"I'm not sure if you were thinking we were having sex tonight. Do you wanna do anything?"
A note to ladies reading this: I understand if my powers of seduction, exhibited in this steamy proposition to my wife, overwhelm you with moist desire. Please, take as much time as you need to "take care of bidness" before continuing with this entry.
"I mean ..." I continue, my libido twisting in the wind, "... I don't want to do anything you're not in the mood for. It's not that big a deal." This is sort of true. But even so: What the hell am I thinking when I say this?
There are two opposite forces at work here.
The first force is a simple, testosterone-based need. It's been a week since I've had any sex that didn't feature my hand in the starring role. Now we stand on the precipice of another work week. The odds of sex before next Saturday are slim to none. Some part of my brain screams: You have to try!
The counterforce is the knowledge that Amy hasn't responded to my overtures all day. These gestures have spanned the gamut, from simple (a caress of the ass, a kiss in the hollow of her neck) to heavy-handed (After repairing a child's toy that Amy [inadvertently] broke, thus silencing a 15-minute tantrum/pouting session, I whisper in Amy's ear: "You owe me an amazing blowjob tonight for this one!").
We had a stupid-busy weekend which included a to-do list that proved size does matter. The only way to gain ground was to split forces. Amy and one kid get a haircut while I take the other kid with me grocery shopping. I take one kid to a birthday party while Amy does yard work. We were detached for the whole weekend. And even when we were together, one or the other of us worked on different chores or dealt with different kids. We weren't spouses these last few days, we were co-workers.
And then there are the examples of the sexual disconnect:
- While watching Rome, I comment: "Man, do Atia's breasts get larger with every episode?" Amy's reply is a question: "Does your mind always have to be on that one track?" She kind-of-apologizes when I point out that such observations about women's bodies on TV usually come from her.
- We hear an ad for a Viagra-style product on the radio, and Amy muses: "How come they don't make a drug that lessens a man's sex drive?" Me: "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Her: (defensive) "It was a joke." Me: "Um, so was mine." This is one of those cases, I think, where that maxim about some truth in every joke might be applicable.
And still — after all this evidence! — "Don Juan" here barreled ahead with a proposition for sex.
Anyroad2 ... If you think my come-on was sexy, just wait 'til you get a load of Amy's response:
"I could probably be talked into something."
I'm not sure that she physically shrugged, but I swear I could hear it.
And the red flags just kept popping up.
I got ready for bed while Amy stayed in front of the television, watching cake decorating. Friends, this never happens.
I was in bed when Amy came into the bedroom, and she asked if we could work on a crossword for awhile. It was almost 1:00 a.m. Any sane man would take the hint; any sane husband would gracefully bow out, letting his wife off the hook.
I hate to give away the ending to my story, but you all know where this is going, don't you?
Lights off, we started kissing. And everything felt a little ... off. Like we'd been away from each other, lost our groove. I commented on this.
"I've felt so disconnected from you." I wasn't sure where this was going, but I hoped she could help me get there. But it was a dead end: Amy acknowledged that we've been really busy recently. End of discussion.
My hands worked around her body. My tongue traveled from neck to ear. I was gettin' ... nothin'.
As she stroked my chest, she said: "My hand is hurting a lot from this eczema thing tonight. I'm sorry, but I can't really touch you a lot." I told her that's fine. But the thought that it hurt to touch me dug deeper than I let on. I crave Amy's touch. Often, when she slips a hand under my shirt and strokes my back, there is a physical release of stress. I'm sure she thinks I'm overdramatizing when I react. It's as if I discovered a delicious treat I had no idea I was hungry for.
I slipped a hand inside her panties, and she giggled. "You're tickling me!" she said between laughs.
"I'm not doing anything! I'm not even being that gentle!"
"I'm sorry," she said. "You just went in soft and swiftly."
"Then let me try it again. This time I'll go in hard and clumsily," I joked.
"Well, that definitely won't tickle."
I try again, and again, she writhed in ticklish laughter. "I'm sorry, but your hand is just doing that to me tonight!"
I sit up and roughly start to pull off her panties. "Let's see what my tongue does to you, then."
I stayed knelt by her side, my head lowered to her pussy. A typical "69" position, except that my cock is off to the side. Usually she manually plays with me, but not tonight. My tongue went to work, but momentarily she bucked me off in another fit of laughter. One more try: This time her legs squeezed my face as she laughed into the pillow.
"You have got to be kidding me," I said, a little irked now.
She collected herself and finally allowed me in. I was all business. I had something to prove! What, exactly, I'm not sure. She had a pretty good orgasm. And then I did something slightly passive-aggressive: Instead of backing off after her orgasm, I locked my mouth over her cunt and continued to go at her like she still had somewhere to go. I guess I was trying to give her a second one, show her how good this could be. Whatever I was thinking (and calling it "thinking" is charitable), she finally had to force me off. I fell back on the bed panting.
Amy sat up and pulled off my boxer-briefs. With no preface, she came right down on my cock and went to work. It was really nice at first — some variation up and down the sides and underside of the shaft, combined with taking me deep. I slipped my hand into her hair and did some mild guiding. She winced.
"Gentler," she whispered in between sucks.
"Sorry," I said, and decided not to chance hurting her.
Instead, I slipped a hand between her legs, let a thumb stray into her ass crack. Immediately, she clinched and moved away. "Okay," I whispered, getting the message.
My hand slinked up her sides to her tank-covered breasts. I gently teased one, stimulating a nipples. Again, she flinched.
"I can't do that either?" The words came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I think I was whining.
"I'm really sorry," she said. She repositioned herself between my legs, putting her bits out of reach. I sighed and put my hands over my head, grabbing the footboard of the bed.
I stared at the ceiling, realizing there was no way I was coming now. I was completely out of the mood. What's more, Amy, was totally overblowing me at this point. She was going up and down at breakneck pace on my dick, and the teeth were slowly creeping into play, more than they should. It was getting uncomfortable. (Perhaps she was just returning my passive aggression!) When she came up for air, I slipped a hand onto my cock and started jacking, encouraging her to work my balls instead.
But it was already over. Shortly, she came up beside me. She started licking my nipples as I continued to jack myself.
"Tell me something dirty," I suggested. With a good spate of slutchat from Amy, I could probably come off quickly.
"I was thinking about Cleopatra's small tits," she said, another reference to Rome. "What it would be like to have small tits like those. The kind that are barely there. Where you would just be able to suck on my nipples and really nothing else...."
This was the oddest direction she'd ever gone with such talk. She must have known that, because she abandoned it.
"It's just not my night," she sighed.
"No, I guess it's not," I acknowledged, though lovingly. I kissed her head. "You should just go to sleep."
With little hesitation, she flipped around, putting her head back at the top of the bed. "Are you going to finish?" she asked.
"I don't know. Maybe. Yes." But ten strokes later, my erection was gone. I turned around too.
I tried to talk a little more about the disconnection. I commented on feeling far away from her.
"Well, you stay up late, and I get up early," she said. And all I could think was, I'm not the one falling asleep at 9:00 every night! But saying that out loud would have definitely started a fight, and it would have been unfair anyway. Instead, I redirected my frustration, putting the burden on the child who hasn't been sleeping well. Amy didn't respond. She was falling asleep.
I looked at the clock. It was 1:45 a.m. I stared into darkness. I thought about the fact that there are going to be nights like these; we just hadn't had one in a long, long time. I thought about how borderline-petulant I was acting about all of this. I thought about masturbating again. But all masturbatory fantasies lead back to Amy, and any "fantasy Amy" would morph into tonight's Amy. The only possibility was a raunchy porn video to drown out my overactive head. But I didn't move. I just lay there and stewed.
I looked at the clock again. It was 3:02 a.m.
"It's 6:51," said Amy, cuing me to get out of bed. I showered, the previous evening's events slowly coming back to me. Back in the bedroom, I stood at my dresser, pulling on underwear.
"It's a miracle," Amy said behind me, "that none of the kids have woken up."
"Yeah, that's cool," I said. I reached for an undershirt.
"So," she said, "you want to try again?"
I froze. Laughed. Shook my head. Walked over to the bed. "Bless you for that," I said. "But I have a hard time believing we won't be interrupted."
"But we could try," she said.
"You don't have to do this," I said.
"I want to do this," she said. Convincingly.
So, how cool is that?
I tossed the undershirt on the bed, stepped out of my underwear. Before I could say, "Alright, we can try," she had my flaccid cock in her mouth.
Three sucks later, it was rock-hard. I stood next to the bed as she lay down, encouraging me to fuck her mouth. I kept it gentle. This morning felt like it needed gentle.
"You keep yourself good and hard," she said after a moment, "and I'll be right back." She peed while I stretched on the bed, lazily jacking. She returned with a wicked grin and attacked my dick with gusto. It took just a few minutes before I quietly came. It was the thought that counted.
"Wow," she commented, "they're still not awake."
"Yeah," I said, slipping my underwear back on.
"So you could get me off again."
I turned around, and now she was stretched out, her hand already warming things up. I fell between her legs.
After several minutes of bringing her to the edge, she would fall away again. Finally, she pounded the mattress with a fist. "I don't know what's wrong! I get close, and then I lose it. I feel like I'm a long way away!"
"For what it's worth," I offered, "I'm having a hell of a time finding the pocket and getting a rhythm."
She pulled me up beside her. "Thanks anyway."
"No, thank you," I said. "This was a nice surprise."
She kissed me. "Gotta get moving." She headed to the shower.
"Breakfast?" I asked.
"Oh ... oatmeal or smoothie. Whichever you want."
I headed down the hall to the kitchen. We had managed to delay the start of the week by some twenty minutes, but now it was officially here.
1 Sometimes I think I could rename this blog "A Marriage Held on the Couch." [Return]
2 My new favorite word. I picked it up from Rome. Which, sadly, ended its run on HBO last night. Damn, I'm gonna miss that series. Even if there wasn't much of a series left, as all but three of the main characters were dead by the final credits. [Return]