08 March 2007

BlogMeBlogYou II: Dream A Marriage Drawn with Dotted Lines

Push (I push ) until U get 2 higher ground
Hey, push - U're never 2 young, U're never 2 old
Yeah push - don't stop until U go
- Prince [taken entirely out of context]

This is the second in an ongoing series of posts about other blogs I read. These words could be stuck in the "comments" section of the other blog, but really this is less a "reaction" to the original entry than an extensive elaboration.

Married Exploits: Confused
Now that Odysseus and I have opened the window into new sexual adventures and possibilities, I find that it affects what I think and feel when I'm with our friends.

That's Penelope of Married Exploits, kicking off a blog entry that is now more than a month old. (I've hit a crazy-busy patch at work, and that combined with some moonlighting work has made steady blogging quite the challenge.)

A lot of the blogs that I read on a regular basis are chosen because I want to live vicariously through their experience. Some of the bloggers who experiment with sharing their bed are so far out "ahead" that I can't imagine Amy and me doing what they do.

But Odysseus and Penelope -- they're a little newer to this experience. And though we have hardly come as far as this couple, when I read their give-and-take on the blog, I can almost imagine Amy and me sharing very similar thoughts. In other words: I can see Odysseus and Penelope's taillights ... and imagine possibly pulling up beside them someday. (Such heady life goals Denis entertains, you know?)

Anyway. Back to Penelope's thoughts:
In bed, Odysseus and I talk about the friends we are attracted to and the possibilities that could happen with them. This begins to create expectation in my mind and I begin to go into social situations with almost the mind set like I did when I was single. "Is this person a possibility? Should I flirt with them? What if?"
I once posted about a party Amy and I attended where we met an attractive couple. After the party, in a response to my query, Amy indicated the couple's positive "potential" for a foursome/swap/whatever. I put potential in quotes for a reason: I'm pretty sure that Amy was not going beyond the theoretical in that short conversation. While we fantasize during sex about such encounters, I wonder if, for her, this is anything more than an indulgence in my kinks.

I've been tempted to put that to the test — to tell Amy straight out that I am considering asking for a threesome or foursome for my wild-card coupon. I think to myself, What's the harm in putting it out there? "Anything ... Just ask." What's the worst that could happen? A "no?"

That is the worst that could happen. And if it did, certainly life would go on. Except that ... a hard "no" condemns the fantasy to Fantasyland in perpetuity.

I would live a very happy, fulfilled, lucky life without watching Amy suck another man's cock ... without watching Amy fuck another man while I fuck his wife ... without even fucking Amy in front of another person or couple. I mean, it's just a silly fantasy, right?

Yes ... on one level. On another level, it's a kink. A big one for me. And a kink runs deeper, is more potent, weighs heavier than mere fantasy. A lot of seed has been spilled, friends, in the dream-pursuit of the Orgy Of Four. So, while it would not be a tragedy to see that fantasy upended once and for all ... it would be mighty sad nonetheless.

So I'm caught in that oh-so-cliché Purgatory of the Meek: Do I push and take the chance of having a fantasy hobbled once and for all? Or do I stay mum and preserve the insatiable power that the image holds?

Of course I know what you're all going to say: Go for it, you idiot. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll surprise myself.
Then I realize Odysseus and I have awakened this whole other realm of possibility to which most people, in general, are oblivious. They view us as married and sealed off. They view themselves as married or in a relationship and sealed off. The sexual energy, and often energy in general, is completely dormant. They are tired working adults.
In my head, I can't accept that my sexual energy is "sealed off." I view life around me in terms of sensuality. Pleasure. My life is a tide, and I have one insanely strong sex undertow. I'm a closeted libertine.

But I wonder if Penelope is describing my wife. On certain nights, in certain situations, Amy might entertain the thought of pushing that envelope. But, by her own admission, these are not dominant thoughts. I'd say, "Well, that's a difference between men and women," except that this oversimplified assertion wouldn't explain women like ... well, Penelope. And so many others I've come to know since launching this blog. Amy is my life partner, there's no question. But it's hard to think of an area in our relationship where we exist on planes further apart.

So what to do with this dichotomy? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps pushing ... gently.

How I long for — how many of my fellow bloggers long for — a world where the borders of marriage are more fluid. Where a couple can reserve certain emotions, certain intimacies just for themselves ... but still feel the freedom to share a sensuality with others who feel likewise. Oh, I know that this world exists now — many of you prove this. But wouldn't it be wonderful to not have to hide behind our anonymity, to be so scorned by fellow members of society?

Okay, I'll get off of this before I lapse into a rewrite of John Lennon's "Imagine."

I do keep in mind something else that Penelope points out:
If we keep the window open to these things and get aroused thinking and talking about it, reality always might be kind of disappointing. If we actually walk through the door, reality might fuck with our heads and be disappointing too.
There's always the fear of reality shitting upon the fantasy. But it comes down to "nothing wagered, nothing gained," right? So you try it ... and it sucks. Great! Now you can put that one behind you, opening up lots of time to obsess about another kink!


Oh, Pen and Odie ... one more thing:
It has to be with the RIGHT couple, and god knows what this couple is really like.
If Amy and I work slowly down that road ... If I ask her ... If she says "okay ..." In a perfect world, Amy and I would be your right couple. It's not just something to think about; it's something to be fierecely aroused by.


The Dark Side of me said...

I too envy Odyssesus and Penelope for the openness that they approach fantasies or fantagoals as they listed. I have tried and tried with the man and while we discuss them what you fear has happened... I get a no. Over and over again a no. I too have a kink in wanting to watch the man with another woman while I have sex with her husband and would LOVE it. But it seems unlikely to ever happen.

Good luck to you in deciding. I still plan to keep trying. Heck I'll be on vacation with the man and his best friend, at least I can shamelessly flirt with him. LOL

la fille mariée said...

Well, D., no wonder you were annoyed at me when I talked so casually about the fact that DG and I may indulge in sex with 1 or 2 other couples this weekend! How insensitive of me!

What you said here makes the most sense to me:

There's always the fear of reality shitting upon the fantasy. But it comes down to "nothing wagered, nothing gained," right? So you try it ... and it sucks. Great! Now you can put that one behind you, opening up lots of time to obsess about another kink!

Likewise, I think you have to get up the nerve to suggest what you want as a real possibility. If she says no... then you'll have the data you need to make a decision -- whether to try to convince her or to move on with the knowledge that it won't happen.I'm a big fan in trying for what you want (which doesn't mean I always manage to gather together that much nerve myself).

Penelope said...

Nice! The way you describe Amy often reminds me of myself. It was not until O and I started this blog that I truly began to open myself up to new possibilities. Amy just might do the same!

Tom Paine said...

There is, of course, a danger in living one's life vicariously through blogs, as each couple's circumstances are different. In our case, we negotiated a compromise that allowed us to retain our love and open up some windows to refresh our sexual appetites. The key is allowing both sides to find the path that works for them as a couple.

The other factor is that trolling for lovers from among people you meet is highly dangerous, unless you don't mind being dismissed as kinky or worse. Better to look among like-minded folks. We started with poly meetings, but found the attendees too unattractive. There are other sources, especially with the Internet. You might want to "let" Amy be the one driving the bus, as it both empowers her to make the decisions AND is highly arousing (nothing quite like a woman on the make to give me a rise).

Denis Connor said...

Lena: I don't know what to tell you about the situation with the man. And believe me, I've given this a lot of thought. I can think of many cruel things to say, but not nearly enough constructive. I'm sorry that you've not just received "no," but even "are you fucking crazy?" looks from him. So I commend you for forging on. Good luck with that.

Mariée: At some point, I'm sure I'm going to find the nerve to ask Amy. Hmmmm, I wonder if you'll hear about it when I do.

Tom: Ah, yes. The Tick Tock Diner meeting, yes? We know it well. It should be known as the Polyamorous Manifesto. "The key is allowing both sides to find the path that works for them as a couple," you write. My concern is that the strongest interest Amy may find in seriously considering this would be in entertaining my predilections. In other words, it's not really a shared fantasy, she's just being GGG.

But your point about looking to the like-minded rather than people we know is a good one. Should it come to that point, I would heed it.

Anonymous said...

Wow! It is so fun to read this as it brings back So many memories. we too read and we're influenced by Penelope and Odysseus too. I am going to check out the rest of your blog. (Your words live on!) Is there any chance you are still present here for a discourse? 7 years later , Please write us if inclined - or not jbjsclub@yohoo.com