06 February 2007

TMI Tuesday #4: Suspicious Minds

Come join the fun sometime. It's better than a sausage wrapped in a pancake and stuck on a stick. Unless you've got something to hide. Which I don't. Really.

1. Have you ever had sex in a friend's house/apartment/car/whatever... but not with that friend? Does your friend know?

I've never done this. Why? Should I? Is it totally worth it? Do I add it to my "wild card coupons" fantasies? Christ almighty, this is gonna keep me awake at night, trying to figure out how this scenario would be arousing.

I can tell you that I've DEFINITELY had sex with someone else other than my friend ... in my friend's mind. I don't know if it was hot. I'll have to ask him.

2. Have you ever sat at your computer naked?

Well ... um ... yeah. Why do you ask? Is that unusual? Titillating? Am I a freak? Is it surprising? Or are you looking for a cool story about that? Well, let me try one and we'll see:

Hey, this reminds me of this one time I was sitting at my computer ... naked! While I sat there, I answered some email. I got one with the subject line "Hey, neighbor!" and I opened it, and it was a link to a porn site that involved sex with people who dress up like Barney Fife. (Which was kind of arousing, though I always thought of Don Knotts as a bit of a limp fish.) And then I paid a couple of bills online, and went to bed. When I got up, I got that kind of "ripping" sound when my skin peeled away from the leather upholstery on the chair.

So. How's that working for you? Yeah, me neither.

3. If you are sure you WOULD get caught, is there anyone (known personally, celebrity, fictional character) you'd cheat with?

Wait, why would I want to get caught? Would my wife think that was hot? Or are you suggesting she'd be laughing because that celebrity was wayyyyy out of my league? Are you saying you don't think I'm good enough for Connie Britton?

Yes, you heard me right. I want to screw her so hard she's seeing Friday night lights. Why Connie? 'Cause my wife would walk in on us ... and say it was justified. And she'd be right. Free pass right there, buddy.

4. Have you ever photocopied a body part?

Hands. Face. Uvula. That's it. I'd heard too many horror stories about copier glass breaking to get more lewd than that.

5. Just how rigid are your standards: Is there anyone out there (say, a celebrity), that you'd do, just to say you scored? (We aren't talking a dreamy celebrity i.e. Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston; we are talking Mick Jagger, Dick Cheney, or the Queen of England.)

Again with the celebrity thing. Does this really turn you on? Are you sitting around imagining me doing Crispin Glover? Nancy Pelosi? Mandy Moore? Matt LeBlanc? Monica Lewinsky? You're just trying to catch me in the act, aren't you? You want to watch! You. Sick. Perv.

But to answer your question: If my "standard" is "rigid," it sounds like I already want to do the celebrity. Still, a boy has his limits: I draw the line at Rummy.

6. Have you ever contacted a “lost love” years later?

I've stayed in touch with most of my lost loves. I'm on good terms with all of them.

Why? Did one of them say something to you? Which one? I bet it was that bitch Carole. Oh sure, I was friendly when I found her myspace page, but I didn't believe for a punch-drunk second that she was glad to hear from me. Some people just can't let go, can they? One little time that I misunderstand her and she never forgives me. I can still hear her screeching. "I said in my rear, you idiot!" Fine, fine, whatever. I even paid for the audiologist's bills. What more do you want, Carole?!

7. What was the worst thing your SO ever caught you doing?

Amy has caught me jacking off so many times we couldn't possibly count. You'd think I want to get caught, but actually, masturbation for me is a pretty private thing. Unless, of course, it's part of a session of sex play. But I'm talking about times where she's walked in on me. If I started solo, chances are I meant to finish that way.

What was the worst thing your parents ever caught you doing?

Same answer. Dad caught me jacking off once. He acted like he hadn't seen anything. Backed out of the room. It was like it had never happened. Like I'd told him to look directly at the red light.

Did you ever do either of those things again?

I have never, ever, ever masturbated again.

Unless you count every day of my life since the age of 12. But let's not get caught up in technicalities.

8. What is the shortest period of time you've ever gone between sex with two different sexual partners in separate sessions (that means threesomes don't count unless they are separate threesomes)?

I've never juggled like that, never had more than one thing going at a time. The closest I can come is the time I was in a spontaneous 69 with an ex-girlfriend on the floor of my apartment, and the phone rang. I let it go to the machine (I'm not an idiot!), and it was this woman from work with whom I'd made a date that night. I had completely forgotten about it. But phone woman and I didn't have sex for another couple of weeks.

9. Besides the usual (lingerie, sexy shoes, etc.), what's the sexiest thing your SO can wear?

One of my work shirts. (Yes! Denis proves yet again he is a walking, talking, ejaculating cliché!)

10. Have you ever masturbated with a household object (other than a sex toy)? If so, what?

Why do you want to know? Did someone tell you something? It was our cleaning woman, wasn't it? She found the cardboard toilet paper tubes covered in petroleum jelly, right? Dammit, that's not fair. That was totally an experiment based on something I saw on the Internet. It didn't even arouse me that much.

In all seriousness ... There aren't a lot of really good objets de ménage for a boy to use. Or maybe I'm just not feeling creative enough when I need to get off to stop and wonder if I should try, say, sticking my dick in that vice grip downstairs. My guess is that women have more interesting answers to this one than I could possibly provide.


LadyXandria said...

OMG... my cheeks still hurt from laughing. You are waaay too funny. Happy TMI Tuesday!

Anonymous said...

Ladyxandria is right -- you are indeed way too funny. So stop it.

I tried to answer these same questions to post on my site, and I gave up. All because I knew I couldn't compete with Denis the Humorous. I'm just not funny enough. Sob. You remain my comic sex blogging hero.

#2 / #7 - Stop it! Stop touching yourself while you respond to our comments! And you're naked too, aren't you?

#10 - Have you considered a vacuum cleaner?

By the way, I love the new template colours. Well chosen. But I bet you'll change them again, because you're a restless kind of guy.

Denis Connor said...

Xandria: Your cheeks hurt from laughing? Story of my life in a sentence. Here, I'm always trying to get the ladies' cheeks to hurt from some other activity.

And LFM: You're worrying way too much about your answers. Answer the ones that interest you. Don't try to do 'em all.

You asked:
Have you considered a vacuum cleaner?

Girl, I married one. And now I get to go to Hell for typing it out loud!

Dee's Husband Joe said...

Oh man! That sausage thing on a stick, breaded with pancake batter... I watched "New Girl" about whom I occasionally blog eat one of those things and she made sure I had eye contact with her before she tongued it and then took her first bite. That makes those Jimmy Deans sacred and not to be ridiculed!