TMI Tuesday #7: "Linger" Lost

I almost bailed on the TMI Tuesday meme in favor of Wet Wednesday. I've been disappointed in TMI Tuesday's quality of questions. But they got a reprieve this week ... I was actually able to work with these questions. So, thanks, TMI, for stepping it up a little bit.

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?

I love the way going commando feels. No true commando story, but occasionally on a weekend, Amy would discovered much to her surprise (why was she always surprised?) that I wasn't wearing underwear. (I've also occasionally discovered that she had no underwear on, but it's rare and usually only happens when, say, the panties load is in the washer.) There's a whole "porn star" aspect to going commando: So many male porn stars prove when they disrobe that they have dispensed with the totally unnecessary underwear. Their cocks pop right out, waiting to be serviced.

Sometimes I do it because I like the way it feels, but sometimes I don't wear underwear in hopes that the discovery will start something. The truth is, that never happens. Since I do this on the weekends, that's a time of the week usually fraught with pressure of trying to accomplish everything in our home life that we were too busy or tired to handle during the week. This was hard before we had kids. Now, with weekly classes or activities scheduled on Saturdays, the idea of sexual spontaneity is almost impossible to imagine.

There's a deep-seeded fear I have of going commando, courtesy an old episode of The Rockford Files. Jim is attending (or, more likely, crashing) a high-class suarée when masked gunmen break in and rob the guests of their money and valuable jewelry. Rather than demanding the male party-goers hand over their wallets, the robbers tell them to remove their pants. All trousers are collected, accomplishing two goals: The wallets are stolen, and any party-goer who is feeling heroic is less likely to pursue the robbers when he is pantsless.

Of course, every single male at the party is wearing underwear. In fact, every one of them is wearing boxers. Much less revealing, pretty much just like wearing a thin pair of shorts. (Remember those ten minutes or so in the 1980s, when some women wore men's boxers as their outerwear?) Even when I was 13, this seemed odd to me. Not one pair of BVDs in the group? Was this a status thing?

Anyway, whenever I pull my jeans up over my bare ass, carefully zipping up to make sure not to catch skin, this Rockford Files ep pops into my head. And I wonder: Is today the day that someone walks up to me on the street, pushes a muzzle into my ribcage, and demands my pants? Not that it stops me. But it does give me pause for thought.


2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

Considering I was in a relationship (in college) in which there was nothing but foreplay for two years — and I loved it — I'd have to say: Never enough. Though I think Amy feels differently. She gets edgy after we start down the road to Orgasmville. She's totally impatient. She wants me to cut to the chase — or even the end of the chase — a.s.a.p.

Nothing would make me happier than Amy and I having a day where, from the moment we woke up, she told me, "You are spending the day with your face in my cunt." I wouldn't need more than that for quite some time.


3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

Good if it is happening. And happening slowly. Luxuriously. With a sense that the giver is savoring the moment. When Amy gave me the coupon for a "mind-blowing blowjob," this is what I envisioned. One where she really makes a big-ass deal out of how great it is to suck my cock. Where she makes lots of eye contact. Moans. Whispers. Drools on it. Where her tongue plays with my balls ... endlessly. No goal of orgasm for some time ... Just letting arousal build and build.

This would be truly special. Most times — due to time constraints, or exhaustion, or a desire on her part to get to the fucking, or just other things on her mind — the blowjobs can be rushed. And the truth is, her mindset has invaded mine to some extent such that more often than not, my own time spent going down on her is similarly rushed. The concept of the lingering, unrushed orgasm, sadly, has slipped out of our grasp. Maybe a day will come when it can be found again.


4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough, or does the first one just get your motor running?

I don't get to find out very often. Amy is usually sleepy or moving on to something else after one. Not since the early days of our relationship has she been interested in having several sessions / orgasms in a row. I think this speaks to the level of interest she has in sex in general. She got hers, and now she either wants to get to sleep (if it's late) or get back to doing something around the house (in the middle of the day).

Amy rarely relaxes. I consider it one of my major goals in this marriage to help her find more ways for her to let go and kick back.


5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."

It's another time of the day when, from the moment she wakes up, Amy's head is not in the sex game. The times that we've had morning sex are the (all too rare) times when she has woken up without a child already present or without the pressure of a mental pages-long to-do list. I suppose one person in the relationship needs to be responsible, right? Probably an okay trade-off for not having morning sex.

I know, I know: Who the hell am I kidding?


Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?

I've never done either of these things. Not that it wouldn't be fun to try someday. Actually, what would really interest me is watching some anonymous stranger having sex with Amy. That would be most enjoyable.

TMI Tuesday #3: Putting On My "Depends"

I don't just suck at unequivocation ... I swallow. Case in point: This week's TMI Tuesday responses.


1. Do you think people in general are too forgiving of or too harsh on promiscuous women? Promiscuous men?

I think I will often answer TMI Tuesday questions with "It depends." In this case, the X factor is the community that these promiscuous individuals (promiscuosities?) move through. In the community that you ("Dear Reader") are currently residing, promiscuity is, by and large, accepted ... in many cases even applauded. Slutty behavior makes for better blog entries, right? Meanwhile, in Conservativeville, USA, promiscuity, while probably no less rampant, is a means to castigation.

How do you define "promiscuous?" The lead definition at Answers.com is: "Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners." But I think a lot of people consider promiscuity something more along the lines of cheating on someone. "Why did they break up?" "Well, she was promiscuous." The assumption there being that she was sleeping around on her partner against his wishes. But what if she's doing so with his knowledge, née his approval? She's still promiscuous, but the promiscuity is acceptable within the community of their partnership. Nothing to forgive, nothing to punish.

Unless she asks for punishment ... and takes it bent over like the naughty girl that she is.

I'm sorry, did I get distracted again? I'm avoiding a true answer to the question.

The general answer here is that societies are more harsh on women than men when it comes to promiscuity. Whether punishment or praise is appropriate for sluts (male or female), one would hope that the treatment would be meted out equally. But we're a long way from equality in so many places in this society; why would this dark corner be any different?

Yes, this is my grand take on gender equality: Women won't be truly equal until they can fuck around just as much as men! Now, if I can work that into an "I have a dream"-style speech, I can become the hero of the sex blogosphere.


2. Suppose you've been dating someone for a year, and they're slowly getting fat. Does this romance have long-term potential?

That depends, doesn't it?

Do I love her for more than her physique? If so, then the weight is going to matter far less.

Is her weight gain making her a more unhappy person? If it is, and if she's not going to actually take steps to improve her self-esteem, there will be some troubling signposts ahead.

Am I also putting on weight too? If I'm an average American, I probably am getting heavier by virtue of aging.

If the increased weight makes the sound of my hips slapping against her ass more deeply resonant, am I going to complain? I don't believe so. Provided the weight gain doesn't curtail the interest in intimacy of either party, I think the relationship will continue to flourish.


3. If you have five VERY successful dates with someone, are you a couple?

That depends ... on which psychological hang-up you have. Are you a hopelessly starry-eyed buffoon who absently scribbles your first name with his last name on your telephone doodle pad, when all he did was hold a door open for you? Or are you the kind who, after a decade together, flips out when he suggests you leave a toothbrush over at his place, demanding to "just fucking take it slowly, okay?!"

Me? I was the buffoon. We were usually a couple after one. I fell hard and fast. Not unlike my sexual performance at that age.

But seriously, in this day: If you're actually able to have five "VERY successful" dates, you are a complete and utter idiot to not be a couple.


4. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?

Wait a minute: That phrase is referring to my toes? Criminy. That explains why every time I get Amy close to climax, she starts screaming at me to "Leave my fucking toes alone -- it hurts when you bend them back to my ankles!"

Thank God I've got this blog to help me learn where I've gone wrong.


5. Can great sex be reason enough to stay in a relationship? (What about just okay sex?)

That depends. Where does the couple want the relationship to go? Plenty of "friends with benefits" setups can last a long, long time. (Sometimes they continue even after the parties involved have started new relationships with others.) But it is our nature for our needs in life to change over time -- and rarely do two people's needs change in consort. When a relationship is based on one element, and that element gets out of sync, you'd better have something else to fall back on.

While I know people who have had long-term relationships based pretty much on the sex, I've never maintained one myself. The relationship that probably falls best into this category lasted about three months (the sex was quite grand) ... but I found so many other things about her to be incompatible with me that I had to end it. Later, we had a FWB arrangement for awhile, and that was actually working much better ... until I fell in love with her best friend.