1. What is a creampie?
Oh, I'm so glad someone asked. I've been wanting to share a family recipe for the longest time. Carpe diem! Don your aprons, ladies and gents! Time to make a Valentine's Day dessert to impress the most dispassionate lover.
The Connor Creampie
- 1 11-1/2-oz pkg milk chocolate pieces
- 1/4 C. milk (plus additional)
- Assorted fruits, cut into bite-sized pieces (such as oranges, strawberries [can be left whole], pears, bananas, apples, kiwi fruit)
- Angel-food cake or pound cake, cut into cubes
- Two lovers of opposite sex, the male of which has not ejaculated for at least several hours (the longer the better)
1. Disrobe partner in kitchen and place on counter top next (but not too close) to stove.
2. Combine chocolate pieces and milk in a double boiler or heavy small saucepan over simmering water. Stirring constantly, heat over low heat. While stirring, use hands or tongue to tease partner mercilessly. Continue stirring until chocolate is melted and smooth, and partner is either "melted and smooth" or "turgid and hard," depending on gender.
3. Stir in additional milk, 1 tablespoon at a time, until reaching desired consistency. Test by cooling a spoonful, dribbling on partner's nipples, and licking or sucking off. If tongue is coated with mixture and you hear audible moans, mixture is ready.
4. Remove partner and chocolate mixture from heat. Pour chocolate mixture into fondue pot; place over fondue burner set on low on dining room table. Lay partner on dining room table, offering a pillow for increased comfort.
5. With fondue forks, dip fruit, cake cubes and marshmallows into chocolate mixture. Alternately feed partner and yourself. Resist being exceedingly careful when feeding, as any chocolate that drips on partner will be removed with tongue. (Chocolate mixture will hold up to 1 hour on low. If mixture gets too thick, add milk 1 tablespoon at a time. Good luck on you and your partner holding up for that long.)
6. Once food appetites have been sated, arrange partner on table so that you can sit between his/her legs. Cool down a scant spoonful of remaining chocolate and apply to partner's genital area. Gently but passionately remove chocolate with mouth. Be thorough with this step, but make certain that no one orgasms.
(Important: REMOVE FONDUE POT FROM TABLE before continuing with recipe!)
7. Once chocolate has been removed and partner is writhing, arrange oneself so that erect penis can be inserted into vagina. Once penis is inserted, smooth wavelike motions combined with friction-inducing massage of inner walls of vagina should commence.
8. Tenderize partner through any skill at your disposal, including (but not limited to) aerating, mixing, basting, pinching, blending, pressure cooking, searing, coddling, drizzling, folding, stewing, grinding (oh, lots of this), whipping, kneading, mashing, moistening, and marinating. Proper tenderization has been reached when partners are incapable of uttering coherent language and ejaculation of semen into vagina has commenced. Allow dish to rest for short time, still engaged. While resting, elicit exclamations such as "Jesus Christ" and "Holy Mother of God" and "That was fucking unbelievable" into each other's ears.
9. Disengage male and arrange in dining room chair. Arrange female on table, with vagina facing male's face. Butterfly female's legs. Allow male to take in the heady aroma and glorious feast before him.
10. With religious exuberance, male will lick, eat, and mash face into vagina, until such time as vagina has been cleaned of all juices or partners simply can't stand it any longer and need to fuck again.
Yield: 5 (1/4-cup) fondue servings, multiple orgasms, and one creampie.
By the way, I've just created the first recipe ever to use the word "mercilessly." You're welcome.
2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. True or false... why?
Damn. I hate getting heavy after transcribing that recipe. I'm going to say, with some reservation, that this is false. To say that the statement is true assumes that humans are incapable of changing, and that's too depressing a statement to put on humanity. I must, as an article of faith, believe that we are capable of realizing that mistakes we've made are destructive and that we can choose to not go down those dark roads multiple times.
3. Where is the female G spot and how do you find it?
Oh, this one's easy. It's on this web page. Click the link and you've found it.
4. Is there a correlation between shoe size and penis size?
Absolutely. I thought this was common knowledge, but for those few of you who aren't familiar with it, here's the formula:
where "n" is penis size and "k" is shoe size.
5. Can women have wet dreams?
Only when they dream about David Hasselhoff and Shar Pei puppies.
Bonus (as in optional): Take a wild guess, how many calories are in a man's average ejaculation?
Oh God. I knew this a long time ago. It's low. I'll say ... 40 calories.
Party on, Wayne.