am a shameless flirt, especially with women I know well. I'm even worse on the Internet.

xxvi. It saddens me that my wife has lost her talent for flirting ... with me or with anyone else. I think she'd like to regain it.

xxvii. I don't get the Hooters restaurant chain. But then, I haven't actually been to one. I should probably go and see if it makes any sense whatsoever. Amy has said she'd go with me sometime.

xxviii. I worry sometimes that I'm sounding silly when I talk dirty during sex. It doesn't help that Amy often has this nervous, self-conscious laugh when I'm doing it.

xxix. In high-school, my girlfriend and I used to read letters from the Forum section of Penthouse magazine to each other over the phone. She was awful at it. I was fantastic at it. (Her judgment, not mine.) (Okay, maybe my judgment too, a little.)

xxx. I listened to a phone message once from a woman I really wanted to date. She was wondering where I was, since we were supposed to be meeting for dinner. I wasn't answering the phone because I couldn't get up off the floor. I couldn't get up off the floor because I was pinned down at that moment by an ex-girlfriends pussy as we were engrossed in a messy, glorious 69.

xxxi. Though his character is a terrible womanizer, when Daniel Day Lewis says "Take off your clothes" in the movie version of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I think it is so fucking sexy it makes me dizzy. When I'm being aggressive during sex, this is the character I hope is inhabiting me.

xxxii. I write erotica. I have several stories written, but haven't published them yet. Eventually, they'll be going somewhere on the web.

xxxiii. Ron Jeremy disgusts me. I don't get why he's such a goddamned legend in porn. How can "hedgehog" be a term of endearment for a porn actor?

xxxiv. I had a relationship lasting almost two years with a woman with whom I never had intercourse.

xxxv. And I was prepared to marry her.

xxxvi. I'm sorry that I gave that dancer at the strip club an extra $20 to "do a little something extra" for my friend, who was getting married the next day. I was his best man, and I somehow thought that the other guys at the bachelor party were expecting it. Maybe they were, but it wasn't worth it. Luckily, he has forgiven me. His wife thought it was funny.

xxxvii. I think swimming in the nude is an incredibly erotic experience.

xxxviii. In fact, my college girlfriend and I once had a wonderful encounter in my family's pool while on break that involved my giving her a fun session of cunnilingus ... underwater.

xxxix. I dated this girl in junior high school who was unbelievably way out of my league. Incredibly hot. The only thing that I had that could have attracted her was my intelligence or command of the English language. Her aroma made my tongue tickle. We would go to this hill overlooking a cemetery and she'd let me play with her small but delicious tits. She was 4'11". She handed out business cards that said "Let's get small."

xl. I've never felt a pair of fake tits. I'm interested in doing this, just for the experience. I don't think for a minute that it will be sexually arousing.

xli. Before I married Amy, I had an affair. The woman and I never had intercourse, but we did everything else.

xlii. Because of the distance this affair (and other issues) created, Amy ended up having her own affair. She fucked him.

xliii. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in a public place (like a bus or a restaurant), I will look around at the people within my field of vision and choose the individual with whom I would most like to have sex. It's a fun game, try it sometime.

xliv. Amy and I spent an entire Saturday in bed, fucking. In front of the Clarence Thomas hearings.

xlv. In college, a woman I was mad-crushing on wanted to apply full makeup to my face, just for the fun of it. I let her go at it, because it was an incredible turn-on to have her face in such close proximity to mine. The makeup didn't turn me on at all.

xlvi. I'd rather see my wife fuck Rocco Siffredi than Peter North. North always has that dumb, vacant look on his face when he's having sex. And Rocco's cock has those great veins. I think Amy agrees with me on this.

xlvii. I lost my virginity at 17, and went on to have a TON of sex over the next several months with my girlfriend, before we went off to our respective colleges.

xlviii. But I never used a condom until my senior year in college.

xlix. I admit I'm still struggling with elements of the affairs Amy and I had before we were married. I feel totally hypocritical about that, but ... there it is.

l. I love the challenge of keeping my mouth concentrated on the cunt of a woman who is really bucking as I eat her out.


If you haven't lost all respect for me yet, you can continue with items 51-100.


A Pervert Looks at 40 said...

Good list.

I don't get Hooters either. The closest I've come is that some wives will let their men go to Hooters but not strip clubs. It's kind of like buying Maxim instead of Penthouse.

Gillette said...

Mmmmmmmm...Daniel Day Lewis in that movie. Sexy.

Anonymous said...

Baby... of course we chose the same day to publish our lists. But I did acknowledge that the idea came from you. ;)

You did well making all the items sex-related... can't wait to see the next 50. Hope you're starting to feel better.

Anonymous said...


I'm still processing.

Happy Easter.


Bekah said...

Okay, I am officially caught up and let me just say that as much as I still respect you... you are brave. There is a ton of my stuff in my past that I would never ever ever put down in writing....

Very nicely done.

mia said...

re: item xliii.

I do that all the time. And I do mean ALL the time. One day it'll probably get me into trouble... hopefully ;)

Denis Connor said...

pervert -- The idea that wives must "let" their husbands do anything is slightly offensive. Don't you think? I know it's out there, but I'm always amazed when I come across it.

gillette -- Lest we forget: Lena Olin in that movie ... mmmmmm ....

LFM -- There you go, stealing all my thunder!

lbp -- What part stalled your processor? Surely, you didn't believe me to be the saint I make myself out to be 99% of the time, right?

bekah -- It's amazing how brave one can be when one is anonymous. (Read: Not brave at all)