07 April 2007

100 Things About Me (Pt. 2 of 2)

(Miss the first 50 items? It's not too late to play catch-up.)

Time to kill off the last vestiges of my "mystique."


li. I think Sex, Lies and Videotape was an amazingly ground-breaking movie at the time. I haven't gone back to watch it in years, but considering the way our culture has gone, I bet it seems unbelievably tame now.

lii. I was curious about what a condom felt like -- how sensitive sex would be when I was wearing one -- so before I ever had sex wearing one, I tried two or three brands and wore them while I masturbated.

liii. In 1990, I met up for coffee with a woman through the Internet. (Anyone remember Cleveland FreeNet?) It's the only time I ever did that. I was hoping to get laid that night, but geez, was this girl ever mousy and meek. I'm sure I was as equally unappealing to her. We both downed our drinks as quick as we could and headed home alone.

liv. Fewer things petrify me as much as when I shave Amy's bikini area. (But the payoff is almost worth it.)

lv. Podcasting is a wonderful technological development, but sex podcasts are ... well ... just lame. As of yet. Somebody needs to figure out how to do that right.

lvi. Amy and I did not have sex on our wedding night.

lvii. Sure, I jacked off to Judy Blume's Wifey in high school.

lviii. I normally only have to shave every other day, but I've recently taken to shaving every day (in the shower) to make my face as smooth as possible, hopefully encouraging Amy to take me up on my numerous offers to go down on her.

lix. Okay, had to replace what was originally here before with something new, because I've already revealed that I shave my balls, and this list needs to be all-new info: On my first college winter break back home, I fucked my high-school girlfriend's best friend. Don't worry, the high-school girlfriend and I had amicably parted when we went off to college. (But the sex with her best friend had been a long-time in the making — two years of flirting.) This is the only woman to have slept with me and another one of my siblings. (No, not at the same time.)

lx. My high school geometry teacher was this straight-laced, rather stern woman with short, blonde hair and not a strong gift for teaching. And I so wanted to fuck her.

lxi. In college, in the very first class of my very first quarter, I would sometimes sit in the class and write porn stories to keep me awake. I might still have those spiral notebooks in a box in my basement.

lxii. My high school girlfriend once said to me: "Congratulations, I'm not pregnant. Again." This was the first time she'd said something like that to me. Turned out it was the third pregnancy scare she had had, but she had been keeping these tidbits to herself.

lxiii. After so many close calls with high-school girlfriend, I believed for a number of years that I might not be able to get a woman pregnant. I'm really glad I was wrong about that.

lxiv. I think Coldplay's Parachutes is one of the best albums to fuck to. I also don't think they've made anything nearly as good since, whether I'm fucking or not.

lxv. Christy Canyon drives me wild. Her tits remind me of Amy's, and I come very quickly when she talks dirty. I mean, when Christy talks dirty. Well, when Amy talks dirty too. But right now, I'm talking about Christy.

lxvi. Every time Amy or I go somewhere without the other, the thought passes through my head that it may be the last time I see her.

lxvii. It is my dream to someday have a hair salon-style sink installed in my home. Having my hair washed is one of the most erotic things I experience in everyday life. Washing my wife's hair ain't too boring either.

lxviii. I discovered masturbation when I was 12. We rented a house for a long summer vacation, and a bookcase in the house contained a copy of Grant Tracy Saxon's The Happy Hustler. I snuck it into the bathroom for that whole month and masturbated with lotion. Many, many times.

lxix. I haven't used lotion to masturbate in over 20 years.

lxx. There are few things better after sex than a big bowl of freshly made pasta with butter. Except maybe more sex.

lxxi. If I'm reading erotica and there are grammar or punctuation mistakes, I'm completely turned off. I'm turned off by a lot of erotica.

lxxii. I'm a little bummed that Amy doesn't enjoy wearing thong underwear more often.

lxxiii. I'm a phone sex and cybersex snob. If the other person can't type decently or create a good story, I lose interest quickly.

lxxiv. Girl-on-girl porn does nothing for me.

lxxv. Which is not to say I wouldn't be absolutely fascinated watching Amy make love to another woman.

lxxvi. At the moment that I lost my virginity, Manhattan Transfer's "On the Boulevard" was playing on my girlfriend's clock radio. Hey, I'm not proud of it either, but it's not like I was gonna pause and wait for a better song, you know?

lxxvii. I want to suck cock again sometime.

lxxviii. I have laughed during and after orgasm, but not in quite awhile. I don't know if I should read anything into that.

lxxix. For a short time before I met the woman who would become my wife, I lived with a crazy woman. She just walked away from college one day and showed up on my doorstep. We slept together most nights, but she was too ... whatever ... to have sex with me. When she returned to that college the following quarter, she lost her virginity and became a nymphomaniac. I'm alternately grateful and pissed as hell that I never got to have sex with her.

lxxx. I'm also alternately grateful and pissed as hell that I wasn't old enough to be sexually active in the years before HIV.

lxxxi. My Internet persona (especially in chat) is much more aggressive and arrogant than I am in real-life.

lxxxii. I'd love to vacation at a nude beach or resort someday, if Amy could get comfortable enough to do it with me.

lxxxiii. Like driving by a car wreck, I can't turn away from those truly horrendous B-grade softcore porn films that Cinemax and Showtime show late at night. When my cable company opens those channels up for "free preview weekends," I scan the listings to see which piece of cocktease crap is going to be on.

lxxxiv. I find pearls incredibly sexy. One of my most memorable sex sessions with Amy involved a necklace of pearls gently inserted into her pussy ... and slowly sucked out.

lxxxv. This is way too twee and embarrassing, but: Early in our relationship, when one or the other of us was headed to work, Amy and I had a goodbye ritual that involved me briefly sucking on each of her nipples and she kissing or briefly sucking my cock "goodbye."

lxxxvi. I loved to give hickeys on my high-school girlfriend's inner thigh, right next to her pussy. I joked that I was marking my territory.

lxxxvii. I used to play "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" with two (female) cousins when we visited my grandmother's house. I was more into it than they were.

lxxxviii. I have masturbated so many times in a day that my dick was raw. (Thankfully, not for awhile.)

lxxxix. When I have my best orgasms, it feels like someone has thrown a stone into my center, and I'm experiencing an intense ripple effect that progresses to an earth-shattering "convulsion."

xc. And then there's often an "after-shock," milder but still intense, some fifteen to thirty seconds after the first.

xci. An ex-girlfriend had a kitten. She shouldn't have -- she really wasn't very good at taking care of pets. The kitten would get jealous when I was around. One time, while the woman and I were fucking on the floor of her apartment (in front of a full-length mirror), the cat took a flying leap off the bed ... on to my back. This did not make me find a deeper love for cats.

xcii. As comfortable as I am with pornography now, it's fun to remember how incredibly nervous I would get in high school when, on my way back from my girlfriend's, I would stop at the 7-11 and psyche myself up to walk in and buy a Penthouse. I would practice what I was going to say until the tremor in my voice would cease.

xciii. I masturbate with my right hand.

xciv. I had sex with a girlfriend in her parents' bed, and I think that largely because of the location, it was the best sex I ever had with that woman.

xcv. I own a pair of handcuffs, which I've never used with Amy. Why? Because I lost the keys. I know how to open the cuffs pretty consistently using a paperclip, but I'm petrified that the one time I put them on her, I won't be able to open them. I think I'll wait 'til I have another set of keys.

xcvi. Astroglide. There might be better ones out there, but I really like that one.

xcvii. I can't even contemplate getting a blowjob with a condom. I would have a hard time maintaining an erection believing that the experience was irredeemably unpleasant for her.

xcviii. Amy and I used to watch a lot of porn by Andrew Blake, but at this point, his stuff does little for me. I don't think it does much for her, either.

xcix. I have occasionally had a fantasy of my wife giving a repairman making a housecall a "tip" of a blowjob after he has finished his work.

c. Less rarely, I've had the same fantasy about me delivering that blowjob. Sometimes that fantasy "works" for me, but most times it doesn't.


Justin Splooge said...

Girl on girl porn is for girls.

Grammatical errors kill erotic stories for me too. Nothing makes me go flaccid quicker than reading, "I want to eat you're pussy."

Finally, a blog worth reading.

la fille mariée said...

Wonderful stuff, Denis.

#66 made me want to cry. Or throw up. Or both.

And of course grammatical errors are no good, in any context. Impossible to take the writing seriously... and that really is essential for erotica.

Hope you're well enough to read my 100 soon, my friend.

Okay, going to proofread this several times before posting.

Melanie said...

I hate girl on girl porn. It just looks so fake to me, and most of the time the women seem really bored.
I agree with you that errors in erotica kill the mood quickly. In one of my fave books, after a hot scene she wrote: week kneed instead of weak kneed. My next thought was "Didnt she proof this?"

Sexy Duet said...

While we play safe in all other ways, condoms and blowjobs just dont go for me either.


Kell said...

Regarding grammar and punctuation: count me in. Ugh. I'm a massive snob about it... I expect attention to detail. Posting sloppy work gives the impression of a date showing up late, unshowered, and still smelling of the raw onions he had with lunch.

Bekah said...

I am going to have to agree with the Coldplay comment, and and what you said about when you go somwhere without the other the thought of never seeing them again crosses your mind... I have that too... but I hate it.
I still haven't read part one, been a little out of it lately. I'll catch up soon!

mia said...

I remember having good sex in my parent's bed (mothers to be exact), but I can't for the life of me remember who with!

Denis Connor said...

How refreshing to know that so many of my readers can't stand bad grammar and spelling in their porn. This will, however, make me even more obsessive about my own posts. Thank God for the ability to always go back and edit what is already posted. That's why I love the Web.

Justin: "Girl on girl porn is for girls." Yeah! Fuckin-A! Now, let's get another six-pack and watch some A2M scenes together! Oh. Wait. That sounds gay.

LFM: Nice to know I've made you just as anal-retentive about your writing as I am about mine.

Melanie: I know what you mean about G-G porn, but now that I think of it, I get kind of fidgety and bored during any porn scene involving cunnilingus, no matter who's giving it. Thank God I love doing it so much. If it was based on just watching it, I wouldn't see the point.

kell: Let me know next time you're planning on reading my blog, and I'll make sure to shower ahead of time and pop a breath mint. I need to cover all my bases....

bekah: Sometime, I'm going to have to make a list of my fave makeout albums. (Um, Enigma will not be on the list.)

mia: That comment alternately turns me on ... and scares the crap out of me.

MrManicDepressive said...

Hey! I jerked off to Judy Blume's Wifey in high school too!

mia said...

hope you're ok... been a while without a post now, and am starting to get worried.


Denis Connor said...

mrmanicdepressive: Wow! I don't know whether to say "Cool!" or "Ewwwwww!"

mia: aren't you the sweetest. My plan of staying away longer than necessary for dramatic effect worked perfectly.