24 February 2007

Laying Groundwork.

I received a couple of comments on my blog entry about our night at a formal party that I found a little disturbing. Not "disturbing" in the sense that I was repelled by them; rather, they sent ripples across the surface of my understanding of my sexual relationship ... and of the purpose of this blog. For several days now, I have been turning things over in my head. This entry is more for myself than readers. I'm thinking out loud, I guess.

The first comment came from the illustrious Tom Paine, who, upon reading the entry, simply noted:

Very nice the way you two are moving along. Good luck.

And then, very recently, Mike of Shared Cindy wrote a similar comment:

I am an avid follower of your progress.

Seemingly innocuous notes, maybe; but to me, they force to the front burner an issue that I need to sort out: What, exactly, am I progressing toward? I'm not sure if these readers intended or assumed with their comments that I have a specific sexual goal ... say, inviting others into our bed, or watching Amy fuck another man. While both of these examples are deep-seeded fantasies — shared to an equal or lesser extent by Amy — they're really beside the point.

I'm writing because I want to "explore the issues that grow out of the aging sexual relationship." (A quote from my inaugural post.) Interestingly, I haven't ended up doing a lot of that exploration yet, because I've (unexpectedly) been writing about all the actual sex we've been having. (A pretty great problem to have!) I imagine this more "active" period is fleeting, and that the underlying issues that brought me to this blog in the first place are still there, waiting to be dealt with.

There's a big part of me that is envious of what Tom Paine (and C.) and Mike (and Cindy) have. But so many factors make that kind of relationship entirely unrealistic for Amy and me. Primary among them is Amy's feeling that sex isn't ... well ... as important to her. While she might indulge me in some of my fantasies sometime, the fact remains that her libido is maybe a tenth of mine. She's good, giving, and game ... but not necessarily looking to push the boundaries.

I will keep pushing boundaries, though, both during sex and through conversation. If it's possible, I want to help Amy rediscover her sexual self, to glimpse the woman I find so stimulating, so electrifying. This can't be accomplished if Amy is feeling uncomfortable in any way, so the whole boundary-pushing thing has to be handled with care. No sudden moves. No unexpected surprises. In short: Trust. Now: If, down the line, through further discussion, we discover that there is a more "non-traditional" activity we'd like to really try — say, inviting another couple or individual into our bed — then I would be more than game (if I was convinced that Amy was truly into the experience).

In reality, my expectations are low in that regard. We are a long way from that kind of play. In the meantime, the increased communication that would be part of this examination of our sex life may naturally improve things. As we discover more about what turns us on, what we're willing to do, and what we really want, the quality of the sex could reach a higher level than we've ever imagined.

Ever the optimist, eh, Denis?


la fille mariée said...

Yes, you're an optimist, Denis. You're also an incredible realist. You haven't confused having more sex (which, as you say, is great) with resolving the underlying issues.

The realist is the analytical you... reaching for your goal through self-examination and examination of the relationship. The optimist is that part of you that is way beyond "in love" with your wife -- that part of you that looks at her and sees something much more than what is evident at first glance.

It's an attractive combination. I'm going to keep watching with interest.

Odysseus said...

we've also been thinking about goals vs. fantasies as of late. our most recent thoughts are here and here.

i find myself occasionally thinking in terms of "goals" without meaning to, and then realizing that it was never my intention. nor, when i actually think about it with my brain, is it important to me.

for me, the journey of mutual self-exploration and communication is definitely the best part of our sexblogging and our thinking of things in this way. that is what has given me the most benefits.

in fact, we haven't even done anything remotely "alternative" or outside of our normal sexual sphere since we started blogging.

and yet, i feel like i have a totally different relationship with my wife now, when it comes to sex (thoroughly more positive).

Gillette said...

Hi- to me this discussion reminds me of making orgasm the only reason to have sex rather than enjoying the closeness and intimacy that comes with playing, loving, feeling every moment of it. Maybe an orgasm happens, maybe it doesn't,but fun was had by all in the journey- the journey that has no defined outcome or end.

Denis Connor said...

So, LFM ... There's the realist in me ... there's the optimist in me ... Where, exactly, does the horny 14-year-old fit in? And why does that seem like the biggest pull of the three?

Odysseus ... Yes, indeed, you and Penelope have been thinking a lot about goals and fantasies. Your blog is a major inspiration for me. In fact, this entry was written because of an entry in your blog. I needed to write this before I could follow up with a more detailed examination of an entry in yours. (I made reference to this in an email to Penelope too.) I'm sorry that the post is taking so long to come to fruition ... I've been absolutely pummeled at work.

Gillette ... Yes! Thanks for saying what you said, and getting to the crux of the matter. Having the time to luxuriate in that intimacy comes so rarely these days ... Amy always seems to be rushing to the end. I want her to stretch it out more and just relax. Thanks for your comment.